issues.
had a breakdown on wednesday during which i dashed off an email to shannon. she wrote me this long email back that was full of support, love and encouragement. i'm pretty sure i mentioned this in a past post, but one of the things i wanted to focus on this year is confronting all of my demons. a few weeks ago i realized that's going to take way more than a year. there are fears that i have to identify and then admit to other people. there are people in my ancient history that have fucked me over, big time, and i have to face up to the fact that those things still hurt or make me angry. then i probably have to tell people about that stuff too.
In many ways I have been waiting for this e-mail since I met you, because the dual nature of your personality makes this conflict inevitable. Yes, you are someone that values her own time and wants freedom to follow her own passions, but you are also someone who loves people and is genuinely fascinated by the human experience. You are not you without your desire to get involved with the people you meet. Really invovled. But that coupled with a fear of being hurt, betrayed, means that the soft underbelly is the last to be seen.
i grew up in a horrorshow, okay? it was really, really bad and no matter what i tried to do to get away from it, things just got worse. there was a period of about a year after i moved in with my dad and stepmother where everything was looking up but then my kid brother moved in and life got about as dark and mean as life can get. i mention this to illustrate the fact that i've been building up my defense for a long time. there's really only one and it's what most people call "the wall." if i don't know you or if you've shown me you're a person that can't be taken at your word, you're on the outside looking in. i can demonstrate love and compassion for you, but you'll never get into what really makes me tick, my secrets or my dreams. i've been this way for so long i don't know how to be any different.
Smart people that get hurt young get tough in a hurry. But that doesn't mean we don't have that same desire for closeness....we were just never taught how to express it.
anyway, i got another email from a friend today that described me as "vile" and "verbally abusive," but didn't really give me any more to go on. while many of my friendships have grown tighter in the last year, these were the reasons given for this one falling apart. i felt unsteady and wondered if this has been a common perception or if it's just this isolated catastrophy our relationship has become. i left an open invitation to talk about it and at this point that's the extent of what i'm willing to do. i don't think i can afford to put my own process on hold to try and mine the wreckage that was only brought to light after i flipped all my cards and asked "what's really going on here?"
this post has no ending.
In many ways I have been waiting for this e-mail since I met you, because the dual nature of your personality makes this conflict inevitable. Yes, you are someone that values her own time and wants freedom to follow her own passions, but you are also someone who loves people and is genuinely fascinated by the human experience. You are not you without your desire to get involved with the people you meet. Really invovled. But that coupled with a fear of being hurt, betrayed, means that the soft underbelly is the last to be seen.
i grew up in a horrorshow, okay? it was really, really bad and no matter what i tried to do to get away from it, things just got worse. there was a period of about a year after i moved in with my dad and stepmother where everything was looking up but then my kid brother moved in and life got about as dark and mean as life can get. i mention this to illustrate the fact that i've been building up my defense for a long time. there's really only one and it's what most people call "the wall." if i don't know you or if you've shown me you're a person that can't be taken at your word, you're on the outside looking in. i can demonstrate love and compassion for you, but you'll never get into what really makes me tick, my secrets or my dreams. i've been this way for so long i don't know how to be any different.
Smart people that get hurt young get tough in a hurry. But that doesn't mean we don't have that same desire for closeness....we were just never taught how to express it.
anyway, i got another email from a friend today that described me as "vile" and "verbally abusive," but didn't really give me any more to go on. while many of my friendships have grown tighter in the last year, these were the reasons given for this one falling apart. i felt unsteady and wondered if this has been a common perception or if it's just this isolated catastrophy our relationship has become. i left an open invitation to talk about it and at this point that's the extent of what i'm willing to do. i don't think i can afford to put my own process on hold to try and mine the wreckage that was only brought to light after i flipped all my cards and asked "what's really going on here?"
this post has no ending.