This is gross and self-loathing. Don't read.
It's nothing new but I'm always super hard on myself. Especially when school is involved. I always feel weak when I don't understand something, and useless when I do poorly on something. Case in point, tonight I took a test online for my music management course. I passed, but didn't do as well as I thought. At. All. Result: extreme panic attack, pacing around my house, and tugging at my hair. I know I have issues when it comes to comparison, and the good old sibling rivalry. But when I care about something as much as I do with music and writing, I get extremely discouraged when I don't do as well as my potential allows. I don't know, man. I know the semester just started and I did alright on the first quiz, but my paranoia is way too demented and controlling. It's not gonna leave. I just have to prove it wrong, I guess. Hello, inner demons. I have a test in psych on monday. Gross.
I'm starting to channel my frustrations on working out. (and writing, duh). It's good that I'm getting healthy and I'm starting to sort of like myself, and overall I'm a really happy person. I just can't look at pictures from high school. Well, of myself. I get disgusted and have to exit the screen. I sound like such an emo kid. wah wah wah. I keep thinking about this dude and it's driving me up the fucking wall. I wish there was just a way for me to see that not everything is impossible. I'll try and make it happen. I think I'm an alright girl. I'm fun, right? Ugh. Stupid metal dudes. Do it to me every time.
I'll be getting my first assignment for the paper next week. I'm so excited to get started again. I'm ready to be dedicated. It's when I'm most happy. I love the deadline. I love listening to music, seeing movies, going to shows, interacting with people, observing my surroundings. I love everything about the field. I know I have what it takes. I just need to warm up again. The "technical" rules fuck my shit up and I'm always carrying around "The Associated Press Style Book". Gross. I have to do it, though. Well, if I want a job. Yes, please.
I'm such a sporadic piece of crap.
In other news, Carly's coming home on Friday. YES.
I'm starting to channel my frustrations on working out. (and writing, duh). It's good that I'm getting healthy and I'm starting to sort of like myself, and overall I'm a really happy person. I just can't look at pictures from high school. Well, of myself. I get disgusted and have to exit the screen. I sound like such an emo kid. wah wah wah. I keep thinking about this dude and it's driving me up the fucking wall. I wish there was just a way for me to see that not everything is impossible. I'll try and make it happen. I think I'm an alright girl. I'm fun, right? Ugh. Stupid metal dudes. Do it to me every time.
I'll be getting my first assignment for the paper next week. I'm so excited to get started again. I'm ready to be dedicated. It's when I'm most happy. I love the deadline. I love listening to music, seeing movies, going to shows, interacting with people, observing my surroundings. I love everything about the field. I know I have what it takes. I just need to warm up again. The "technical" rules fuck my shit up and I'm always carrying around "The Associated Press Style Book". Gross. I have to do it, though. Well, if I want a job. Yes, please.
I'm such a sporadic piece of crap.
In other news, Carly's coming home on Friday. YES.