(no subject)
I wish this shit would feel more real. It might help.
I always kinda figured I'd have planned for a baby. Never thought I'd get a "SURPRISE!" baby. Which is stupid, really, because when you're actually PLANNING for your future I guess it never occurs to you that surprises happen. Luckily, my being a big sister and having that actually be the core of me being for most of my life has prepared me a little. I've changed about a bajillion diapers, bathed babies, dropped babies, dressed babies... Bitch, I got the day-to-day details. However, I haven't carried one myself, spawned one myself, been the provider myself--- The big shit, I've never done. The more real this becomes the more nervous I get, and frankly, this is shit I SHOULD BE nervous about. However... its like I'm postponing the crazy nervousness, out of this whole feeling that maybe this is some incredibly evolved delusion of mine.
I wanted to have so many things done by the time this baby entered our lives... School! Have a PERMANENT address in a place I want to consider PERMANENT rather than rent a house in a town in which I have no intention of staying. I figure we'd never have enough money for us to go, "Ok, we can spawn now" so money wasn't a HUGE issue... but you know? I wanted to have my life a bit more together before dragging someone else kicking and screaming into the world. On the other hand, there's the whole, "IS ANYBODY EVER AS READY AS THEY WANTED TO BE? NO" statement that rattles through my head. We have good-paying jobs, a spare room, cheap-fucking rent, and our lives are amazingly put together at the moment. So its not ALL bad. I'm just being picky and emotional... Thanks, Baby, like I wasn't emotional enough BEFORE, you had to give me a fresh batch of crazy.
I always kinda figured I'd have planned for a baby. Never thought I'd get a "SURPRISE!" baby. Which is stupid, really, because when you're actually PLANNING for your future I guess it never occurs to you that surprises happen. Luckily, my being a big sister and having that actually be the core of me being for most of my life has prepared me a little. I've changed about a bajillion diapers, bathed babies, dropped babies, dressed babies... Bitch, I got the day-to-day details. However, I haven't carried one myself, spawned one myself, been the provider myself--- The big shit, I've never done. The more real this becomes the more nervous I get, and frankly, this is shit I SHOULD BE nervous about. However... its like I'm postponing the crazy nervousness, out of this whole feeling that maybe this is some incredibly evolved delusion of mine.
I wanted to have so many things done by the time this baby entered our lives... School! Have a PERMANENT address in a place I want to consider PERMANENT rather than rent a house in a town in which I have no intention of staying. I figure we'd never have enough money for us to go, "Ok, we can spawn now" so money wasn't a HUGE issue... but you know? I wanted to have my life a bit more together before dragging someone else kicking and screaming into the world. On the other hand, there's the whole, "IS ANYBODY EVER AS READY AS THEY WANTED TO BE? NO" statement that rattles through my head. We have good-paying jobs, a spare room, cheap-fucking rent, and our lives are amazingly put together at the moment. So its not ALL bad. I'm just being picky and emotional... Thanks, Baby, like I wasn't emotional enough BEFORE, you had to give me a fresh batch of crazy.