(eng) Grey:Interlude

[eleawin]

INTERLUDE -

And somewhere in the dark…

He knew he wouldn’t be able to resist. Stress, their packed schedule, the impression he was drowning, drowning, and couldn’t breathe anymore - this dull pain that twisted his guts and that nothing could make it disappear.

Oh, of course, he wasn’t the only one feeling like that. He could see the others struggling as well, each of them facing their problems in their own way. Yunho, who was becoming nervous and irritable; Jaejoong, who smoked and smoked in secret - between two breaks, two trips, when he could go out without being seen and heard; Changmin, who was snacking without being hungry days and nights; and Junsu. Junsu, who had become the shadow of himself in the blink of an eye.

He could tell that there was something wrong with Junsu. He wasn’t the only one. But Yunho was too deeply engrossed in his leader’s role to be here for his dongsaeng, the one he loved like his own little brother and he usually protected with all his might. Now, Yunho had three other members under his care, and here the credo: no favoritism. Only an impartial treatment for all, for Junsu and for them. The leader had to be the strongest. If Junsu was putting Dong Bang Shin Ki in danger, then U-know Yunho had to intervene no matter what, even if it broke the heart of Jung Yunho.

Concerning the oldest, Jaejoong was doing his best to make it better for everyone. He got caught up in the mother role the fans gave him, indulging his bandmates and trying to keep them in good health. Sometimes, Yoochun witnessed the true Kim Jaejoong, just Kim Jaejoong, the guy who dreamt about living for only himself and not having to think of the others.

“Shit… I’m fucking tired of all this, I want to stop,” Jaejoong occasionally broke down.

Then Jaejoong would disappear, and Yoochun would follow him. They would go dancing in some private clubs, dark and sweaty, where nobody gave a damn about who they were and who they were willing to kiss. During those nights, they didn’t need to pretend, to worry about their reputation and the problems it could bring. Of course, they knew that some day, somebody would discover their escapades. But it would be worth the punishment. They tried to convince themselves of that.

When they had to return in Japan without Junsu, they felt lost and disoriented. It had always been the five of them, together in their ascension toward fame. Even if it was only for a few days, they were missing him. They missed his laugh, his habit to rush toward the television to steal the remote control, his shining eyes, his presence - everything. When he wasn’t here, Yoochun could imagine a pale ghost in his place, mute, lascivious and immaterial. The ghost sat where Junsu usually sat, slept where Junsu usually slept and ate where Junsu usually ate. Changmin always brought out five plates when he set the table, before correcting himself and removing one. Then Jaejoong would come and take the plate from his hands, putting it back.

“We never know,” he used to say, answering to the question none of them had dared to ask.

When Sakimoto-san told them that Junsu would stay longer in Korea, Yunho was angry.

“This idiot doesn’t know to say no,” he mumbled, pacing in the middle of the living-room. “He doesn’t know how to refuse anything, and this bastard of Young Hee is taking advantage of that. He was waiting for us to be away… that bastard…”

Changmin was nodding in a corner of the room, arms crossed, as if everything of what was going was crystal clear to him. Yoochun wasn’t that lucky, but ignorance was bliss, they said. He didn’t try to understand and went to lock himself in his workroom.

He could find peace in composing. He enjoyed making his fingers run on the keyboard, imagining the sounds he could create just with his two hands. He liked to think that it was enough to heal his soul. The secret clubbing he did with Jaejoong would relieve his physical frustration, and music would relieve his heart and mind. Everything was perfect.

But of course, he was wrong. It was like falling into hell. Day after day, the same routine, the same songs, the same dance steps… Physically, he was exhausted. And mentally…

At night, the tiredness that accumulated through the day fell on him, hard as a fist made of rock punching him in the guts. He was crying without even realizing it, in the secrecy of the room he shared with Jaejoong. Jaejoong knew, but didn’t say anything. It was another secret between them.

Finally, when Sakimoto-san announced to them Junsu’s arrival for the next day, Yoochun felt a wave of relief come over him. Sunshine was back. Their good mood was reborn, like revived by a breath of air.

“We need to celebrate that, ok?” he proclaimed, already scheming the pranks he could play to his dear bandmate.

But the party didn’t exactly go as planned. Junsu looked like a little boy caught with his hand in the cookie jar when Yunho revealed his little secret. So Junsu would go solo, hey?  It was… nice. Yoochun didn’t understand why Yunho was reacting this way.

“He’s afraid,” Jaejoong told him, shrugging and stealing another drag on his cigarette. “He’s afraid that Junsu will go and… well. It will never happen anyway,” he added, almost putting the matter away.

Junsu had returned exhausted. He was pale, silent and didn’t smile, like he usually did even when he was tired to death. He was like a shadow. And that made Yoochun scared, so scared he would rather pretend not to notice the change.

He didn’t know what to do. Of course, Junsu needed him, needed them all but… Yunho was as stubborn as a mule and refused to speak to him. Jaejoong was in the middle of an inferiority complex and feared that his position as lead vocal would be removed from him. On the other hand, Changmin was pissed against the older and didn’t hold the sarcasm when they argued - it was just plain scary to be in the same room with the two of them. It was so strange and disturbing it made Yoochun mix his dance steps, his lyrics, everything - in fact so disturbing it made him have this burning need of comfort, and it wasn’t the full pack of cigarettes he smoked which could help him to get better.

The need became more pressing when he found himself alone with Junsu during a break, in the middle of a mountain of junk behind the scene. He just wanted to take the younger in his arms and hug him until dizziness. He just wanted him to be close, warm, here…

He knew he was badly screwed when he initiated the kiss. Junsu looked at him with a startled expression on his face - but he didn’t exactly push him away, did he? And since he didn’t really push him away, then maybe there would be a possibility that somewhat they would be able to… Yoochun didn’t know, mind fucked and sweaty palms, he tried to save the situation by being stupid.

“If only you had a pair of boobs, ‘Su,” he had commented.

He expected to be hit - he would have punched himself if he wasn’t the one blurting the words, but Junsu didn’t do anything. Didn’t say anything. He just shrugged, like it didn’t matter. Like it was something usual, to be kissed by a bandmate. Yoochun had a bitter taste in his mouth. It was pathetic. He spent what remained of the break smoking and thinking of how much of an idiot he was, trying to convince himself that nothing happened. If they didn’t talk about that anymore, it could be forgotten, yeah?

The final rehearsal had been horrible. They came back to their flat exhausted, almost too tired to eat. Yoochun crashed on his bed and closed his eyes. Since he was this drained, he should just sleep and save energy for tomorrow, but it would have been too good if it had turned this way. Something was burning him inside - it was like having a scratch at first, then it turned stronger and more irritating, as if his blood was boiling in his veins. He couldn’t rest, and it was just so fucking annoying. He got up and paced in the room, in the vain hope to calm down. Jaejoong looked at him from his bed, arching a perfect eyebrow.

“What’s your problem, exactly?” Jaejoong asked him, snappy and not giving a damn about showing sympathy.

Yoochun did a nervous gesture with his hand.

“Nothing. Hey, how about going out tonight?” he asked, the idea suddenly popping in his mind. Flirting with nameless people tonight was appealing, he randomly decided. It was pure genius.

But Jaejoong stared at him like he had lost his mind. “I’d rather kill myself than move my sorry ass on a dance floor again, thank you very much.”

Hell, yeah. So he locked himself in his workroom, a habit he took when something disturbed him and he didn’t want to talk about it. Not if someone would actually try to extract his secrets from him, anyway. They were all sleeping, except Changmin, somewhere in the living room. Or maybe he fell asleep on the couch as well.

He ran his fingers on the keyboard, trying to think to something else. But instead of inspiration, the memory of him kissing his bandmate came - as if it wasn’t enough, as if he wanted more… It was like eating the forbidden fruit. Once the first bite was taken, there was no possible turning back. The taste in your mouth was so addictive… The melody he was playing was confusing, chaotic, like his thought and screwed mind. Ah. He needed a cigarette. Or not. No, no more smoking for tonight, or he would end up killing himself. He left his keyboard with the intent of fetching some juice in the kitchen but instead…

He didn’t know how but he found himself in Junsu’s room - he didn’t know how but he woke him up and fucked him - made love to him, whatever, wasn’t it the same after all? Just taking him slowly in the darkness of his room - muffling his groans, his whimpers, holding him close to make it less painful for him. He wondered if his bandmate was still a virgin and if he had done it already with another man. It was not like they really talked about that, after all. Junsu was both soft and supple like a woman could be, full of curves in places you didn’t expect them to be, but also hard, muscled and angular like the man he was. It was perfect. It was everything Yoochun needed, everything he dreamt of.

The next morning when he woke up with Junsu nuzzled in his arms, he asked himself if it wasn’t a nightmare.

“Oh my God, oh my God…”

He was panicked. His first reflex was to lock himself in the bathroom and avoid the other, scared by the implication of what he had done. He had slept with Junsu, Junsu, with a bandmate, and it was Junsu - Yunho knocked to the door, sulking to find it locked.

“Who’s in? Hey… The bathroom is mine first the morning, I remind you!”

Yoochun went out, somewhat haggard, but Yunho didn’t notice. Yunho never saw anything under his nose, anyway. Unlike Jaejoong. When he entered the room he shared with the oldest, Jaejoong was already awaken, still laid on his bed.

“You were noisy, last night,” Jaejoong commented, without sparing him a glance.

Yoochun froze. “What are you talking about?”

Jaejoong looked somewhat exasperated when he got up to put a pull on.

“Oh please, don’t play dumb… I hope it was good, at least,” he snapped before exiting and closing the door.

Yoochun shrugged and decided to ignore him. It wasn’t hard, to pretend nothing had happened. Jaejoong didn’t bring back the subject again and nobody asked him questions about that, even Junsu. It was better this way, Yoochun supposed. It was an accident, a stupid one, a mistake he wouldn’t do again and everyone should just forget. Yoochun did his best to pretend that. He tried to act natural, interacting with Junsu like he usually did, with a great load of stupidities, bad jokes and teasing. It wasn’t his fault if Junsu was bad-tempered these last days and took almost everything he said the bad way.

“It’s like watching a six year old boy bullying his girl friend and pulling her hair in hope to be noticed,” Jaejoong muttered, a day they were watching the cloud on the balcony. “It would be cute if it wasn’t so pathetic.”

Yoochun threw him a nasty glare but didn’t retort. Jaejoong was clearly still angry with him not telling him about what happened the other night, but Yoochun was sticking with his policy of ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about”. It was just a matter of time, Yoochun told himself. Everything would be back to normal again.

Even in his worse nightmares, he never expected things to turn out that way.

Thanks to the people who had commented the last chapter ♥