It's been awhile.
Life has changed so much in the past six months for me. I've gone from being a completely dependent on Daniel to learning what it's like to live life alone. The drastic changes have had their ups and downs--they have broken me and healed me, ripped me and scarred me, and in many ways have left me both uglier and more beautiful.
I haven't really even put what went through my head into words when I actually realized it was over. It started out as literally a physical pain in my stomach that prevented me from eating and sleeping. I've never hurt so much. I never fathomed that you could feel like you lost a part of yourself until I finally came to terms with everything that happened. It was worse than someone taking an enormous chunk of flesh out of my body. Everything that I did was unbalanced because there was this other half who was no longer participating in my life, my emotions, my friendships. I kinda felt like I was sitting on a chair that was missing two legs yet still trying to make it work. Where do you find a replacement for that? I wondered for awhile if I ever would.
I think I've done okay finding some of that missing portion within myself. But I know that I haven't found it all. My actions make that clearer and clearer by the day.
The last two months have been the craziest. It's been one party after another, one night right after the next with no rest for the weary. I've thrown myself into every depression suppressing "fix" that this world has to offer--drugs, alcohol, people, you name it. I've popped more ecstasy in a month than most people do in a year. All because I feel like I can't feel good by myself, like I need a drug to make me feel happy. And I don't know how to stop. I want nothing more than to come home tonight after catching up with Evan, pick up my room a little bit, spend some time with my dogs, fold down my covers and collapse on my pillow. But I probably won't. My lack of control over myself right now is ridiculous, not so much because I fail at doing what I know is best for me, but because I'm aware of everything and am doing it anyways. I feel pathetic, like a failure, like a child trapped in a 21 year old's body.
It's beyond ridiculous. I should be graduating from college right now and instead I'm just barely starting. I haven't even gone to my first class yet and I've already started slipping. I'm fed up with it. I want to move on in life, get past this childish bullshit, but I just surround myself with more of it, with people who I know are going to create it. And I do nothing to further my education in the process. I already lost a great job to partying, and I feel like I'm getting ready to throw away my grades as well.
I wish I had a group of friends that's in the same mindset as me. It's so much easier to pursue something like this when you're surrounded by people doing the same thing. Not when every text or call that comes in is an invite to a party or rave. If you're asked once, it's easy to say no. When you're asked thirty times in one day, it gets harder every time. At least for me. I just haven't found those people. I don't even know where to start looking. Or...
And there's another invite to a kegger tonight. Why not when there's nothing else to do?
I just let out the biggest sigh ever. I'm so disappointed in myself.
Time for chores.
I haven't really even put what went through my head into words when I actually realized it was over. It started out as literally a physical pain in my stomach that prevented me from eating and sleeping. I've never hurt so much. I never fathomed that you could feel like you lost a part of yourself until I finally came to terms with everything that happened. It was worse than someone taking an enormous chunk of flesh out of my body. Everything that I did was unbalanced because there was this other half who was no longer participating in my life, my emotions, my friendships. I kinda felt like I was sitting on a chair that was missing two legs yet still trying to make it work. Where do you find a replacement for that? I wondered for awhile if I ever would.
I think I've done okay finding some of that missing portion within myself. But I know that I haven't found it all. My actions make that clearer and clearer by the day.
The last two months have been the craziest. It's been one party after another, one night right after the next with no rest for the weary. I've thrown myself into every depression suppressing "fix" that this world has to offer--drugs, alcohol, people, you name it. I've popped more ecstasy in a month than most people do in a year. All because I feel like I can't feel good by myself, like I need a drug to make me feel happy. And I don't know how to stop. I want nothing more than to come home tonight after catching up with Evan, pick up my room a little bit, spend some time with my dogs, fold down my covers and collapse on my pillow. But I probably won't. My lack of control over myself right now is ridiculous, not so much because I fail at doing what I know is best for me, but because I'm aware of everything and am doing it anyways. I feel pathetic, like a failure, like a child trapped in a 21 year old's body.
It's beyond ridiculous. I should be graduating from college right now and instead I'm just barely starting. I haven't even gone to my first class yet and I've already started slipping. I'm fed up with it. I want to move on in life, get past this childish bullshit, but I just surround myself with more of it, with people who I know are going to create it. And I do nothing to further my education in the process. I already lost a great job to partying, and I feel like I'm getting ready to throw away my grades as well.
I wish I had a group of friends that's in the same mindset as me. It's so much easier to pursue something like this when you're surrounded by people doing the same thing. Not when every text or call that comes in is an invite to a party or rave. If you're asked once, it's easy to say no. When you're asked thirty times in one day, it gets harder every time. At least for me. I just haven't found those people. I don't even know where to start looking. Or...
And there's another invite to a kegger tonight. Why not when there's nothing else to do?
I just let out the biggest sigh ever. I'm so disappointed in myself.
Time for chores.