-Rock On-
How the hell am I to decide anything other then to "live" or to "die"?
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I know that I have friends and I would do anything for them. They are great people to be around and I know that they do care about me a lot. They know who they are and I would just like to tell them thank you for everything.
But, cause there is always a different side with me, I know I don't have a best friend. Everyone who I have ever met has had a significant person to go to and have them help them with everything. They were best friends. Friends who would sacrifice everything else in their life for that other person. And the feeling was mutual. I have never been great at being a friend. I apparently am not the type to get to know and establish a relationship with. In fact, the only friends that I do have right now are those people that I went to High School with. College is a new world to me. It is so awesome to be here and I have experienced so many things, some good and some bad, all were great things to go through and to learn from. But I have no one to really share my times of sorrow and my times of joy with. I don't have a group of people that I seem to belong to. I am homeless when it comes to a peoples I can call my own friends.
I know that it is my fault for not finding the type of people that are more like me. I don't want to go and find a different group of people, because already I seem to upset people when I get to busy to be a friend. I don't want to lose any of my friends that I have right now because they are awesome people that no one should ever want to forget. I just don't feel complete or my comfortable enough to be who I see myself as around them. They all look at me and find so many things that are wrong with me. This is a good thing, to have friends tell you what you are and help you be the best that you can be. But it can become a bad thing. It becomes one when there are so many things that are wrong with you that you can not be the person you want to be. It is kind of like a child who is fussed at when he brings home a bad grade in school. The child learns to bring home good grades so as to avoid a harsh reprimand. However, if the child feels like he tries his hardest to do his best and still fails in his parents eyes and receives his "due" punishment, then he will give up. He will feel as if he will never be able to succeed in his parents eyes. I feel as if I am a child who makes mistake after mistake and therefore receives his "due" punishment.
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A boy goes to live with his grandparents on the beach one summer. Day in and day out they wander the oceanside searching for shells and stones. One evening the boy is called inside at around dusk. There is large storm that is coming in during the night and the grandparents want the boy safe inside before it hits. The next morning the kid runs out to play and to collect the odd pieces of drift wood that have been thrown on to the beach. As he looks down the beach, he is horrified at what he sees. There are thousands upon thousands of starfish who are now lying on the beach because they too were washed up from the storm. The boy runs to get his grandparents so that he can enlist their help in his life saving scheme. His grandparents are unwilling to assist and explain to him that this happens almost every summer and that although it is sad the starfish will dry out and die, it is part of natures plan.
Undiscouraged by their lack of support to help him save the starfish, he darts out the door ignoring his grandmother's call to eat a little breakfast first. One by one, he picks them up and tosses them back into the water. For hours the boy continues on with his work of saving the starfish. His grandparents come out and watch for awhile and talk back and forth at how his efforts are in vain but still unflinching. The boy continues, starfish after starfish, throw by throw, saving one by one. Refusing lunch and then dinner, the boy keeps on at his task. Deep into the night the boy is still on the beach knowing that the remaining clouds of the previous storm will be gone by tomorrow and the hot sun of the next day will dry out the remaining starfish on the beach. Finally the grandparents find it no longer amusing. It is time to go to bed. The grandfather walks out onto the beach and tells the child that it is time to come on in. The boy replies that tomorrow the rest of the starfish will surely die. The grandfather says that he knows and that he truly is sad but there are thousands of them and they can never all be saved. The child calmly replies as he picks up a starfish that he knows he can't save them all. He throws the one in his hand back into the sea. "But I just saved that one, and I just saved that one, and now this one."
The next morning the child gets up and is surprised to find his grandfather on the beach. All night the grandfather had been picking the starfish up and throwing them back.
-You can't save everybody, but you can save one by one, fish by fish, person by person.-
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I know that I have friends and I would do anything for them. They are great people to be around and I know that they do care about me a lot. They know who they are and I would just like to tell them thank you for everything.
But, cause there is always a different side with me, I know I don't have a best friend. Everyone who I have ever met has had a significant person to go to and have them help them with everything. They were best friends. Friends who would sacrifice everything else in their life for that other person. And the feeling was mutual. I have never been great at being a friend. I apparently am not the type to get to know and establish a relationship with. In fact, the only friends that I do have right now are those people that I went to High School with. College is a new world to me. It is so awesome to be here and I have experienced so many things, some good and some bad, all were great things to go through and to learn from. But I have no one to really share my times of sorrow and my times of joy with. I don't have a group of people that I seem to belong to. I am homeless when it comes to a peoples I can call my own friends.
I know that it is my fault for not finding the type of people that are more like me. I don't want to go and find a different group of people, because already I seem to upset people when I get to busy to be a friend. I don't want to lose any of my friends that I have right now because they are awesome people that no one should ever want to forget. I just don't feel complete or my comfortable enough to be who I see myself as around them. They all look at me and find so many things that are wrong with me. This is a good thing, to have friends tell you what you are and help you be the best that you can be. But it can become a bad thing. It becomes one when there are so many things that are wrong with you that you can not be the person you want to be. It is kind of like a child who is fussed at when he brings home a bad grade in school. The child learns to bring home good grades so as to avoid a harsh reprimand. However, if the child feels like he tries his hardest to do his best and still fails in his parents eyes and receives his "due" punishment, then he will give up. He will feel as if he will never be able to succeed in his parents eyes. I feel as if I am a child who makes mistake after mistake and therefore receives his "due" punishment.
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A boy goes to live with his grandparents on the beach one summer. Day in and day out they wander the oceanside searching for shells and stones. One evening the boy is called inside at around dusk. There is large storm that is coming in during the night and the grandparents want the boy safe inside before it hits. The next morning the kid runs out to play and to collect the odd pieces of drift wood that have been thrown on to the beach. As he looks down the beach, he is horrified at what he sees. There are thousands upon thousands of starfish who are now lying on the beach because they too were washed up from the storm. The boy runs to get his grandparents so that he can enlist their help in his life saving scheme. His grandparents are unwilling to assist and explain to him that this happens almost every summer and that although it is sad the starfish will dry out and die, it is part of natures plan.
Undiscouraged by their lack of support to help him save the starfish, he darts out the door ignoring his grandmother's call to eat a little breakfast first. One by one, he picks them up and tosses them back into the water. For hours the boy continues on with his work of saving the starfish. His grandparents come out and watch for awhile and talk back and forth at how his efforts are in vain but still unflinching. The boy continues, starfish after starfish, throw by throw, saving one by one. Refusing lunch and then dinner, the boy keeps on at his task. Deep into the night the boy is still on the beach knowing that the remaining clouds of the previous storm will be gone by tomorrow and the hot sun of the next day will dry out the remaining starfish on the beach. Finally the grandparents find it no longer amusing. It is time to go to bed. The grandfather walks out onto the beach and tells the child that it is time to come on in. The boy replies that tomorrow the rest of the starfish will surely die. The grandfather says that he knows and that he truly is sad but there are thousands of them and they can never all be saved. The child calmly replies as he picks up a starfish that he knows he can't save them all. He throws the one in his hand back into the sea. "But I just saved that one, and I just saved that one, and now this one."
The next morning the child gets up and is surprised to find his grandfather on the beach. All night the grandfather had been picking the starfish up and throwing them back.
-You can't save everybody, but you can save one by one, fish by fish, person by person.-