Ugh
I haven't been on here for a while, but I kind of felt I needed to let out my feelings.
For some reason I've been getting really irritable lately.
I used to sit down and eat dinner with my parents and sit down with them, but lately I've just been getting up soon as I'm done and running off to my brother's old room.
He's in the army now...basic training to be exact...
This is the only place you can steal the neighbor's wi-fi.
I don't know why I'm so upset lately.
It's probably something simple like pms...
or the fact that I'm taking less of my medication.
It just seems I'm only happy when I'm deep into something like listening to Bowie or reading fanfiction or...walking.
Although...I'm forbidden to go walking outside again...after what happened.
...I was walking to my friend's place...and there was this man who approached me with a baby with a stroller.
He engaged me in conversation and at first it was fine and innocent....then he got onto the conversation of whether or not I had a boyfriend...and I said no...then he asked me if I had ever gotten my pussy licked by a black man...he was black.
I didn't know what to do...I was cowardly so I just said no...and walked faster...still talking to him.
I should have said something...done something...but I didn't.
I'm such a coward.
Anyway...so I told my mom...stupid mistake.
So now I can't go walking anymore.
And I'm cooped up inside this house...
with nothing but Bowie to keep me happy.
I feel trapped.
I feel the need to go out anyway...but then again...I am afraid.
What if there are more people like him out there.
It's sad...he seemed like a nice fellow...he had a kid for god's sake.
I think I'll find it hard trusting people for a while.
I don't know why I let such a stupid little thing like that plague me.
It's one of the first things I think of in the morning, then my mood is ruined.
I'm still afraid to go to college, so I remain the failure of my family.
I don't want to be a failure...I'm just terrified.
It takes so much money...the application alone is thirty dollars...
I have no money at all.
I was stupid and spent the last of my money on two cds and a record.
At least it's a very nice record...Space Oddity.
Sounds amazing played loud on vinyl.
I long for an escape....
but there is none.
There is only facing my fears....
but I can't.
So I lay here day in and day out...
doing nothing...going nowhere.
Without a car, without a job, without school.
I just want to wake up in a dream and have my past no longer matter.
I want to be in total control of the world around me, not the other way around.
But...that's just nonsense.
Crazy talk.
There's nothing I can do.
For some reason I've been getting really irritable lately.
I used to sit down and eat dinner with my parents and sit down with them, but lately I've just been getting up soon as I'm done and running off to my brother's old room.
He's in the army now...basic training to be exact...
This is the only place you can steal the neighbor's wi-fi.
I don't know why I'm so upset lately.
It's probably something simple like pms...
or the fact that I'm taking less of my medication.
It just seems I'm only happy when I'm deep into something like listening to Bowie or reading fanfiction or...walking.
Although...I'm forbidden to go walking outside again...after what happened.
...I was walking to my friend's place...and there was this man who approached me with a baby with a stroller.
He engaged me in conversation and at first it was fine and innocent....then he got onto the conversation of whether or not I had a boyfriend...and I said no...then he asked me if I had ever gotten my pussy licked by a black man...he was black.
I didn't know what to do...I was cowardly so I just said no...and walked faster...still talking to him.
I should have said something...done something...but I didn't.
I'm such a coward.
Anyway...so I told my mom...stupid mistake.
So now I can't go walking anymore.
And I'm cooped up inside this house...
with nothing but Bowie to keep me happy.
I feel trapped.
I feel the need to go out anyway...but then again...I am afraid.
What if there are more people like him out there.
It's sad...he seemed like a nice fellow...he had a kid for god's sake.
I think I'll find it hard trusting people for a while.
I don't know why I let such a stupid little thing like that plague me.
It's one of the first things I think of in the morning, then my mood is ruined.
I'm still afraid to go to college, so I remain the failure of my family.
I don't want to be a failure...I'm just terrified.
It takes so much money...the application alone is thirty dollars...
I have no money at all.
I was stupid and spent the last of my money on two cds and a record.
At least it's a very nice record...Space Oddity.
Sounds amazing played loud on vinyl.
I long for an escape....
but there is none.
There is only facing my fears....
but I can't.
So I lay here day in and day out...
doing nothing...going nowhere.
Without a car, without a job, without school.
I just want to wake up in a dream and have my past no longer matter.
I want to be in total control of the world around me, not the other way around.
But...that's just nonsense.
Crazy talk.
There's nothing I can do.