i hate me
i am nothing i went to florida i had nothing i come back to texas i have nothing i am a burden to those that surround me i have people supporting me right now that shouldnt have to im dragging these people down and they are the ones i love most i wish i could be out of there hair i wish i had a life of my own i need love to find happiness im seriously lonely and i feel like a fag for having a journal that im actualy using for its reason of being there everyone is going to see this and say owe poor russell and im going to see as horrible pitty i dont want pitty i want a cure
i want to not be here i dont like the way i feel here about the sittuation
i love my brother i love the kids and tracy is great but i dont fit here i dont belong
the first time i came here i made progress and made a somewhat of a life
now i come back from a big mistake and see that it was worse than i thought i didnt come back home i came back as a drain
im here to regain life structure when im tearing down others i want out and there is no way i can express this to anyone and find an answer to anything that would be the right one i know it
people will say oh try harder to get a job or when you get a job itll be better i dont want that cause i have to rely on some one else to feed me im relying on someone else for a bed im relying on someone else for my entire life to be managed
i dont want to sit in my brothers hand through this i want to do it for myself
i hate this why cant i just be happy and know that i can utilize my sittuation for a better good but yet i know in florida its the same no matter where i go i need help but at the same time when i retrieve it i feel as if im just using people i hate it so much why doesnt crying help why doesnt writing help nothing does theres no answer to depression and sadness that i think is why suicide comes to most minds when aggrevated with life theres no point to fight for life when alls it does it fight you harder its a big game that no one will ever win game over no pause it keeps going you cant step aside and assess you must break through and let it pass no retries no wait i have another man its your done and we laugh fuck i hate thislife i wish it would end its madness and just find a place where contentful happiness laysaround and never gets old i want to be released from the hands of this dice rolling worldof a life i want out of this house and into my own i dont want to be here any longer than now but i have no where else to go i hate it
i want to not be here i dont like the way i feel here about the sittuation
i love my brother i love the kids and tracy is great but i dont fit here i dont belong
the first time i came here i made progress and made a somewhat of a life
now i come back from a big mistake and see that it was worse than i thought i didnt come back home i came back as a drain
im here to regain life structure when im tearing down others i want out and there is no way i can express this to anyone and find an answer to anything that would be the right one i know it
people will say oh try harder to get a job or when you get a job itll be better i dont want that cause i have to rely on some one else to feed me im relying on someone else for a bed im relying on someone else for my entire life to be managed
i dont want to sit in my brothers hand through this i want to do it for myself
i hate this why cant i just be happy and know that i can utilize my sittuation for a better good but yet i know in florida its the same no matter where i go i need help but at the same time when i retrieve it i feel as if im just using people i hate it so much why doesnt crying help why doesnt writing help nothing does theres no answer to depression and sadness that i think is why suicide comes to most minds when aggrevated with life theres no point to fight for life when alls it does it fight you harder its a big game that no one will ever win game over no pause it keeps going you cant step aside and assess you must break through and let it pass no retries no wait i have another man its your done and we laugh fuck i hate thislife i wish it would end its madness and just find a place where contentful happiness laysaround and never gets old i want to be released from the hands of this dice rolling worldof a life i want out of this house and into my own i dont want to be here any longer than now but i have no where else to go i hate it