My struggle for gay rights.
So today I faced a difficult dilemma. I've been on vacation with my family (with my father and my grandparents) and we've been staying with an older relative in Orlando, FL. I was sitting here on my laptop using the internet when out of the corner of my ear I noticed that my family began to talk on the issue of gay marriage. For those of you that don't know me real well -I am VERY passionate about gay marriage and gay rights. My father began to tell a story that I've heard him tell several times -a story which, over the years, has bothered me increasingly for reasons that I haven't quite been able to understand until about two years ago. His story went like this:
"When I was in the coast guard I was paired with a bunkmate named Terry. He was a nice guy and we became friends. Over time I got to know him a little bit better -I always expected that he might be gay and one day things came to a point where Terry trusted me enough to acknowledge to me that yes, he was indeed gay. I did not have a problem with that -to each his own, I mean, you can be however you want to be, I don't have a problem with it as long as you don't force it on me. So time went on and we were still friends just like we'd always been and then one day Terry said something very serious with me. He said 'Larry, why are you still my friend? Why didn't you ever request to change rooms when you suspected and later found out that I was gay?' and I said 'It doesn't make any difference to me that you're gay. You are who you are and you're my friend regardless of if you're gay or not.' And in this conversation I came to a realization that I've never forgot. I was asking Terry about being gay and this is how I KNOW that being gay is NOT a lifestyle CHOICE: Terry said to me 'Larry, do you think with all the hate, all the beatings, and all the terrible things in the world against gays that after all of that why would ANYONE ever choose to be gay?' And that made sense to me! That's how I KNOW gay people don't choose to be that way -why would anyone ever make a decision to have to deal with all the trouble that would result in the world?"
I think I must have heard my father tell that story a good six or seven times. The last few times I've noticed within myself that I really get upset at hearing my Dad tell that story. This time was different though -this time I felt as though I had to do something or else a few months from now I'm sure that I'd hear my Dad tell his story about Terry to someone again. I wanted to tell my Dad about how his story made me upset. And I was scared as Hell! I stood up to walk over and give my opinion and I literally started shaking because I was afraid about how they'd react to my opinions. I was worried that they'd think that I was gay myself, I was worried that they'd think I was just some liberal, I was worried that they'd take my difference of opinion as some form of an attack. I was scared. I think the main reason why I interjected, regardless of that, was because I had remembered an exercise I did or hear of (I can't remember which) in college -an exercise wherein your assignment was to stand up for yourself in the face of fear where normally you wouldn't bother. So I quieted my shaking and walked over to get ready to insert myself into the conversation as gently as possible:
"Dad. I've heard you tell that story several times now, and I gotta tell you -there's something about it that bothers me." My Dad seemed genuinely interested in my interruption and he welcomed my remarks on his story. This enabled me to relax a little -I then continued: "Now, I know you're probably going to disagree with me but here's the problem I have with your story. The way you talk about how 'why would ANYONE ever CHOOSE to be homosexual' makes homosexuality sound like a disease. Like it's this unfortunate thing that someone has no control over contracting. Don't you think it'd be more appropriate to say that all the hate and discrimination in the world is what's sad and unfortunate about the situation -it's NOT sad and unfortunate that someone would be born gay -it's sad that the world is cruel in how it is hateful and discriminatory?" I could have predicted his response:
"Now hold on a minute, Seth. I never said gay people should be pitied. Yes, I agree that is horrible that the so much of the world is hateful towards gay people -I totally agree with that but the reality of the situation is that the majority of the world discriminates against gay people."
Arg. Writing this is frustrating because I want to make sure I'm giving my father's side of the argument justice. I don't think that I am anymore so let me just leave what I'm trying to say at this: I argued that it is a terrible thing how certain attitudes towards gays have been normalized. For example -it is a real shame that otherizing gay people is normal. One of my relatives, during our discussion said "now, with the normal people [yadda yadda yadda] and then with the gay people [blah blah blah]" It saddens and enrages me that he uses the term "normal" to mean people who are not gay -as if it were a deviation. Aren't gay people normal? (I mean what is normal anyway?!) By referring to gay people as being other than normal, in my opinion you are otherizing them which just furthers distance and allows for more fears and in turn more hate (in the blanket picture). In my argument I also pointed out how much it angers and saddens me that the term "gay" gets paired with words such negative words as "rape" or "swishy" (to name just a few of, I'm sure, many). When I brought this up, of course, my family responded, well, we weren't saying that gay people are rapists or that all gay people are swishy -and if you ask me, that is the very examplification of part of what makes the struggle for gay rights so tough: My family is NOT anti-gay. They are probably a lot more progressive than most families (especially considering they are mostly Republicans). The problem with how they deal with gay rights, is that they accept the normalization that gay people are others and they claim that they don't do it but they DO associate the word "gay" with "rape" and strongly negative words like that. Their argument is illusive because they can hide behind the guile of normalization.
I get SO passionate about gay rights. I had to bite my tongue and keep my head cool at several points during our debate and discussion. I'm glad that I did though, ‘cause otherwise they would have otherized me too by just thinking that I'm some crazy liberal. After our talk was over I was sure to thank everyone for being patient and listening to what I had to say -especially when I got quite visibly worked up. I did this because I genuinely was thankful that they even were interested in what I had to say in the matter despite when I knew that they had a hard time swallowing what I was saying. I feel really good about myself for standing up for what I honestly feel very passionately despite the very strong fears I had. I can't imagine how hard it must be for other families that have to deal with this in an less accepting ways. To all of you out there: you have my deepest respect and love. I hope, that if you've read all of this that you, yourself will stand up for your beliefs if a situation ever arises for you -you'll know it when you realize that you're afraid. And it doesn't matter if you're gay or straight or purple yourself. Please voice up anyway -that is what the world needs. If anything, I will always love and respect you for it.
"When I was in the coast guard I was paired with a bunkmate named Terry. He was a nice guy and we became friends. Over time I got to know him a little bit better -I always expected that he might be gay and one day things came to a point where Terry trusted me enough to acknowledge to me that yes, he was indeed gay. I did not have a problem with that -to each his own, I mean, you can be however you want to be, I don't have a problem with it as long as you don't force it on me. So time went on and we were still friends just like we'd always been and then one day Terry said something very serious with me. He said 'Larry, why are you still my friend? Why didn't you ever request to change rooms when you suspected and later found out that I was gay?' and I said 'It doesn't make any difference to me that you're gay. You are who you are and you're my friend regardless of if you're gay or not.' And in this conversation I came to a realization that I've never forgot. I was asking Terry about being gay and this is how I KNOW that being gay is NOT a lifestyle CHOICE: Terry said to me 'Larry, do you think with all the hate, all the beatings, and all the terrible things in the world against gays that after all of that why would ANYONE ever choose to be gay?' And that made sense to me! That's how I KNOW gay people don't choose to be that way -why would anyone ever make a decision to have to deal with all the trouble that would result in the world?"
I think I must have heard my father tell that story a good six or seven times. The last few times I've noticed within myself that I really get upset at hearing my Dad tell that story. This time was different though -this time I felt as though I had to do something or else a few months from now I'm sure that I'd hear my Dad tell his story about Terry to someone again. I wanted to tell my Dad about how his story made me upset. And I was scared as Hell! I stood up to walk over and give my opinion and I literally started shaking because I was afraid about how they'd react to my opinions. I was worried that they'd think that I was gay myself, I was worried that they'd think I was just some liberal, I was worried that they'd take my difference of opinion as some form of an attack. I was scared. I think the main reason why I interjected, regardless of that, was because I had remembered an exercise I did or hear of (I can't remember which) in college -an exercise wherein your assignment was to stand up for yourself in the face of fear where normally you wouldn't bother. So I quieted my shaking and walked over to get ready to insert myself into the conversation as gently as possible:
"Dad. I've heard you tell that story several times now, and I gotta tell you -there's something about it that bothers me." My Dad seemed genuinely interested in my interruption and he welcomed my remarks on his story. This enabled me to relax a little -I then continued: "Now, I know you're probably going to disagree with me but here's the problem I have with your story. The way you talk about how 'why would ANYONE ever CHOOSE to be homosexual' makes homosexuality sound like a disease. Like it's this unfortunate thing that someone has no control over contracting. Don't you think it'd be more appropriate to say that all the hate and discrimination in the world is what's sad and unfortunate about the situation -it's NOT sad and unfortunate that someone would be born gay -it's sad that the world is cruel in how it is hateful and discriminatory?" I could have predicted his response:
"Now hold on a minute, Seth. I never said gay people should be pitied. Yes, I agree that is horrible that the so much of the world is hateful towards gay people -I totally agree with that but the reality of the situation is that the majority of the world discriminates against gay people."
Arg. Writing this is frustrating because I want to make sure I'm giving my father's side of the argument justice. I don't think that I am anymore so let me just leave what I'm trying to say at this: I argued that it is a terrible thing how certain attitudes towards gays have been normalized. For example -it is a real shame that otherizing gay people is normal. One of my relatives, during our discussion said "now, with the normal people [yadda yadda yadda] and then with the gay people [blah blah blah]" It saddens and enrages me that he uses the term "normal" to mean people who are not gay -as if it were a deviation. Aren't gay people normal? (I mean what is normal anyway?!) By referring to gay people as being other than normal, in my opinion you are otherizing them which just furthers distance and allows for more fears and in turn more hate (in the blanket picture). In my argument I also pointed out how much it angers and saddens me that the term "gay" gets paired with words such negative words as "rape" or "swishy" (to name just a few of, I'm sure, many). When I brought this up, of course, my family responded, well, we weren't saying that gay people are rapists or that all gay people are swishy -and if you ask me, that is the very examplification of part of what makes the struggle for gay rights so tough: My family is NOT anti-gay. They are probably a lot more progressive than most families (especially considering they are mostly Republicans). The problem with how they deal with gay rights, is that they accept the normalization that gay people are others and they claim that they don't do it but they DO associate the word "gay" with "rape" and strongly negative words like that. Their argument is illusive because they can hide behind the guile of normalization.
I get SO passionate about gay rights. I had to bite my tongue and keep my head cool at several points during our debate and discussion. I'm glad that I did though, ‘cause otherwise they would have otherized me too by just thinking that I'm some crazy liberal. After our talk was over I was sure to thank everyone for being patient and listening to what I had to say -especially when I got quite visibly worked up. I did this because I genuinely was thankful that they even were interested in what I had to say in the matter despite when I knew that they had a hard time swallowing what I was saying. I feel really good about myself for standing up for what I honestly feel very passionately despite the very strong fears I had. I can't imagine how hard it must be for other families that have to deal with this in an less accepting ways. To all of you out there: you have my deepest respect and love. I hope, that if you've read all of this that you, yourself will stand up for your beliefs if a situation ever arises for you -you'll know it when you realize that you're afraid. And it doesn't matter if you're gay or straight or purple yourself. Please voice up anyway -that is what the world needs. If anything, I will always love and respect you for it.