Reflected Changes
It's been some time since I felt up to recording much about my running. It just hasn't been the same since I started back up after the Canada Army Half-marathon. I kept waiting for things to become more familiar, because that's what I wanted to write about. It still hasn't happened, but I could not ignore this journal any longer. It's like anything else, if you keep putting it off, you'll never get around to it.
I've certainly been busy (but I could have made the time to write before now). I've certainly been running, having joined the winter half-marathon clinic in my new location. I've certainly settled into the new home, though I still have moments where I become overwhelmed by the fact that I am no longer renting a place month to month, that I have a yard and only share one wall with a neighbour. It's still different, and I wonder if I'll ever feel like I did before. I guess I'm still coming to grips with the massive change that 2008 brought on.
I don't know how much longer I will continue to experience this disconnect. I keep hoping it'll all just go away one day. As long as I'm distracted by being busy, it's okay, but to write in this journal I have to be able to sit back and reflect on everything. There's a lot that comes up when I do that.
Training with the clinic at a different store has made me feel like I'm back at square one. I know I have to prove myself to a new crowd of people, and I've never been good at that. It was different when I first joined a clinic two and a half years ago. I didn't know the program, so I just followed along in the crowd. Slowly I grew confident of my place within the group, and as new people joined I was no longer the newbie, but rather an experienced, established part of the crowd. Now I've got to rebuild that reputation, forge my place anew. I feel like a newbie, and yet I'm most definitely not. I feel like I have to prove myself all over again, but I'm having trouble holding onto the patience needed for it to develop naturally like it did before.
I think part of it is that I'm no longer a half-marathoner. Here I am, back with a group I've technically outgrown, trying to fit in, and finding I'm not fitting in like I used to. Since working my way up to the full marathon distance, I've only once rejoined the half-marathon group, and I did it as a leader, rather than a new person. There are a lot of people in this clinic who have done it before, or done the 10km clinic with the same group of people. It doesn't feel like anyone else is new to this store, except for me.
Still, I carry my confidence with me to every session. Little by little, I have proven myself capable of the feats they have never seen me do before. The distances we are now doing on our long Sunday morning runs has prompted more interaction with the informal group of marathoners, who join us for our runs (tacking on the added distance they need before that). They are noticing me, have complimented me and even offered to have me join them at their earlier start time. There are several reasons I will wait until the marathon clinic officially starts in February to join them, though. I want to stick with the half-marathon group and prove myself to them.
I also don't want to risk injury by pushing myself too hard in the darkest, coldest part of the year. It seems like my ankle is still recovering from whatever happened to it back in August. Then there's the bus strike, taking away my independence and cutting out access to my recuperative tactics. I had to cancel my massage therapy appointment in December because the buses went on strike two days before it. I can't schedule any appointments until the buses are back, and already I was due for another one tomorrow. And I had to really finagle my way towards finishing off my package of yoga classes downtown before they expired. I'm glad I got to see my favourite teacher on that final day, but I don't think I'll ever pile three yoga classes into a single day again. I'll be starting off fresh at another location within walking distance of my new home, so hopefully that will help me start the marathon clinic in passable shape. I sure hope I will be able to get back to my massage therapist soon, though. I've never done more than a half marathon without those monthly appointments.
I guess it's only natural that I'd be having such difficulty regaining my equilibrium when I have to continually adapt to each new twist in a path that should be so much more familiar to me. It's hard to enjoy all the good changes, when the feeling of difference keeps me from relaxing and enjoying things. And yet, I do enjoy the actual runs. I have a new Garmin, because the old Forerunner 201 finally died halfway through a 10km run. I wanted to write a eulogy for it, but I missed it too much. I'm getting accustomed to my new Forerunner 205, despite the fact that with a fully plastic strap it's impossible to make it conform perfectly to my tiny forearm. Right now I have to wear long sleeves so the extra material seems to pad it well enough. And it's certainly a big improvement in terms of functionality, so I am happy to be able to use it.
So, that's how things have been. I think my motto for this year is to be reasonable in what I ask of myself. Financially speaking I won't be able to go to PEI for the marathon in October, so the marathon in May will be my only one this year. I think I'm more than ready for the Hypothermic Half at the end of this month, in fact I'm hoping to PB as I've been training with a faster pace group (1:45 group, though my goal is 1:50). I'm already all signed up and ready to go to Hamilton at the end of March for the Around the Bay 30km Road Race. And this summer I hope to train really well on my own for the Canada Army Half in September, before getting back to the clinic for next year's Hypothermic Half. So, in a way, my intentions are to repeat what I did in 2008, but do it smarter and better, without interruptions or injuries.
I've certainly been busy (but I could have made the time to write before now). I've certainly been running, having joined the winter half-marathon clinic in my new location. I've certainly settled into the new home, though I still have moments where I become overwhelmed by the fact that I am no longer renting a place month to month, that I have a yard and only share one wall with a neighbour. It's still different, and I wonder if I'll ever feel like I did before. I guess I'm still coming to grips with the massive change that 2008 brought on.
I don't know how much longer I will continue to experience this disconnect. I keep hoping it'll all just go away one day. As long as I'm distracted by being busy, it's okay, but to write in this journal I have to be able to sit back and reflect on everything. There's a lot that comes up when I do that.
Training with the clinic at a different store has made me feel like I'm back at square one. I know I have to prove myself to a new crowd of people, and I've never been good at that. It was different when I first joined a clinic two and a half years ago. I didn't know the program, so I just followed along in the crowd. Slowly I grew confident of my place within the group, and as new people joined I was no longer the newbie, but rather an experienced, established part of the crowd. Now I've got to rebuild that reputation, forge my place anew. I feel like a newbie, and yet I'm most definitely not. I feel like I have to prove myself all over again, but I'm having trouble holding onto the patience needed for it to develop naturally like it did before.
I think part of it is that I'm no longer a half-marathoner. Here I am, back with a group I've technically outgrown, trying to fit in, and finding I'm not fitting in like I used to. Since working my way up to the full marathon distance, I've only once rejoined the half-marathon group, and I did it as a leader, rather than a new person. There are a lot of people in this clinic who have done it before, or done the 10km clinic with the same group of people. It doesn't feel like anyone else is new to this store, except for me.
Still, I carry my confidence with me to every session. Little by little, I have proven myself capable of the feats they have never seen me do before. The distances we are now doing on our long Sunday morning runs has prompted more interaction with the informal group of marathoners, who join us for our runs (tacking on the added distance they need before that). They are noticing me, have complimented me and even offered to have me join them at their earlier start time. There are several reasons I will wait until the marathon clinic officially starts in February to join them, though. I want to stick with the half-marathon group and prove myself to them.
I also don't want to risk injury by pushing myself too hard in the darkest, coldest part of the year. It seems like my ankle is still recovering from whatever happened to it back in August. Then there's the bus strike, taking away my independence and cutting out access to my recuperative tactics. I had to cancel my massage therapy appointment in December because the buses went on strike two days before it. I can't schedule any appointments until the buses are back, and already I was due for another one tomorrow. And I had to really finagle my way towards finishing off my package of yoga classes downtown before they expired. I'm glad I got to see my favourite teacher on that final day, but I don't think I'll ever pile three yoga classes into a single day again. I'll be starting off fresh at another location within walking distance of my new home, so hopefully that will help me start the marathon clinic in passable shape. I sure hope I will be able to get back to my massage therapist soon, though. I've never done more than a half marathon without those monthly appointments.
I guess it's only natural that I'd be having such difficulty regaining my equilibrium when I have to continually adapt to each new twist in a path that should be so much more familiar to me. It's hard to enjoy all the good changes, when the feeling of difference keeps me from relaxing and enjoying things. And yet, I do enjoy the actual runs. I have a new Garmin, because the old Forerunner 201 finally died halfway through a 10km run. I wanted to write a eulogy for it, but I missed it too much. I'm getting accustomed to my new Forerunner 205, despite the fact that with a fully plastic strap it's impossible to make it conform perfectly to my tiny forearm. Right now I have to wear long sleeves so the extra material seems to pad it well enough. And it's certainly a big improvement in terms of functionality, so I am happy to be able to use it.
So, that's how things have been. I think my motto for this year is to be reasonable in what I ask of myself. Financially speaking I won't be able to go to PEI for the marathon in October, so the marathon in May will be my only one this year. I think I'm more than ready for the Hypothermic Half at the end of this month, in fact I'm hoping to PB as I've been training with a faster pace group (1:45 group, though my goal is 1:50). I'm already all signed up and ready to go to Hamilton at the end of March for the Around the Bay 30km Road Race. And this summer I hope to train really well on my own for the Canada Army Half in September, before getting back to the clinic for next year's Hypothermic Half. So, in a way, my intentions are to repeat what I did in 2008, but do it smarter and better, without interruptions or injuries.