just gah sometimes
you know when you feel gah, like, actually just "gah"
thats how im feeling now
it seems like its hard to get my feet in place
like, im on the edge of the balance beam and just keeping my arms straight enough and head up for the presentation.
things are changing, and fast now in my life, alot of it having to do with school and money.
i know that whole expression, "you don't know what you have till its gone"
i dont have much, and frankly, i never did.
i have alot of what others dont.
i do consider myself actually grateful for what i have. when i learn about how craptacular the rest of the world is, my problems seem insignificant, really really really insignificant.
but because we are human, we are self centered and therefore base how horrible our lives are on our own perceptions. i know though, how lucky i am to have what i have.
although, no matter how grateful i am, it never seems to make things turn out right.
i dont have control over alot in my life, and sometimes, thats scary.
i've become quieter in teh past year, simply because i feel like i dont have the energy to argue anymore, i've realized there is no point in the end, its like trying to tell a blind man an apple is red, if he's never seen a day in his life.
one of the problems is school, and paying for it
frankly, the whole living at home for practically free is great, but the bus ride is just getting to mentally and physically draining, especially on those early mornings...as well, its seems to have affects my motivation to even go to class...therefore, i am once again moving away, even if i have to sell my soul to the bank to do it...
speaking of which...when friends around you are all getting school paid for by their parents...and i am not, that gets frustrating.
i know it might make me a more responsible person, or better or whatever others tell me, but that doesnt' make it any damn easier!
another kind of sad note is im not completely happy with my life.
i wish my family life was better and that i had more time
or that my week didn't consist of working late for 4 days, then going to school for the next 3
im in design school, but i seem to have lost my motivation for it.
i dont feel like doing art for the sake of doing it anymore.
maybe once i move out again, things will change, who knows.
i still have ties to the past in different areas of my life that i know i still hold bitterness and anger towards. i guess i still feel a bit hurt by them all? i really have no clue, i never lived the popular hip girl gets what she wants life. meh, its overrated anyway.
although, this isnt all bad news.
i've been with adam now for over 7 months.
we've had real ups, and real downs and real middles.
the distance is hard, but we pull through.
it gets more serious as time goes on, and im not complaining
through all the chaos, im glad i have him.
he really is amazing.
do you know what its like, to look at the perfect person, that one person who you know has affected your life forever and that you care and love so much, and realize thatone day, in some way or another, its going to end...
and you realize that things will never be the same
things will never measure up the way they did before.
yet, in some strange way, you knwo thats ok, thats right.
its a weird kind of compromise and its not even quite bittersweet.
you just look at them, and know...
they are that important, that perfect, that...powerful.
sometimes, that brings tears to my eyes, yet they are never quite shed.
i can only hope that day doesn't come soon.
yet, he also makes me so happy, that i come to happy tears adn that in itself, can drive away that perplexing compromise.
if you really, honestly have someone that special in your life, realize them for who they are.
i belive in fate, sort of...
i belive yes, you have a fate already planned out, but at the same time you can decide it.
i believe fate, your fate, is like a tree...
you start at the roots, go up the trunk, but then you hit the branches...
every branch is a decision, an oppertunity, anything...
we make thousands upon thousands of decisions every day, weither it be consciously, or subconsiously.
adn with everyone, we decide what branch we take...all branches come to an end.
some are long, some are short, and some intertwine with others.
some have branches that come out of the main one.
and these are all different fates that you can choose.
every decision has an effect on your life...
whether you leave the house now...or 5 min from now
whether you hold open that door for the stranger, or you dont.
whether you kiss him now, or you kiss him later.
everything has an effect because everything must.
and at the same time, everyone else is choosing which branch to climb.
it may seem like a weird way of looking at things, but it makes sense to me.
i think its how i ended up with adam, plus pauls advice "you'll find what you're looking for once you stop looking for it" also helped... ;)
either way, i love him, and i hope i've picked the right path so that we're together a long time
but, we'll just have to see.
i may feel gah
but as soon as i tell adam that, he'll say something cheesy and i'll laugh
and things wont seem to gah anymore
maybe just a meh
or *sigh
until he says something else :P
thats how im feeling now
it seems like its hard to get my feet in place
like, im on the edge of the balance beam and just keeping my arms straight enough and head up for the presentation.
things are changing, and fast now in my life, alot of it having to do with school and money.
i know that whole expression, "you don't know what you have till its gone"
i dont have much, and frankly, i never did.
i have alot of what others dont.
i do consider myself actually grateful for what i have. when i learn about how craptacular the rest of the world is, my problems seem insignificant, really really really insignificant.
but because we are human, we are self centered and therefore base how horrible our lives are on our own perceptions. i know though, how lucky i am to have what i have.
although, no matter how grateful i am, it never seems to make things turn out right.
i dont have control over alot in my life, and sometimes, thats scary.
i've become quieter in teh past year, simply because i feel like i dont have the energy to argue anymore, i've realized there is no point in the end, its like trying to tell a blind man an apple is red, if he's never seen a day in his life.
one of the problems is school, and paying for it
frankly, the whole living at home for practically free is great, but the bus ride is just getting to mentally and physically draining, especially on those early mornings...as well, its seems to have affects my motivation to even go to class...therefore, i am once again moving away, even if i have to sell my soul to the bank to do it...
speaking of which...when friends around you are all getting school paid for by their parents...and i am not, that gets frustrating.
i know it might make me a more responsible person, or better or whatever others tell me, but that doesnt' make it any damn easier!
another kind of sad note is im not completely happy with my life.
i wish my family life was better and that i had more time
or that my week didn't consist of working late for 4 days, then going to school for the next 3
im in design school, but i seem to have lost my motivation for it.
i dont feel like doing art for the sake of doing it anymore.
maybe once i move out again, things will change, who knows.
i still have ties to the past in different areas of my life that i know i still hold bitterness and anger towards. i guess i still feel a bit hurt by them all? i really have no clue, i never lived the popular hip girl gets what she wants life. meh, its overrated anyway.
although, this isnt all bad news.
i've been with adam now for over 7 months.
we've had real ups, and real downs and real middles.
the distance is hard, but we pull through.
it gets more serious as time goes on, and im not complaining
through all the chaos, im glad i have him.
he really is amazing.
do you know what its like, to look at the perfect person, that one person who you know has affected your life forever and that you care and love so much, and realize thatone day, in some way or another, its going to end...
and you realize that things will never be the same
things will never measure up the way they did before.
yet, in some strange way, you knwo thats ok, thats right.
its a weird kind of compromise and its not even quite bittersweet.
you just look at them, and know...
they are that important, that perfect, that...powerful.
sometimes, that brings tears to my eyes, yet they are never quite shed.
i can only hope that day doesn't come soon.
yet, he also makes me so happy, that i come to happy tears adn that in itself, can drive away that perplexing compromise.
if you really, honestly have someone that special in your life, realize them for who they are.
i belive in fate, sort of...
i belive yes, you have a fate already planned out, but at the same time you can decide it.
i believe fate, your fate, is like a tree...
you start at the roots, go up the trunk, but then you hit the branches...
every branch is a decision, an oppertunity, anything...
we make thousands upon thousands of decisions every day, weither it be consciously, or subconsiously.
adn with everyone, we decide what branch we take...all branches come to an end.
some are long, some are short, and some intertwine with others.
some have branches that come out of the main one.
and these are all different fates that you can choose.
every decision has an effect on your life...
whether you leave the house now...or 5 min from now
whether you hold open that door for the stranger, or you dont.
whether you kiss him now, or you kiss him later.
everything has an effect because everything must.
and at the same time, everyone else is choosing which branch to climb.
it may seem like a weird way of looking at things, but it makes sense to me.
i think its how i ended up with adam, plus pauls advice "you'll find what you're looking for once you stop looking for it" also helped... ;)
either way, i love him, and i hope i've picked the right path so that we're together a long time
but, we'll just have to see.
i may feel gah
but as soon as i tell adam that, he'll say something cheesy and i'll laugh
and things wont seem to gah anymore
maybe just a meh
or *sigh
until he says something else :P