The treachery of a pseudo-ex
My desk is inhospitable, I have some bills I nearly forgot to pay they were well obscured by junk. I do anything to avoid working, and I have nowhere to rest my wrists on the littered keyboard tray. My noise-blocking earphones, though they itch and keep me tethered to the computer, help to muffle the worst of the bickering, even with the faulty static wash in the background obscuring my music.
At night I wait until my siblings go to sleep, when they stop their studying and key clacking and coughing, I should be sleeping then too, but with few enough distractions and a dull view to boot, I can easily remove myself from my surroundings, that makes it easier to be status and unconfronted.
Well anyway, I have done this unskilled avoidance for a long time, and the peaks of indulgence sometimes coincide with events, or else they answer to an internal rhythm that falters every so often, but I am currently filled with a feeling of ‘get it done now’ because later I will be held responsible for my minutes, in fact my bosses will pay me for each ripe product of my time.
One avenue of external contact I have recently closed off is my pseudo-ex. Well, really. I know he will not especially care what I think, and he is too cloistered in his own busy happiness, did he ever read my writings in the past?, I believe not. So. I am free to speak of him as I wish.
I currently want, via megaphone, to announce his discordance to many people. My, he is far away and vague to me, so much a theoretical idea not a person, and I will be honest to admit: I want nothing more to do with him in this current state, except maybe for a well wish or his kind word (unless he were to say I am special and he needs me NOW, then I might revise my plan). Even so, knowing he will marry some girl and is smug and thinking ‘finally I’m here at this coveted spot, last of my classmates and old old old, but she is wonderful and I love her’, -- After two years of he and me fraternizing, so much talk and deed and vulnerable bits revealed, when he neglected to tell me of his engagement, it could have been a conscious decision, I don’t know why he wouldn’t say.
But filthy, his nonchalant omission of information. I watched a video he posted of her. Thirty seconds I saw her from his eye, gray nighttime they were walking an impelling windswept path, near water or high up on a walkway, and her hood was up for warmth. He was invisible, a voice, leaning the camera into her face. Very close I saw her freckled cheeks, dark eyes, open mouth amused and candid, slightly out of focus, but rendered with adoration. That was how he saw her, and now I knew too.
At night I wait until my siblings go to sleep, when they stop their studying and key clacking and coughing, I should be sleeping then too, but with few enough distractions and a dull view to boot, I can easily remove myself from my surroundings, that makes it easier to be status and unconfronted.
Well anyway, I have done this unskilled avoidance for a long time, and the peaks of indulgence sometimes coincide with events, or else they answer to an internal rhythm that falters every so often, but I am currently filled with a feeling of ‘get it done now’ because later I will be held responsible for my minutes, in fact my bosses will pay me for each ripe product of my time.
One avenue of external contact I have recently closed off is my pseudo-ex. Well, really. I know he will not especially care what I think, and he is too cloistered in his own busy happiness, did he ever read my writings in the past?, I believe not. So. I am free to speak of him as I wish.
I currently want, via megaphone, to announce his discordance to many people. My, he is far away and vague to me, so much a theoretical idea not a person, and I will be honest to admit: I want nothing more to do with him in this current state, except maybe for a well wish or his kind word (unless he were to say I am special and he needs me NOW, then I might revise my plan). Even so, knowing he will marry some girl and is smug and thinking ‘finally I’m here at this coveted spot, last of my classmates and old old old, but she is wonderful and I love her’, -- After two years of he and me fraternizing, so much talk and deed and vulnerable bits revealed, when he neglected to tell me of his engagement, it could have been a conscious decision, I don’t know why he wouldn’t say.
But filthy, his nonchalant omission of information. I watched a video he posted of her. Thirty seconds I saw her from his eye, gray nighttime they were walking an impelling windswept path, near water or high up on a walkway, and her hood was up for warmth. He was invisible, a voice, leaning the camera into her face. Very close I saw her freckled cheeks, dark eyes, open mouth amused and candid, slightly out of focus, but rendered with adoration. That was how he saw her, and now I knew too.