"please don't think that this was easy....."

[feathersofgold]

wow.... I haven't updated this in a loooong time. I guess I thought I was moving on to bigger and better things or something. I didn't. I haven't changed at all. Someone told me that recently, and meant it as a compliment, but it killed me. It was someone who hadn't seen me since 8th grade, and he said I hadn't changed a bit. I wanted to tell him that I had. That I am much older and wiser now. The truth is that the only thing that has changed is now I'm cynical and depressed. I spent a good hour reading my old entries, and realizing how awesome my life has been, and still is... yet I can't tell you the last time I was truly happy. I've blamed everything to try and justify this:
my environment, because my mom can drive me crazy;
my friends, because it's high school and shit happens ;
dating, because I'm human and I get lonely, but then I get a great relationship with a great guy thrown at me and I can't handle the commitment.
my body, because I'm either too fat or I work out too much or I'm too tired ot I can't sleep....
theatre because it consumes all my energy yet somehow always leaves me heartbroken

so pretty much, I thought there was always something there to make me the way I am...

but I came to the realization tonight that the only thing that has fucked me up is me.

I am fucked up. and I don't know why. and I'm sorry for that.

~Jessica