Am I grumpy? Depressed? Ill?
I don't know. But I'm setting myself up for another weekend where I randomly cry Saturday night and that isn't at all cool in my books. I am SICK to death of how much I've been crying this semester. It's chronic now. I won't even be doing anything and well, here, why don't you fucking cry some more, Heather. You totally need to do that. You totally haven't done it about 50 times already in the last two months. You should rectify that.
And part of me knows why. I have basically set myself up for real world failure. I dropped out of student teaching because public speaking gives me severe anxiety issues. I haven't regretted doing anything more stupid ever in my life, except changing my major to secondary education in the first place. This was my dream since I was six fucking years old and because I get anxiety over only one minor part of the teaching package, I quit.
Now, I'm fucking myself over in more minor ways.
And so I cry.
I kind of absolutely hate myself in ways I've never really considered. Like, deep down hatred of my flawed personality. I lie. Constantly. To people I shouldn't, like say my counselor and my adviser. I lied yesterday saying I was sick when in fact I woke up feeling more alert on a placement day than I ever had before, I just wanted a few more hours of sleep.
Oh, and there's another problem.
I SLEEP TWELVE HOURS MOST NIGHTS.
TWELVE FUCKING HOURS. I woke up at 1:20 this afternoon after falling asleep at two last night. I skipped an entire club event, that I had set my alarm to get up for, simply because I didn't want to get out of bed and do anything.
I'm lazy.
I'm a liar.
I'm not creative.
I hate my body.
I'm self-defeating/self-sabotaging moron.
And I don't tell anyone important these feelings because what the fuck can any of them do about it other than try and tell me to "work past it".
I can't work past the fact that I've quit every job I've ever held.
I can't work past the fact that I can only think of one professor I can ask for a recommendation from.
I can't work past the fact that I have no fucking clue what I'm supposed to do after college when I know any job I take, I'll quit because I have absolutely no staying power, or will get fired because I make up fake illnesses so I can lay in bed all day.
This post has been brought to you by these thoughts:
1) I missed placement yesterday, for no reason, other than I'm fucked up in the head.
2) I missed Super Science Saturday this morning, something I could have used the pictures for, something I could have used on a resume, because I'm fucked up in the head.
3) This weekend is Jr/Sr (think prom for college students) and I'm not going. Why? Because I pretended I didn't have the money, because I am fucked in the head and because I'm completely addicted to my computer, which, no one is ever around on the weekends to talk to me over, because most people have lives, or course work they could be doing instead.
This entry was originally posted at http://faynia.dreamwidth.org/284389.html. Please comment there using OpenID. (comments:
)
And part of me knows why. I have basically set myself up for real world failure. I dropped out of student teaching because public speaking gives me severe anxiety issues. I haven't regretted doing anything more stupid ever in my life, except changing my major to secondary education in the first place. This was my dream since I was six fucking years old and because I get anxiety over only one minor part of the teaching package, I quit.
Now, I'm fucking myself over in more minor ways.
And so I cry.
I kind of absolutely hate myself in ways I've never really considered. Like, deep down hatred of my flawed personality. I lie. Constantly. To people I shouldn't, like say my counselor and my adviser. I lied yesterday saying I was sick when in fact I woke up feeling more alert on a placement day than I ever had before, I just wanted a few more hours of sleep.
Oh, and there's another problem.
I SLEEP TWELVE HOURS MOST NIGHTS.
TWELVE FUCKING HOURS. I woke up at 1:20 this afternoon after falling asleep at two last night. I skipped an entire club event, that I had set my alarm to get up for, simply because I didn't want to get out of bed and do anything.
I'm lazy.
I'm a liar.
I'm not creative.
I hate my body.
I'm self-defeating/self-sabotaging moron.
And I don't tell anyone important these feelings because what the fuck can any of them do about it other than try and tell me to "work past it".
I can't work past the fact that I've quit every job I've ever held.
I can't work past the fact that I can only think of one professor I can ask for a recommendation from.
I can't work past the fact that I have no fucking clue what I'm supposed to do after college when I know any job I take, I'll quit because I have absolutely no staying power, or will get fired because I make up fake illnesses so I can lay in bed all day.
This post has been brought to you by these thoughts:
1) I missed placement yesterday, for no reason, other than I'm fucked up in the head.
2) I missed Super Science Saturday this morning, something I could have used the pictures for, something I could have used on a resume, because I'm fucked up in the head.
3) This weekend is Jr/Sr (think prom for college students) and I'm not going. Why? Because I pretended I didn't have the money, because I am fucked in the head and because I'm completely addicted to my computer, which, no one is ever around on the weekends to talk to me over, because most people have lives, or course work they could be doing instead.
This entry was originally posted at http://faynia.dreamwidth.org/284389.html. Please comment there using OpenID. (comments:
)