I look at clouds from both sides now
Amusingly, I haven't written jackcrap in over a year, yet I sneak on to check my friends page regularly.
I wish I could say that a lot has changed, that I am an ounce the wiser-- I wish that I could write all the stories of the past year in one long, entertaining entry. But no, if anything, I have grown cynical, which I hate about myself... although routinely yet accused of being too chipper or idealistic, I roll my eyes at most things now. Otherwise things continue along their tracks, blending in my memories, all the same experience on repeat. I truly believe that every year just gets harder and worse, and harder and worse for all the hard "badness" I carry from its predecessors. But still, life goes on and I know better than to not live in the present! And so, to conclude the ultimate vague paragraph, among the overwhelming beaten-down-ness, I am happy.
So in the grandest sense of things having changed, I am no longer attached at the hip to the one person who was holding me back-- and in having experienced the most thrilling, wild year of 21 so far, realize that I still haven't moved forward. While I love being single (June 1 will be my first anniversary!), I dislike not having anyone to blame misery on anymore (...grinning slyly, I wrote that).
Best things:
--discovering Sparks caffeinated malt beverage
--discovering party-type friends who introduced me to the world of bars and dancing in public
--discovering just how much I love those who were absent from me for specific lengths of time
--confirming how dedicated I am to my field of study
--mackin' it, and getting macked-to
--my own apartment!
--CAT!
--learning to ski
Worst things:
--cat breaking his leg
----paying money to have cat's leg fixed
------not having first car yet
--being so far from Gaja and Inga, Montauk, and other Lithuanian loves
--Kovas dying
----Aistis and Gaja hurting SO MUCH
Important, neither good nor bad
--reduced performance academically
--single, still chased by Ken
--sister goes to school
----I realize she has a hard time at life
--hatred fueling my worldview and actions
----acknowledgment of said hatred fueling a desire to emit love
--heartbreaks, multiple... K:lame, E:intense and awful/debilitating, A:intense but incomplete, R:not real, disappointing
I wish I could say that a lot has changed, that I am an ounce the wiser-- I wish that I could write all the stories of the past year in one long, entertaining entry. But no, if anything, I have grown cynical, which I hate about myself... although routinely yet accused of being too chipper or idealistic, I roll my eyes at most things now. Otherwise things continue along their tracks, blending in my memories, all the same experience on repeat. I truly believe that every year just gets harder and worse, and harder and worse for all the hard "badness" I carry from its predecessors. But still, life goes on and I know better than to not live in the present! And so, to conclude the ultimate vague paragraph, among the overwhelming beaten-down-ness, I am happy.
So in the grandest sense of things having changed, I am no longer attached at the hip to the one person who was holding me back-- and in having experienced the most thrilling, wild year of 21 so far, realize that I still haven't moved forward. While I love being single (June 1 will be my first anniversary!), I dislike not having anyone to blame misery on anymore (...grinning slyly, I wrote that).
Best things:
--discovering Sparks caffeinated malt beverage
--discovering party-type friends who introduced me to the world of bars and dancing in public
--discovering just how much I love those who were absent from me for specific lengths of time
--confirming how dedicated I am to my field of study
--mackin' it, and getting macked-to
--my own apartment!
--CAT!
--learning to ski
Worst things:
--cat breaking his leg
----paying money to have cat's leg fixed
------not having first car yet
--being so far from Gaja and Inga, Montauk, and other Lithuanian loves
--Kovas dying
----Aistis and Gaja hurting SO MUCH
Important, neither good nor bad
--reduced performance academically
--single, still chased by Ken
--sister goes to school
----I realize she has a hard time at life
--hatred fueling my worldview and actions
----acknowledgment of said hatred fueling a desire to emit love
--heartbreaks, multiple... K:lame, E:intense and awful/debilitating, A:intense but incomplete, R:not real, disappointing