movin on out
i am a complete mess i am trying to figure which way is up but i just keep going down. i feel like i am shattered. it hurts like fucking hell and i can't get a grip. i feel like i did when i was four and i was falling off the merry-go-round at that campground in maine. i was afraid of letting go but all that hanging on resulted in was scraped knees that hurt for what seemed like forever. i just made an appointment at seatle counseling center so i can at least get the ball rolling on couples counseling. if he is even still interested in going with me..i don't know he won't talk to me..even about the everyday mundane shit. nothing is actually going to happen until late august for me and then whenever for andrew..whenever he is ready. i really don't want to push him..but this is fucking me up! damn it! it cannot end this way i refuse! i don't know how much more of this seperation i can take, and i know i have to take it..not like i have a choice, but my god i am falling apart!!! everyone keeps saying how great i am doing..i am not doing great i am far from great about as far away from great as i can possibly be! i can't stop crying..and i am not talking a little bit of weeping i am talking full blown sobbing. i feel like my head is going to explode and my heart already did explode. i searched for him my whole life and didn't even know it. he is the only person for me. i cannot do this!!! it hurts so fucking much!! i don't think i can hang on much longer. no that's an exageration i can hang on but my knees are scraping and it hurts like fucking hell! and damn it its porbably going to scar too.