Long update to get you caught up to today
December 2nd,2009
Well its only a few hours after midnight so its the 2nd. I realized this weekend that I still have a lot of anger towards my mom. I know I gained weight over the weekend. ate a lot more then usual and my headaches got worse. you know how someone asks you how your doing and you say “okay” out of habit or you are trying to convince yourself that you are? Well I’m not okay. I wrote about my first boyfriend in the last entry. what i didn’t write is that he was one of the people that abused me. his wife (the girl he dumped me for) sent me a message on face book asking if we could be friends.. why would I really want to be friends with her? I had dreams about him and realized even after he hurt me, I still had feelings for him. what really bothers me about it is the fact that after we broke up I was having problems in my Spanish class so my teacher assigned me a tutor… Guess who??? yup my first husband!!! talk about rebound. problem is after he went to Mexico and left me with no money and a child to take care of I got a job and meet someone else… my second husband… when my relationship with him ended I was at massage school.. that's where I meet Christopher. So now when everything is going wrong and I’m having all these nightmares I wonder if Christopher was just another rebound. i have been with him for almost 6 years now. With Christopher our relationship isn’t based just on sex. he truly cares about me. when Sam was in the picture all i could think about was Christopher. I have come a long way with him. I can talk openly about what i want without fear. i am starting to be able to do things for myself which in turn reduces my depression. With my ex i would never have got to a bar/club at all, with Chris I have gone twice.. well once the first time was really just Azteca. the second time was when i went with Brenda and was her drive home and even then i just sat there watching her dance and drink. I have been having those dreams about my first bf but i have also been having others. last night i woke up after having a dream about my second kissing me in front of Christopher, and Christopher beating the crap out of him. i don’t know really if its because I still have feeling for him or if I wanted the attention from Christopher. or a little of both. I don't know… these dreams started after my son told me he saw his dad kissing another girl. I guess I still have issues to work out. as I was laying here i looked over at my dream catcher. its shaped like a heart with brown leather, yellow string and orange beads with feathers. I started thinking about my grandmother. we found out after she died that she was Native American. if my grandfather knew that he would have never married her and i wouldn’t be here today. I started thinking about all the things she taught me and realized not that it was her way of passing things on to me without my grandfather knowing. i fell asleep thinking about it and had the strangest dream.
I dreamed that i was a little girl again and had taken my journal to sit and write under a tree and write while we were out camping like i did as a child. i sat under the tree and started writing and the wind blew a spider onto my book. my first reaction would have been to squish it because i am deathly afraid of spiders. instead I sat there a few minutes and it didn’t move. I looked up and saw the web and carefully took my book and held it up the tree. the spider crawled off my book and into the hole in the tree. as I sat there i watched the web and started drawing it into my journal in each space I started writing words that describe me and made me strong. I never saw the words because I woke up… I have 9 more pages to type but i think that's enough of me writing for now..
December 8th, 2009
It’s 12:13 am and I am awake, and it really sucks to be me right now.
January 3, 2010
Okay I have been busy with the end of the year stuff, so much so that I haven't been writing, but this year is not one i care to remember so I am not writing about it. I will say that my 2010 starting weight is 219.75 I have written my goals in my weight loss journal and have not copied them to my hardcover journal but will be posting them here. i will tell you that this year no matter how hard it is i AM going to be meeting my goals. with help and support from my family, friends, counselor and doctor this year will be MY YEAR!!!
January 4th, 2010
Today is my son’s Birthday. i am so amazed at how big he is at only 9 years old. he is going to be tall like his father
. my weight today is 218.6 woohoo!!!!
January 5th, 2010
My computer crashed and I am so pissed. I can’t play wow or do anything else on it. if it weren't for the fact that I have yahoo and email and text messages on my phone I would be going crazy right now. i got this shake weight thing in the mail. I guess that it helps tone my arms, upper back and chest. I have been feeling terrible. i don’t sleep for a few days then i sleep all day and all night and its a circle. found out my medical may be cancelled. that's going to kill me. I looked at my meds and they cost me about $900 a month… I have to get off them!!!! Chris is back to his normal Schedule woohoo!!! I’m going to go now.