(no subject)
Part of my obsession with babies is that caring for little ones makes me feel capable, and proud of myself.
Part of my obsession with babies has to do with Melissa, Ken's sister, and the wave of emotions that surrounded our meeting. It's one of those things that I can't really explain and that there seems to be no reason for...
The first time I met her, she was three months pregnant and we had no idea. I found out a few days after getting back to Binghamton, and spent two weeks crying about it. That girl who I had just met was hiding a secret, was dealing with some incredibly heavy stuff all on her own, and it made me so sad for her that she was in that situation. Also, because her life had pretty much been a wreck before, I wondered if she would be OK with handling it all.
When I met her a second time, it was at her baby shower and she was HUGE. A tiny girl with a big old belly! The shower made me cry, and all that ran through my head were the thoughts that it takes a village to raise a child, and that everyone in the room was anxiously waiting for the birth of a little person. She was inside Melissa's belly and there we were, all excited and grown up, and waiting for a little baby that would somehow influence all our lives. It was a beautiful day and a fun shower and I just cried and cried because I was so amazed.
The third time, the baby had just been born and Ken and I went straight to the hospital. Melissa was exhausted; little Lillia Michele was... little. Holding the newborn was surreal, and the next few days felt the same way. This creature bundled in my arms was INSIDE Melissa's belly until the night before! Melissa seemed like she had no idea what to do, like she didn't even care about her. It was as though she had written a book and everyone had come to the reading and bought a copy. It was Melissa's, but it was more for everyone else.
We watched that baby for four days. None of us could keep our hands off her. Her facial expressions while she slept seemed the most entertaining thing in the world; changing her diaper was pleasurable and she stopped caring about camera flashes after the first hour. Everyone's parenting instincts kicked in, and Melissa barely had any time with her. She hated breastfeeding and couldn't fathom that the baby was hers, that the baby was alive. She seemed very detached.
Reading Melissa's blog throughout the course of the pregnancy offered me insights to her life that I shouldn't have known about. I knew how the father had tormented her, how she felt so alone, how exasperated she was for the last month... and also how incredibly excited and amazed she was by her daughter. I wasn't worried about Lillia and Melissa; I wanted to be them.
And I wanted so badly to be involved in their life. I wanted to reach out to Melissa, but wouldn't that be weird since we had only met three times? I wanted to help raise Lillia, but I'm beginning to not be able to even stand her uncle and the prospect of having to forget her is becoming very real. I feel so tied to their family, to every awesome member except Ken. And I am absolutely in love with the baby. The song, "When a Child is Born" resonates through my skull as I think about her.
So what is it about her? Is it the fact that her birth changed Melissa's life for the better, and probably everyone else's? It's the dumbest thing ever. The baby cannot DO anything; we have no idea of what her personality is; we have no expectations of her and yet we are all humbled by her presence and would do anything to serve her needs. All I know is that I'm falling apart at the seams and my entire life is spiraling into weepy territory. I am obsessed.
Part of my obsession with babies has to do with Melissa, Ken's sister, and the wave of emotions that surrounded our meeting. It's one of those things that I can't really explain and that there seems to be no reason for...
The first time I met her, she was three months pregnant and we had no idea. I found out a few days after getting back to Binghamton, and spent two weeks crying about it. That girl who I had just met was hiding a secret, was dealing with some incredibly heavy stuff all on her own, and it made me so sad for her that she was in that situation. Also, because her life had pretty much been a wreck before, I wondered if she would be OK with handling it all.
When I met her a second time, it was at her baby shower and she was HUGE. A tiny girl with a big old belly! The shower made me cry, and all that ran through my head were the thoughts that it takes a village to raise a child, and that everyone in the room was anxiously waiting for the birth of a little person. She was inside Melissa's belly and there we were, all excited and grown up, and waiting for a little baby that would somehow influence all our lives. It was a beautiful day and a fun shower and I just cried and cried because I was so amazed.
The third time, the baby had just been born and Ken and I went straight to the hospital. Melissa was exhausted; little Lillia Michele was... little. Holding the newborn was surreal, and the next few days felt the same way. This creature bundled in my arms was INSIDE Melissa's belly until the night before! Melissa seemed like she had no idea what to do, like she didn't even care about her. It was as though she had written a book and everyone had come to the reading and bought a copy. It was Melissa's, but it was more for everyone else.
We watched that baby for four days. None of us could keep our hands off her. Her facial expressions while she slept seemed the most entertaining thing in the world; changing her diaper was pleasurable and she stopped caring about camera flashes after the first hour. Everyone's parenting instincts kicked in, and Melissa barely had any time with her. She hated breastfeeding and couldn't fathom that the baby was hers, that the baby was alive. She seemed very detached.
Reading Melissa's blog throughout the course of the pregnancy offered me insights to her life that I shouldn't have known about. I knew how the father had tormented her, how she felt so alone, how exasperated she was for the last month... and also how incredibly excited and amazed she was by her daughter. I wasn't worried about Lillia and Melissa; I wanted to be them.
And I wanted so badly to be involved in their life. I wanted to reach out to Melissa, but wouldn't that be weird since we had only met three times? I wanted to help raise Lillia, but I'm beginning to not be able to even stand her uncle and the prospect of having to forget her is becoming very real. I feel so tied to their family, to every awesome member except Ken. And I am absolutely in love with the baby. The song, "When a Child is Born" resonates through my skull as I think about her.
So what is it about her? Is it the fact that her birth changed Melissa's life for the better, and probably everyone else's? It's the dumbest thing ever. The baby cannot DO anything; we have no idea of what her personality is; we have no expectations of her and yet we are all humbled by her presence and would do anything to serve her needs. All I know is that I'm falling apart at the seams and my entire life is spiraling into weepy territory. I am obsessed.