(no subject)
I haven been blogging for a while now.. Many things has taken shape and recently as much as i do not want to admit i been plague more and more by waves of sadness and depression.. Many things has taken place more often than not things that do not brings about much smile to my life...
People coming and people going and more or less you come to get use to such things but i guess when it happens one too often you being to reflect inwardly with questions like is it me? or what did i do wrong? what is wrong with me? is there something that is wrong with me? these questions has been bugging me past few months and more or less it has affect me pretty much majorly these days.
I haven spoken much about this to anyone because it sounds like a repetitive things that i always have issues with and confiding in the my trustees of besties would only get the same answer that there is nothing wrong with me and much often answers in which i can more or less know what they are going to say.
If they are right then in which i guess to many degrees they are then why does the things that happen in my life keeps recurring. They say the fault lies not with me if things happen once, and if twice maybe either or or thrice then could be either but if it happens one too many times then wouldnt that problem be me?
I don understand how this adult games of emotions works. I think i am such a bad player at it to a point i think i sucks even the younger ones beat me at this game or that i sticking mynose to places i don belong. I am not good a writer or at writing words but i don know things that has been going on has spill quite a fair bit into my career life.. how can it not affect my career when things just seems be going backwards rather than forward.
Why is it when i do not express my least of care for something or someone they come running to me and seems to beg for my attention to them and when i give them the attention they either wane away or just simply dissapear.. is it really that bad me in person? am i really that turn off.. it hard to swallow but the word " you are a nice guy" " you are a very nice guy" coming out of so many people mouth abt me does not bode good anymore for me in fact it feels like a knife that just slices into my heart..
in other words the word just mean u r good as a friend ONLy or you are good but not good enough or you r really nice but i pass or you are better off with me as a buddy least i don want tolose you cause u been a good support.. Am i only good for that or that to satisfy someone craving or something? cant anyone see me pass that? i seems to always the guy whom someone broke someone heart and run to, the guy whom need advice on a mid life career move or studies, someone to help cover for something someone for this and for that.. then when am i going be SOMEONE's someone.. when do i fit into that mould?
Meeting new people becomes such a nightmare that i scared if i see they either run away or after seeing me the good feelings or vibes just died or dissapear. I feel safer when i am the virtual guy, i m what they world want to see when i am the virtual guy, the real me seems to be less popular than the virtual one.
I am not insecure or hard on myself or the low self esteem or low confidence.. i din and was not one of these people but with time the bashing of the recurrent event kinda mould me into it.. that the event that kept recurring kept telling me that there is SOMETHING wrong with me. When i am truthful about how I feel or do, then i people run or find me too forthcoming and when i try to be more laid back i either stuck up or too cold or not interested.
subtly or not subtly after a certain meet up with people, the actions, move, the rejection and the silence always comes into play. the initiative from people suddenly just dissapear and then i left at where i started. it comes to a point during meet up my mind does alot of recording, from the smell to the surrounding to the actions, i kept it in my mind record it so when things turn sour or when things become bad or when i really cant get out of bed or am so laden with sorrows in my heart. i close my eyes and replay the sweet memories in my mind to tell me that i was wanted for that moment.. was taken into consideration.. and that i can savour that moment again in my mind..
how do i even explain these to my besties who haven been able to figure out what is wrong with me? how am i going to explain this to them? this painful thing thing which i don even know what is wrong with me.. sometimes i feel like bawling out because i so frustrated why is it some people are so good at this and getting someone and for my whole life i cant seems to be able to...
its a big joke to me when people recurringly tell me you know you are going to make one hella of a good bf to someone. whoever it is who wins ur heart is lucky to have you.. what i see whenever this comes to em is that.. hah! how am i going be a good one when no one want to win my heart and instead keeps breaking mine when i want to win theirs..
all i wan is having someone, waking up with, share some time with, snuggling,cuddling reading book with someone spend time with someone mine..
work been a real drag too, i getting worse at it because sometimes i don see the point in my effort when it goes unnoticed.i don get credit and even if i did put in effort when mistakes occurs they say i not doing it properly, i don get promoted, i get overlook for opportunities, given other things than those i requested to do for free by "management appointments"
what is the point? i want to be there for someone whom is mine iknow i can be there for the person, i can be the best that i can for the person, the highest amount of care that i can give of myself for the person, the attention, the love whole heartedly, giving time for the person to be with others if he needs to. I know i can give my all without expecting that the person returns back with the same tenacity that i can give just that all i want is that person to want me; the person whom i want to want me back only me. is that too much to ask for? cant i have that chance when i tell you i like you? whoever you are don i at least deserve the chance to show that i a more than what you think i can give.
what is my problem? i am so depressed
People coming and people going and more or less you come to get use to such things but i guess when it happens one too often you being to reflect inwardly with questions like is it me? or what did i do wrong? what is wrong with me? is there something that is wrong with me? these questions has been bugging me past few months and more or less it has affect me pretty much majorly these days.
I haven spoken much about this to anyone because it sounds like a repetitive things that i always have issues with and confiding in the my trustees of besties would only get the same answer that there is nothing wrong with me and much often answers in which i can more or less know what they are going to say.
If they are right then in which i guess to many degrees they are then why does the things that happen in my life keeps recurring. They say the fault lies not with me if things happen once, and if twice maybe either or or thrice then could be either but if it happens one too many times then wouldnt that problem be me?
I don understand how this adult games of emotions works. I think i am such a bad player at it to a point i think i sucks even the younger ones beat me at this game or that i sticking mynose to places i don belong. I am not good a writer or at writing words but i don know things that has been going on has spill quite a fair bit into my career life.. how can it not affect my career when things just seems be going backwards rather than forward.
Why is it when i do not express my least of care for something or someone they come running to me and seems to beg for my attention to them and when i give them the attention they either wane away or just simply dissapear.. is it really that bad me in person? am i really that turn off.. it hard to swallow but the word " you are a nice guy" " you are a very nice guy" coming out of so many people mouth abt me does not bode good anymore for me in fact it feels like a knife that just slices into my heart..
in other words the word just mean u r good as a friend ONLy or you are good but not good enough or you r really nice but i pass or you are better off with me as a buddy least i don want tolose you cause u been a good support.. Am i only good for that or that to satisfy someone craving or something? cant anyone see me pass that? i seems to always the guy whom someone broke someone heart and run to, the guy whom need advice on a mid life career move or studies, someone to help cover for something someone for this and for that.. then when am i going be SOMEONE's someone.. when do i fit into that mould?
Meeting new people becomes such a nightmare that i scared if i see they either run away or after seeing me the good feelings or vibes just died or dissapear. I feel safer when i am the virtual guy, i m what they world want to see when i am the virtual guy, the real me seems to be less popular than the virtual one.
I am not insecure or hard on myself or the low self esteem or low confidence.. i din and was not one of these people but with time the bashing of the recurrent event kinda mould me into it.. that the event that kept recurring kept telling me that there is SOMETHING wrong with me. When i am truthful about how I feel or do, then i people run or find me too forthcoming and when i try to be more laid back i either stuck up or too cold or not interested.
subtly or not subtly after a certain meet up with people, the actions, move, the rejection and the silence always comes into play. the initiative from people suddenly just dissapear and then i left at where i started. it comes to a point during meet up my mind does alot of recording, from the smell to the surrounding to the actions, i kept it in my mind record it so when things turn sour or when things become bad or when i really cant get out of bed or am so laden with sorrows in my heart. i close my eyes and replay the sweet memories in my mind to tell me that i was wanted for that moment.. was taken into consideration.. and that i can savour that moment again in my mind..
how do i even explain these to my besties who haven been able to figure out what is wrong with me? how am i going to explain this to them? this painful thing thing which i don even know what is wrong with me.. sometimes i feel like bawling out because i so frustrated why is it some people are so good at this and getting someone and for my whole life i cant seems to be able to...
its a big joke to me when people recurringly tell me you know you are going to make one hella of a good bf to someone. whoever it is who wins ur heart is lucky to have you.. what i see whenever this comes to em is that.. hah! how am i going be a good one when no one want to win my heart and instead keeps breaking mine when i want to win theirs..
all i wan is having someone, waking up with, share some time with, snuggling,cuddling reading book with someone spend time with someone mine..
work been a real drag too, i getting worse at it because sometimes i don see the point in my effort when it goes unnoticed.i don get credit and even if i did put in effort when mistakes occurs they say i not doing it properly, i don get promoted, i get overlook for opportunities, given other things than those i requested to do for free by "management appointments"
what is the point? i want to be there for someone whom is mine iknow i can be there for the person, i can be the best that i can for the person, the highest amount of care that i can give of myself for the person, the attention, the love whole heartedly, giving time for the person to be with others if he needs to. I know i can give my all without expecting that the person returns back with the same tenacity that i can give just that all i want is that person to want me; the person whom i want to want me back only me. is that too much to ask for? cant i have that chance when i tell you i like you? whoever you are don i at least deserve the chance to show that i a more than what you think i can give.
what is my problem? i am so depressed