i've come to another realization today...
i'm never going to get over the fact that i want him back. i'm always going to miss him. i'm always going to love him. no matter what. BUT. i'm going to stop trying. and i am going to stop dwelling on it. spending all of my time wondering "when?". because its not doing me any good. its not doing him any good. i have other things in my life that are more important right now. like, my car. my education. and my career plans. i cant sit around here forever just waiting to get back together with him. so i've decided this: i'm going to call him and tell him all of this (since he's at his mom's and can't get online to read it.), then i'm just going to let him decide whether or not he wants to come back and chill. i'm going to let him know that he is welcome to come back anytime...no strings attached. i'm not going to sit here and whine about it all of the time. i'm not going to bother him, or anyone else for that matter, about it anymore. they say that it isnt good to keep things locked inside of you, but thats just the way this has to be. there's no way i can just make myself get over him. i thought it would be easier than it is. so i'm just going to drop it. way down inside of me. and get on with my life. every time i would ask him if we were going to get back together, he would say something like, "maybe in the future, but not any time soon." so, if that is still true, and if he changes his mind in the future, then all he has to do is say something to me. because my feelings arent going to change. but they are going to be hidden from everyone. i'm tired of being depressed all of the time. i'm tired of having my whole world revolve around one guy. i should be out having fun with kristen and all of my other friends. him included. i should be able to hang out with him as friends. like we are. instead of ex-boyfriend and ex-girlfriend. like i treat our relationship. because, until now...that's all i saw him as. my ex-boyfriend. who i want back desperately. but, now, i can finally see him as my friend. my very close friend. i've told him this before, but i've never been this close to any of my boyfriends before. maybe that's why its so hard to get over him. i told him last night that i dont want him to be another one of my ex's that i dont talk to or see anymore. i want to still be friends with him. and i want to hang out with him. and, now i'm able to do that...without being depressed. i guess it just took a lot of thinking and a lot of sleep to come to this decision. but i'm here. it took long enough, but i'm finally here. and i'm glad to be where i'm at right now. ya know...except for the whole broken car deal. blah.
♥ Jessica
♥ Jessica