(no subject)
I don't get people. Why do you go to big parties when you could hang out with friends? I'm not saying there can't be alcohol involved, but don't people get that that shit's boring? I was at a potluck at my friends' house last night and then everyone got drunk and left for this stupid party. It sucked balls. Dark, crowded, anonymous, and stupid fucking Alex Harrison kept getting really really close and hugging me and saying he was going to pass out because of me. Fuck that shit. I don't know how to handle the hook-up culture... To get people to leave me alone. And I'm not comfortable being physically close to most people, even girls. So I don't know how to handle it when girls do that stupid touchy feely shit that girls do. I don't want to dance with them. Or on them.
I guess I got used to the level of weird, anti-social people at Metro, and now I feel like the freak. Nobody's as accepting as they think they are.
Fuck guys, I don't even know. I'm so confused all the fucking time. I'm getting pretty depressed again. I tried applying to schools to transfer to, and failed on most counts. I got in an application for Loyola. Truman website is being a bitch. I want to live there, but it's not really academically right for me anyway. Whatever. I don't know if this matters - the fact that I didn't finish my applications. I don't plan on really ending up anywhere until next Fall. But I need to figure out something in the meantime. Oh, you didn't know? I'm transferring. Or taking some time off. Don't ask me why. I don't know these days. I don't know about next semester or next year.
I'm an athlete now, did you know that? Yeah, it's the best thing I've got going for me right now.
I need to hang out more with Melanie McPhee. She's a freshman (like everyone almost I'm on the novice crew team with), and is hilarious and independent, like me, Micaela, and basically no other girl here. I'm going to her house for Thanksgiving. I'm SO excited about that. There will be 40 people. There will be lots of good food and chaos. There will be flag football. We're going to DisneyLand.
My room is huge. And a shithole.
I weigh a lot more these days. But I'm pretty fit. It's funny how that works.
Yeah, yeah, I'm in an existential crisis. I'm not not myself. But I'm not myself. I've never felt so sorry for myself, such a lack of power. Yeah, yeah, it sucks. It's not like me, I know. My potential is a pile of shit that I stare at while shaking my head.
I hope it's not too late for me. Right now it really feels like everything's backwards. It sucks, guys. Fuck fuck fuck.
I know there's a way to look at this positively and be strong enough to still do well, but I just don't feel like doing it right now.
But don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem with life. It's totally sweet. It's just mine that's a little outta whack.
I guess I got used to the level of weird, anti-social people at Metro, and now I feel like the freak. Nobody's as accepting as they think they are.
Fuck guys, I don't even know. I'm so confused all the fucking time. I'm getting pretty depressed again. I tried applying to schools to transfer to, and failed on most counts. I got in an application for Loyola. Truman website is being a bitch. I want to live there, but it's not really academically right for me anyway. Whatever. I don't know if this matters - the fact that I didn't finish my applications. I don't plan on really ending up anywhere until next Fall. But I need to figure out something in the meantime. Oh, you didn't know? I'm transferring. Or taking some time off. Don't ask me why. I don't know these days. I don't know about next semester or next year.
I'm an athlete now, did you know that? Yeah, it's the best thing I've got going for me right now.
I need to hang out more with Melanie McPhee. She's a freshman (like everyone almost I'm on the novice crew team with), and is hilarious and independent, like me, Micaela, and basically no other girl here. I'm going to her house for Thanksgiving. I'm SO excited about that. There will be 40 people. There will be lots of good food and chaos. There will be flag football. We're going to DisneyLand.
My room is huge. And a shithole.
I weigh a lot more these days. But I'm pretty fit. It's funny how that works.
Yeah, yeah, I'm in an existential crisis. I'm not not myself. But I'm not myself. I've never felt so sorry for myself, such a lack of power. Yeah, yeah, it sucks. It's not like me, I know. My potential is a pile of shit that I stare at while shaking my head.
I hope it's not too late for me. Right now it really feels like everything's backwards. It sucks, guys. Fuck fuck fuck.
I know there's a way to look at this positively and be strong enough to still do well, but I just don't feel like doing it right now.
But don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem with life. It's totally sweet. It's just mine that's a little outta whack.