Two roads diverged in the woods...
Hi..
Almost going on a month since my last journal entry. To those of you that comment (Dee, I appreciate it so much), I apologize for not commenting more or replying to your comments. I just get into this great writing mood, and then I just get "bleh" about it all. Does that make sense? It's been a while since I've seen my counselor. Probably since July or so. I think I'm doing ok. I'm actually happy more days than not. I think that's the first time in my life that this has happened. The only thing that worries me is that when I get down I REALLY get down. I meant emotional wise, not like "boogie on down" :P Somehow I make it through. I take things one day at a time, when I feel sad. Well...Wednesday is two years that my mom died. Passed fast. Is it dumb to be upset with people? Like...there are a lot of people in my life, that I feel like if I didn't make the effort to get a hold of them they would just forget about me or not even try to find me. People that I talk to regularly, but never put the effort in. Right here, right now, I feel like just saying "fuck it all" and just disappearing. Just becoming a hermit and living by myself. Sometimes it gets to be too much to bear alone. I've always been, "the grown up" even when I was a kid. I'm the serious one (yet I love to laugh, if that makes sense). I'm the responsible one (unless it comes to paying my bills on time). *grin* I put the happy mask on most of the time. This entry isn't turning out the way I wanted/thought it would. I guess this is my catharsis tonight. I wish I could make it all better. I wish I could see everyone in my life happy. I wish I could heal every one that is aching, that is hurting, that has been hurt. Why do you think I call you out of the blue sometimes? You should know who you are. You told me you read my journal almost every day. You are the one that sent me, "Dark Angel". Told me it reminded you of me. I cry every time I hear it. It's such a beautiful song. Thank you. Eventhough I don't know you, thank you. You know, what if I don't belong here? I don't think I do. I don't belong, "now". People like me, I think there aren't many of us. I think we get destroyed too easily. Everything in my life used to be so magickal. Once upon a time. It was worse, but better. The mood swings, the depression all the time, it was Hell. Every night I prayed not to wake up in the morning. When my sister died (4 yrs in 2 weeks), I cried so hard. Not just because of the loss. I cried because it wasn't me. She is the one that had the loving husband, the two wonderful children. It should have been me, then. Now I think that there must be a reason why I am still here. It's just so frustrating not knowing what the reason is. Point being that things were so magickal then. Not so much anymore. I guess these days I use my journal as my bitch and moan place. Oh, I found some poems that I had written a while back. I'm going to post one. They are kinda graphic. I was having religious issues back then. I think I saw Stigmata one too many times or something. :P
Your gift was my curse..
I wear your crown of thorns..
I let you nail me to your cross..
I allowed you to touch me in such intimate ways..
My soul...my sin..
My resurrection as your angel of darkness..
Kiss me once and breathe new life into me..
Kiss me again, and I am utterly yours..
From the brink of Heaven to the edge of Hell..
Take me into the night..
Love me under the envious moon...
In me, above me, below me...just enter me..
Forget about yesterday, don't think of tomorrow..
All I want is now..
EDR 06/20/00
------------------
Where were you when they were raping my soul?
Too little too late, and it will never be the same..
Just another fuck you said...just another game..
I kneel before my altar, offerings to appease my gods..
Light a candle, watch the flame dance before my eyes..
You were the one that came to me in my demise..
Whispers of desires that you refuse to give a name..
Staring in my past, wondering how it ever came to this.. Glimpsing into my future..
Wondering how it'll ever come to be..
EDR 06/20/00
-------
Ok, now that I've vented I am feeling so much better. Calmer. Happier again. Maybe that's why back then, years ago, I was so sad all the time. I never let it out. Now I know it's ok to vent, to cry, to write about it all. Before, I never could. I always have known and still know that I am a blessed woman in a lot of aspects. I have a couple of sisters that really love me. I have my pets. I have a roof over my head. I have food to eat, clothes to wear. Oh and I have a great job and a new car. Just need to catch up financially and I will be ok. I have weak moments, but I know I'm strong. A lesser person would have been broken already. Yet, here I stand. I am a good woman, I hope. I live my life the best I can. I just wish it was so much more. I just want the world to be happy. Billy says that it's unrealistic to think that. That the world is a horrible place. I know that. I just don't want any part of a world like that. I know I can't change it by myself. I just try so damn hard to see my loved ones happy. I'm fiercely protective. If I can get my life together a little bit more, then I can be where I used to be, but stronger. I KNOW I used to be able to heal people. I could take on their pain and it was fine. I was fine. I could make things better. It just got too be too much. It started to go downhill when I first failed Christopher (you know who I'm talking about Dee). God, I couldn't rescue him. I couldn't make it better. He wouldn't let me! Yet, to this day I blame myself. I should have done something. I should have told someone what he was going through. I was so young. I was so naive. I am so sorry that I didn't make it better for him. I loved him so much. I failed. Now there is Russ. I don't want to fail again. He is my friend. He's just so broken, I don't know where to begin. I usually come and cry after I see what he's going through. His Hell. I feel so helpless. I feel so much to blame. He blames himself for everything, much like me. For everything that goes wrong in this world. Just like me. He thinks he is the cause of all the evil. He thinks he belongs in Hell. He doesn't think God loves him. I don't understand, but I don't know why I don't understand because I have been there. Sometimes I am there. I used to think that if I left this world, the world would be saved, would be healed. I'm afraid that's what he thinks. He apologized for having been a "horrible husband" the other day. His words, not mine. He was NEVER horrible. We just weren't happy. How do I make him see that he's not the anti-christ? How do I fix it?? I know it's too much for me. How do I balance fixing my friend, working, living my life, having time to go out with my other friends, and saving the world? :P Wow..I've babbled a lot tonight. Those one or two people that read my journal will be happy to finally see a post. I guess it'll be at least another month before I write again. Heh. I may actually write again tomorrow. I don't know. We'll see how I feel on Wednesday about things. Thank you to those of you that do say silent prayers for me daily. I think there are one or two out there that do. You have no idea how much that means to me. G'night. Until I write again...
Almost going on a month since my last journal entry. To those of you that comment (Dee, I appreciate it so much), I apologize for not commenting more or replying to your comments. I just get into this great writing mood, and then I just get "bleh" about it all. Does that make sense? It's been a while since I've seen my counselor. Probably since July or so. I think I'm doing ok. I'm actually happy more days than not. I think that's the first time in my life that this has happened. The only thing that worries me is that when I get down I REALLY get down. I meant emotional wise, not like "boogie on down" :P Somehow I make it through. I take things one day at a time, when I feel sad. Well...Wednesday is two years that my mom died. Passed fast. Is it dumb to be upset with people? Like...there are a lot of people in my life, that I feel like if I didn't make the effort to get a hold of them they would just forget about me or not even try to find me. People that I talk to regularly, but never put the effort in. Right here, right now, I feel like just saying "fuck it all" and just disappearing. Just becoming a hermit and living by myself. Sometimes it gets to be too much to bear alone. I've always been, "the grown up" even when I was a kid. I'm the serious one (yet I love to laugh, if that makes sense). I'm the responsible one (unless it comes to paying my bills on time). *grin* I put the happy mask on most of the time. This entry isn't turning out the way I wanted/thought it would. I guess this is my catharsis tonight. I wish I could make it all better. I wish I could see everyone in my life happy. I wish I could heal every one that is aching, that is hurting, that has been hurt. Why do you think I call you out of the blue sometimes? You should know who you are. You told me you read my journal almost every day. You are the one that sent me, "Dark Angel". Told me it reminded you of me. I cry every time I hear it. It's such a beautiful song. Thank you. Eventhough I don't know you, thank you. You know, what if I don't belong here? I don't think I do. I don't belong, "now". People like me, I think there aren't many of us. I think we get destroyed too easily. Everything in my life used to be so magickal. Once upon a time. It was worse, but better. The mood swings, the depression all the time, it was Hell. Every night I prayed not to wake up in the morning. When my sister died (4 yrs in 2 weeks), I cried so hard. Not just because of the loss. I cried because it wasn't me. She is the one that had the loving husband, the two wonderful children. It should have been me, then. Now I think that there must be a reason why I am still here. It's just so frustrating not knowing what the reason is. Point being that things were so magickal then. Not so much anymore. I guess these days I use my journal as my bitch and moan place. Oh, I found some poems that I had written a while back. I'm going to post one. They are kinda graphic. I was having religious issues back then. I think I saw Stigmata one too many times or something. :P
Your gift was my curse..
I wear your crown of thorns..
I let you nail me to your cross..
I allowed you to touch me in such intimate ways..
My soul...my sin..
My resurrection as your angel of darkness..
Kiss me once and breathe new life into me..
Kiss me again, and I am utterly yours..
From the brink of Heaven to the edge of Hell..
Take me into the night..
Love me under the envious moon...
In me, above me, below me...just enter me..
Forget about yesterday, don't think of tomorrow..
All I want is now..
EDR 06/20/00
------------------
Where were you when they were raping my soul?
Too little too late, and it will never be the same..
Just another fuck you said...just another game..
I kneel before my altar, offerings to appease my gods..
Light a candle, watch the flame dance before my eyes..
You were the one that came to me in my demise..
Whispers of desires that you refuse to give a name..
Staring in my past, wondering how it ever came to this.. Glimpsing into my future..
Wondering how it'll ever come to be..
EDR 06/20/00
-------
Ok, now that I've vented I am feeling so much better. Calmer. Happier again. Maybe that's why back then, years ago, I was so sad all the time. I never let it out. Now I know it's ok to vent, to cry, to write about it all. Before, I never could. I always have known and still know that I am a blessed woman in a lot of aspects. I have a couple of sisters that really love me. I have my pets. I have a roof over my head. I have food to eat, clothes to wear. Oh and I have a great job and a new car. Just need to catch up financially and I will be ok. I have weak moments, but I know I'm strong. A lesser person would have been broken already. Yet, here I stand. I am a good woman, I hope. I live my life the best I can. I just wish it was so much more. I just want the world to be happy. Billy says that it's unrealistic to think that. That the world is a horrible place. I know that. I just don't want any part of a world like that. I know I can't change it by myself. I just try so damn hard to see my loved ones happy. I'm fiercely protective. If I can get my life together a little bit more, then I can be where I used to be, but stronger. I KNOW I used to be able to heal people. I could take on their pain and it was fine. I was fine. I could make things better. It just got too be too much. It started to go downhill when I first failed Christopher (you know who I'm talking about Dee). God, I couldn't rescue him. I couldn't make it better. He wouldn't let me! Yet, to this day I blame myself. I should have done something. I should have told someone what he was going through. I was so young. I was so naive. I am so sorry that I didn't make it better for him. I loved him so much. I failed. Now there is Russ. I don't want to fail again. He is my friend. He's just so broken, I don't know where to begin. I usually come and cry after I see what he's going through. His Hell. I feel so helpless. I feel so much to blame. He blames himself for everything, much like me. For everything that goes wrong in this world. Just like me. He thinks he is the cause of all the evil. He thinks he belongs in Hell. He doesn't think God loves him. I don't understand, but I don't know why I don't understand because I have been there. Sometimes I am there. I used to think that if I left this world, the world would be saved, would be healed. I'm afraid that's what he thinks. He apologized for having been a "horrible husband" the other day. His words, not mine. He was NEVER horrible. We just weren't happy. How do I make him see that he's not the anti-christ? How do I fix it?? I know it's too much for me. How do I balance fixing my friend, working, living my life, having time to go out with my other friends, and saving the world? :P Wow..I've babbled a lot tonight. Those one or two people that read my journal will be happy to finally see a post. I guess it'll be at least another month before I write again. Heh. I may actually write again tomorrow. I don't know. We'll see how I feel on Wednesday about things. Thank you to those of you that do say silent prayers for me daily. I think there are one or two out there that do. You have no idea how much that means to me. G'night. Until I write again...