Quibbler Fantastico
Title- Quibbler Fantastico
Author- Faythbrady
Genre- Humor
Rating- PG13
Shows- Buffy, Angel, Harry Potter, Supernatural, Torchwood, Labyrinth, Dollhouse, Merlin, Once upon a time, Firefly, Xmen, Doctor Who, Heroes.
Ships- Guess.
Summary- The Quibbler Online has a new problems page headed by none other than Miss Kitty Fantastico.
Quibbler Fantastico
Greetings and Salutations to all carbon based lifeforms and bipedal hominids. This is Miss Kitty Fantastico here, writing for the Quibbler newspaper. I was approached by a Mr Xenophilius Lovegood who, aside from being a stalwart believer in anything and everything including talking cats, honest politicians and Santa Claus, wanted to bring more of the love to the Lovegood magazine and especially their new online edition.
After Mr Weasley became Minister for Magic, the internet was opened up to the general wizarding populace with mixed results. For example; Hogwarts’ Homework Help was a wonderful site, Seamus’ Sexy Slytherins less so. (Lucius Malfoy’s lawsuit is still ongoing).
Anyway, with the Quibbler now available to everyone, Mr Lovegood decided to hire me, a well known matchmaker, to assess and address the problems of you human beings (because we all know you desperately need it). I have already received tons of mail, so I share with you my advice to the most interesting from this week’s pile.
(Email me at kitty-fantastico@quibbler.au.ww)
Although I will get this one out of the way first:
Dear Miss Kitty,
How are you typing when you have no thumbs?
Signed Curious.
Seriously? I’m a mystical talking cat who roomed with vampire-slaying lesbian witches and got two ridiculously hot people together and you’re asking me that?
No one asks Archy the Cockroach this question.
Dear Curious,
Claws.
Miss Kitty.
Honestly. Okay, now on to the really juicy ones.
Miss Kitty,
A friend of mine has this problem, not me. It’s definitely a friend. Okay so she has this crush on her boss and he’s gorgeous but for so long had, like, this major thing for his ex. I mean they were like the forbidden love of all time. But they couldn’t be together and then he like got over her or something and started flirting with me her.
Everything was going okay and then she kind of slept with his son after getting amnesia and almost dying. Anyway the problem is that he is always brooding and stuff and needs to lighten up. What should she do?
Signed,
Queen Higher Being
Dear Higher Being,
Yeah sure. Your ‘friend’ needs a reality check. Any guy that spends more time on brooding and self-flagellation than on you is not good dating material, any guy that is hung up on a never-could-be, never-was is not good dating material, and any guy that spends longer on his hair than you do is definitely not good dating material. Also, she slept with his son? How old is this guy? And it never ends well when you date your boss. My advice would be to trade in this poseur and go for someone younger, more fun and possibly with one eye.
Miss Kitty
Miss Kitty’s dating tip number 1- if he wears more gel than deodorant you’re gonna have a problem.
Miss Kitty,
My best friend is one of the most famous people on the planet and the girl that I have a crush in is more loyal to him than me even though we’re all best mates. I’m fed up of being second best to my brothers, to him, to pretty much everyone. What can I do to make her want me and to distinguish myself?
Gloomy Ginger
Gloomy Ginger
Sadly, sometimes we can’t make people want us. There was this one Tom who, no matter how much I sprayed, just did not want to go there. In the end I had to conclude that he just wasn’t interested and moved onto greener pastures (after shredding his collar and urinating all over his food tray). Bottom line? The girl probably isn’t interested and, rather than screwing up a perfectly good friendship, try going for a girl that is more your level. Look around- there is someone for everyone. As for distinguishing yourself, stop comparing yourself to your famous friend and find something that you are good at. I hear chess geeks are in this year.
Yours,
Miss Kitty.
Jealousy is no one’s friend and sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and realise that no matter what you do you will always be a weird little ginger man living with his mother.
Dear Miss Kitty,
My brother’s a dick. First he ruins my life by dragging me out of college and away from my girlfriend only to watch said girlfriend burn, and then he sacrifices his life for mine only to be mad when I try to do the same. Why can’t he just let me grow up and join the dark side if that’s what I want?
Signed,
Winchester Whiner.
Dear Winchester Whiner,
He’s hotter than you, get over it.
Miss Kitty.
Honesty is usually the best policy. Unless it gets you into trouble. Then lie your ass off.
Miss Kitty,
I shot my boss but he came back to life. Would this be a bad time to ask for a raise?
Signed
Cooper’s Conundrum
Cooper
Yes. Yes it would.
Miss Kitty.
Timing is everything. It’s usually best to wait before you ask a favour until the person you want the favour from is in a good mood. Or drunk. Or in a compromising position with a goat and a latex glove.
Which reminds me, always keep a camera handy for those little ‘golden’ moments.
Miss Kitty,
There is a girl who consumes my thoughts, my dreams and my every waking hour. I spend eons wandering the castle feeling her imprinted on every wall. I did everything she asked and was everything that she needed and she still destroyed me. I watch her sometimes from afar and yet she does not think of me, having grown too old for fairy tales. Despite this, she holds my heart in her hands and all she has to do is call and I will be her slave; through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered. She is my Queen in all but reality. What do I do?
Yours,
Cruel King
Cruel King,
My advice would be to leave well enough alone. The girl has already destroyed you once and people break that much harder the second time. I’d advise you to take up a hobby or maybe get a pet. Anything that stops you thinking about this girl is good. However if you are bound and determined to get her back, try gifts.
By the way ‘watching from afar’ is not romantic, as some (really bad) so-called authors write, but is called stalking and is frowned upon by society.
Call her, ask her out and be yourself and not who you think she’d want you to be.
Oh and clean your castle. Nothing says ‘anti-dating material’ like goblin slime.
Miss Kitty.
Stalking is not attractive, watching someone sleep is creepy and if you do happen to resemble a disco ball- go hide under a bridge.
Dear Miss Kitty
I am becoming concerned with what happens when I sleep. I often have strange dreams where I am different people and wake up feeling like I’m not quite right. My friends also say they have a similar feeling even though we try to be our best. I am very confused. I wish to help them but I keep falling asleep. I have to go for my treatment now.
Yours,
Blank Slate
Blank Slate
Try meditating. Or writing your name in the back of your clothes.
Everyone feels like they have something missing from their life. It’s usually alcohol. Whisky flavoured milk is nice. Try that.
Miss Kitty
Alcohol may not always be the answer, but it does help you forget the question.
Miss Kitty,
I think my servant is keeping secrets from me. He isn’t too bright and manages to mess up or be elsewhere when there is danger and yet I feel safer when he is around. He’s an incompetent oaf but also my best friend and I trust him with my life. How do I get him to tell me the truth?
Perplexed Pendragon
Pendragon
Stop burning people- it might help.
Also, open your eyes, Monarchs shouldn’t be that dim.
Miss Kitty
There is a tiny difference between obliviousness and ignorance. Learn the signs people!
Dear Miss Kitty,
I gave my son up for adoption years ago but he’s found me and dragged me back to his hometown. The only problem is he believes his town is populated by fairy tale characters who have forgotten who they are and he thinks his adoptive mother is the evil queen- she’s a bitch but I don’t think evil is the word I’d use. I don’t want to destroy his fantasy but it’s getting kind of crazy. What do I do?
Daughter of White
Daughter of White
I was given away as a kitten and it was only by chance that I happened on a rather cute lesbian couple who tried to raise me. Not everyone is that lucky and children mostly have good instincts. If he is truly worried about his adoptive parent then there must be more to it. Stick around, listen to your son and thank the Kitty gods that you have a second chance at being a mother.
Miss Kitty
Regrets can eat you alive and guilt can gnaw through even the hardiest chew toy. If you get a second chance at anything be it love or sale shoes- go for it.
Miss Kitty
If a girl is some kinda crazy mind-readin’ genius and you think she’s hot, does she already know it without you telling her? And if she ain’t said nothing does that mean she ain’t interested?
Hero of Canton
Hero of Canton,
No. Or maybe yes. I’m not entirely sure what you said but most girls want to be told that someone likes them. Out loud. Usually with flowers, chocolates, cake or whisky. Or, if she’s really special, weaponry. Gifts usually mean that there is less chance of her rejecting you. Or stabbing you in the chest.
Take your life in your hands, you might just be surprised.
Miss Kitty
(Miss Kitty accepts no liability for any actions resulting from the following of this advice. Victims Readers accept advice at their own risk)
Dear Miss Kitty,
I have been having somewhat inappropriate thoughts regarding the spawn of the devil. Well, actually he’s not quite the devil, rather, an elitist aristocrat with more hair than sense and a fanatical devotion to the Dark Lord. His son is just as arrogant, annoying and condescending and yet I can’t seem to get the little ferret out of my head and, frankly, it’s playing havoc with my grades. I have tried various methods to eradicate him from my consciousness but nothing seems to work and I am at breaking point. I am torn as to whether I want to kick him or kiss him and I am starting to worry over my sanity.
Please help.
With regards,
Smartest Witch.
Smartest Witch,
Boys are always hotter when it’s forbidden and none are hotter than bad boys. You seem to be a smart girl (although smartest is up for debate) and probably used to leading with your head and ignoring any other urges that might come your way. So, for once, I say screw logic. Jump him and show him that your smarts are not only limited to books. Rock his world and leave lion-like scratches on his heart. Kicking him isn’t the way to go... unless he’s into that sort of thing; in which case; you lucky thing!
Miss Kitty
Every girl loves a bad boy, every girl wants to be the one to tame him or the one thing that he can’t live without, but beware: if a guy is mean, odds are he’ll be mean to you. Check to make sure he’s worth it before you give your heart.
Miss Kitty,
Girl snuck a ride in my trailer. She was way too young and had a crush on me so I let her down easy. Six years and a bad judgement call with a redhead later and my little runaway has grown into a smoking hot, sassy southern belle with attitude and curves that just don’t quit. She lies on my bed with me drinking beer and watching hockey like she doesn’t know I’m a guy. How do I get out of the friendzone and into her body suit?
Frustrated claws.
Frustrated Claws
Oooh! Friendzoned! Subtle won’t cut it here, my friend. The only way out of the ‘zone is to be sheer bloody-minded and go for it. Wait until you’re on your bed watching hockey and pin her to the bed. Kiss the living daylights out of her until she realizes that you are a man (within reason: remember No means No). But be prepared for her to freak out or reject you. It will alter your friendship but the risk will be worth it.
Miss Kitty
Friendzones are hard to get out of. The only way out is through brains, balls and, often booze. Subtlety is wasted as everything can be interpreted another way. Tell her straight out- I love you, I want you; please can we get naked together and make barnyard noises. Of course if she calls the police it serves you right for being perverted.
Miss Kitty,
I have a rather complicated relationship with a woman much younger than me. I found her at a time that I had lost everything and she became a travelling companion who kept me going when I was at my lowest ebb. She was by my side through everything and, no matter what I did, she never left me. I threw old loves, both hers and mine, at her and flirted with everyone I could. I even tried to make her leave, but she came back to me again and again. Recently I abandoned her in a different country and told her I could never see her again but I find myself missing her at every turn and looking for her wherever I am. I never even got to tell her how I feel. What do I do?
Two hearts broken
Two Hearts,
You are a ponce. A complete ass-hat, scum-sucking dweeb who doesn’t deserve the love of someone that great. If you have continually pushed her away then you deserve to have your entrails ripped out and your hearts jumped on with Doc Martens until they are shattered pieces which should then be fed to the BigBlatter beast of Troll.
That said, if she kept coming back to you she obviously loves you and so man up, stop being a bloody tosser and go get the girl. Rip open reality if you have to. Just don’t make her grow old alone.
Idiot.
Miss Kitty.
Some people need more than a kick up the pants. They need fireworks up their ass.
Miss Kitty,
I love a woman who will always be a girl. Her pretty blonde locks will never grey with age and her peach complexion will never pale with death’s dim palette. We are one and we have shared so much more than blood. I have been inside her head, her brain open to my eyes and I have feasted on her pain. We will be together for eternity and as the sun begins to darken and the ice creeps into the world we shall stand by and watch as the Earth dies. She is my eternal cheerleader and I am her darkest nightmare. Her blood coats my hands and her heart quickens beneath my fingers. We will be gods, if only she will stop running from me. How do I make love stay?
Grey Watch
Grey Watch,
...
...
Get help.
Seriously.
Miss Kitty.
And that is all we have time for. I have to go file a restraining order and maybe call some people about sectioning. Until next time, remember to be good.
Or don’t get caught.
Miss Kitty Fantastico.
Author- Faythbrady
Genre- Humor
Rating- PG13
Shows- Buffy, Angel, Harry Potter, Supernatural, Torchwood, Labyrinth, Dollhouse, Merlin, Once upon a time, Firefly, Xmen, Doctor Who, Heroes.
Ships- Guess.
Summary- The Quibbler Online has a new problems page headed by none other than Miss Kitty Fantastico.
Quibbler Fantastico
Greetings and Salutations to all carbon based lifeforms and bipedal hominids. This is Miss Kitty Fantastico here, writing for the Quibbler newspaper. I was approached by a Mr Xenophilius Lovegood who, aside from being a stalwart believer in anything and everything including talking cats, honest politicians and Santa Claus, wanted to bring more of the love to the Lovegood magazine and especially their new online edition.
After Mr Weasley became Minister for Magic, the internet was opened up to the general wizarding populace with mixed results. For example; Hogwarts’ Homework Help was a wonderful site, Seamus’ Sexy Slytherins less so. (Lucius Malfoy’s lawsuit is still ongoing).
Anyway, with the Quibbler now available to everyone, Mr Lovegood decided to hire me, a well known matchmaker, to assess and address the problems of you human beings (because we all know you desperately need it). I have already received tons of mail, so I share with you my advice to the most interesting from this week’s pile.
(Email me at kitty-fantastico@quibbler.au.ww)
Although I will get this one out of the way first:
Dear Miss Kitty,
How are you typing when you have no thumbs?
Signed Curious.
Seriously? I’m a mystical talking cat who roomed with vampire-slaying lesbian witches and got two ridiculously hot people together and you’re asking me that?
No one asks Archy the Cockroach this question.
Dear Curious,
Claws.
Miss Kitty.
Honestly. Okay, now on to the really juicy ones.
Miss Kitty,
A friend of mine has this problem, not me. It’s definitely a friend. Okay so she has this crush on her boss and he’s gorgeous but for so long had, like, this major thing for his ex. I mean they were like the forbidden love of all time. But they couldn’t be together and then he like got over her or something and started flirting with me her.
Everything was going okay and then she kind of slept with his son after getting amnesia and almost dying. Anyway the problem is that he is always brooding and stuff and needs to lighten up. What should she do?
Signed,
Queen Higher Being
Dear Higher Being,
Yeah sure. Your ‘friend’ needs a reality check. Any guy that spends more time on brooding and self-flagellation than on you is not good dating material, any guy that is hung up on a never-could-be, never-was is not good dating material, and any guy that spends longer on his hair than you do is definitely not good dating material. Also, she slept with his son? How old is this guy? And it never ends well when you date your boss. My advice would be to trade in this poseur and go for someone younger, more fun and possibly with one eye.
Miss Kitty
Miss Kitty’s dating tip number 1- if he wears more gel than deodorant you’re gonna have a problem.
Miss Kitty,
My best friend is one of the most famous people on the planet and the girl that I have a crush in is more loyal to him than me even though we’re all best mates. I’m fed up of being second best to my brothers, to him, to pretty much everyone. What can I do to make her want me and to distinguish myself?
Gloomy Ginger
Gloomy Ginger
Sadly, sometimes we can’t make people want us. There was this one Tom who, no matter how much I sprayed, just did not want to go there. In the end I had to conclude that he just wasn’t interested and moved onto greener pastures (after shredding his collar and urinating all over his food tray). Bottom line? The girl probably isn’t interested and, rather than screwing up a perfectly good friendship, try going for a girl that is more your level. Look around- there is someone for everyone. As for distinguishing yourself, stop comparing yourself to your famous friend and find something that you are good at. I hear chess geeks are in this year.
Yours,
Miss Kitty.
Jealousy is no one’s friend and sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and realise that no matter what you do you will always be a weird little ginger man living with his mother.
Dear Miss Kitty,
My brother’s a dick. First he ruins my life by dragging me out of college and away from my girlfriend only to watch said girlfriend burn, and then he sacrifices his life for mine only to be mad when I try to do the same. Why can’t he just let me grow up and join the dark side if that’s what I want?
Signed,
Winchester Whiner.
Dear Winchester Whiner,
He’s hotter than you, get over it.
Miss Kitty.
Honesty is usually the best policy. Unless it gets you into trouble. Then lie your ass off.
Miss Kitty,
I shot my boss but he came back to life. Would this be a bad time to ask for a raise?
Signed
Cooper’s Conundrum
Cooper
Yes. Yes it would.
Miss Kitty.
Timing is everything. It’s usually best to wait before you ask a favour until the person you want the favour from is in a good mood. Or drunk. Or in a compromising position with a goat and a latex glove.
Which reminds me, always keep a camera handy for those little ‘golden’ moments.
Miss Kitty,
There is a girl who consumes my thoughts, my dreams and my every waking hour. I spend eons wandering the castle feeling her imprinted on every wall. I did everything she asked and was everything that she needed and she still destroyed me. I watch her sometimes from afar and yet she does not think of me, having grown too old for fairy tales. Despite this, she holds my heart in her hands and all she has to do is call and I will be her slave; through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered. She is my Queen in all but reality. What do I do?
Yours,
Cruel King
Cruel King,
My advice would be to leave well enough alone. The girl has already destroyed you once and people break that much harder the second time. I’d advise you to take up a hobby or maybe get a pet. Anything that stops you thinking about this girl is good. However if you are bound and determined to get her back, try gifts.
By the way ‘watching from afar’ is not romantic, as some (really bad) so-called authors write, but is called stalking and is frowned upon by society.
Call her, ask her out and be yourself and not who you think she’d want you to be.
Oh and clean your castle. Nothing says ‘anti-dating material’ like goblin slime.
Miss Kitty.
Stalking is not attractive, watching someone sleep is creepy and if you do happen to resemble a disco ball- go hide under a bridge.
Dear Miss Kitty
I am becoming concerned with what happens when I sleep. I often have strange dreams where I am different people and wake up feeling like I’m not quite right. My friends also say they have a similar feeling even though we try to be our best. I am very confused. I wish to help them but I keep falling asleep. I have to go for my treatment now.
Yours,
Blank Slate
Blank Slate
Try meditating. Or writing your name in the back of your clothes.
Everyone feels like they have something missing from their life. It’s usually alcohol. Whisky flavoured milk is nice. Try that.
Miss Kitty
Alcohol may not always be the answer, but it does help you forget the question.
Miss Kitty,
I think my servant is keeping secrets from me. He isn’t too bright and manages to mess up or be elsewhere when there is danger and yet I feel safer when he is around. He’s an incompetent oaf but also my best friend and I trust him with my life. How do I get him to tell me the truth?
Perplexed Pendragon
Pendragon
Stop burning people- it might help.
Also, open your eyes, Monarchs shouldn’t be that dim.
Miss Kitty
There is a tiny difference between obliviousness and ignorance. Learn the signs people!
Dear Miss Kitty,
I gave my son up for adoption years ago but he’s found me and dragged me back to his hometown. The only problem is he believes his town is populated by fairy tale characters who have forgotten who they are and he thinks his adoptive mother is the evil queen- she’s a bitch but I don’t think evil is the word I’d use. I don’t want to destroy his fantasy but it’s getting kind of crazy. What do I do?
Daughter of White
Daughter of White
I was given away as a kitten and it was only by chance that I happened on a rather cute lesbian couple who tried to raise me. Not everyone is that lucky and children mostly have good instincts. If he is truly worried about his adoptive parent then there must be more to it. Stick around, listen to your son and thank the Kitty gods that you have a second chance at being a mother.
Miss Kitty
Regrets can eat you alive and guilt can gnaw through even the hardiest chew toy. If you get a second chance at anything be it love or sale shoes- go for it.
Miss Kitty
If a girl is some kinda crazy mind-readin’ genius and you think she’s hot, does she already know it without you telling her? And if she ain’t said nothing does that mean she ain’t interested?
Hero of Canton
Hero of Canton,
No. Or maybe yes. I’m not entirely sure what you said but most girls want to be told that someone likes them. Out loud. Usually with flowers, chocolates, cake or whisky. Or, if she’s really special, weaponry. Gifts usually mean that there is less chance of her rejecting you. Or stabbing you in the chest.
Take your life in your hands, you might just be surprised.
Miss Kitty
(Miss Kitty accepts no liability for any actions resulting from the following of this advice. Victims Readers accept advice at their own risk)
Dear Miss Kitty,
I have been having somewhat inappropriate thoughts regarding the spawn of the devil. Well, actually he’s not quite the devil, rather, an elitist aristocrat with more hair than sense and a fanatical devotion to the Dark Lord. His son is just as arrogant, annoying and condescending and yet I can’t seem to get the little ferret out of my head and, frankly, it’s playing havoc with my grades. I have tried various methods to eradicate him from my consciousness but nothing seems to work and I am at breaking point. I am torn as to whether I want to kick him or kiss him and I am starting to worry over my sanity.
Please help.
With regards,
Smartest Witch.
Smartest Witch,
Boys are always hotter when it’s forbidden and none are hotter than bad boys. You seem to be a smart girl (although smartest is up for debate) and probably used to leading with your head and ignoring any other urges that might come your way. So, for once, I say screw logic. Jump him and show him that your smarts are not only limited to books. Rock his world and leave lion-like scratches on his heart. Kicking him isn’t the way to go... unless he’s into that sort of thing; in which case; you lucky thing!
Miss Kitty
Every girl loves a bad boy, every girl wants to be the one to tame him or the one thing that he can’t live without, but beware: if a guy is mean, odds are he’ll be mean to you. Check to make sure he’s worth it before you give your heart.
Miss Kitty,
Girl snuck a ride in my trailer. She was way too young and had a crush on me so I let her down easy. Six years and a bad judgement call with a redhead later and my little runaway has grown into a smoking hot, sassy southern belle with attitude and curves that just don’t quit. She lies on my bed with me drinking beer and watching hockey like she doesn’t know I’m a guy. How do I get out of the friendzone and into her body suit?
Frustrated claws.
Frustrated Claws
Oooh! Friendzoned! Subtle won’t cut it here, my friend. The only way out of the ‘zone is to be sheer bloody-minded and go for it. Wait until you’re on your bed watching hockey and pin her to the bed. Kiss the living daylights out of her until she realizes that you are a man (within reason: remember No means No). But be prepared for her to freak out or reject you. It will alter your friendship but the risk will be worth it.
Miss Kitty
Friendzones are hard to get out of. The only way out is through brains, balls and, often booze. Subtlety is wasted as everything can be interpreted another way. Tell her straight out- I love you, I want you; please can we get naked together and make barnyard noises. Of course if she calls the police it serves you right for being perverted.
Miss Kitty,
I have a rather complicated relationship with a woman much younger than me. I found her at a time that I had lost everything and she became a travelling companion who kept me going when I was at my lowest ebb. She was by my side through everything and, no matter what I did, she never left me. I threw old loves, both hers and mine, at her and flirted with everyone I could. I even tried to make her leave, but she came back to me again and again. Recently I abandoned her in a different country and told her I could never see her again but I find myself missing her at every turn and looking for her wherever I am. I never even got to tell her how I feel. What do I do?
Two hearts broken
Two Hearts,
You are a ponce. A complete ass-hat, scum-sucking dweeb who doesn’t deserve the love of someone that great. If you have continually pushed her away then you deserve to have your entrails ripped out and your hearts jumped on with Doc Martens until they are shattered pieces which should then be fed to the BigBlatter beast of Troll.
That said, if she kept coming back to you she obviously loves you and so man up, stop being a bloody tosser and go get the girl. Rip open reality if you have to. Just don’t make her grow old alone.
Idiot.
Miss Kitty.
Some people need more than a kick up the pants. They need fireworks up their ass.
Miss Kitty,
I love a woman who will always be a girl. Her pretty blonde locks will never grey with age and her peach complexion will never pale with death’s dim palette. We are one and we have shared so much more than blood. I have been inside her head, her brain open to my eyes and I have feasted on her pain. We will be together for eternity and as the sun begins to darken and the ice creeps into the world we shall stand by and watch as the Earth dies. She is my eternal cheerleader and I am her darkest nightmare. Her blood coats my hands and her heart quickens beneath my fingers. We will be gods, if only she will stop running from me. How do I make love stay?
Grey Watch
Grey Watch,
...
...
Get help.
Seriously.
Miss Kitty.
And that is all we have time for. I have to go file a restraining order and maybe call some people about sectioning. Until next time, remember to be good.
Or don’t get caught.
Miss Kitty Fantastico.