stuck in the past again
well. lately i've been thinkin alot about a certain person. i wish i could stop, i really truly do cuz i'm tired of hurtin cuz of them. It got me thinking about other people who really hurt me alot. And suddenly i wondered y that kind of stuff has the ability to make me want to cry weeks, months, and even years later. Well I think that something tiff said to me pretty much sums it up. They have the ability to make unforgettable moments. Which is so true. Almost everyone who has created an unforgettable moment for me ended up hurting me alot. Not all of them though. Some of them are purely sweet. Like in elementary school, w/ one of my first "boyfriends" (heh yea right, elementary school was a sweet imitation of what comes later). I remember the first day we were 'together' we looked across the room at each other and he just smiled at me. It prolly doesn't seem like much to anyone whos reading this but it made my lil fifth grade heart glow. Its one of my memories that is unfaded by time and untainted by pain. Unfortunately its one of an extreme few. Alot of the others that arent faded are bittersweet because of other things. Like one guy i was with for a long time, i could prolly write pages about when we were together. Unfortunately our relationship was hurting me mentally. It was an absolute no win situation, b/c it was hurting me to stay with him, and it hurt me even more when i finally ended it. Looking at the person hes become years later, I can't help but wonder if it was partially my fault. even though i know thats stupid to think. he was becoming that person while we were still together. I've always had kind of a tendancy to assume stuff like that is my fault. I feel like i should of been able to stop it. Its funny how much i dwell on the past. i try not to i really do, but i seem to get stuck there alot. Especially when it comes to this particular guy. After i left him, he wouldn't even look at me for months. I didnt think anything could hurt that badly. boy was i naive. that was just the beginning of it for me. Since then i've been blown off more times than i'd like to mention and cheated on. It all just starts to add up after awhile. its exhausting. i'm kind of hoping by writing all of this down i'll let some of it go and clear my head a little bit because the real reason i've been thinking about alot of my past relationships is ive started to like someone new, and im terrified. Even if by some miracle he starts to see me in the same way, whats to say he wont just up and blow me off? or if we get together, how do i kno hes not gonna cheat on me?? I find myself almost hoping hes already with someone or doesn't like me at all. i just wanna get through the rest of my high school career unscathed. Anyway i feel a lil shelled out now so maybe i'll be able to sleep. Its kinda funny how what one person did to me made me remember and dwell on stuff that happened a long time ago.