Project New Leaf A-8
Entry #8
"Autistic"
Finals are over. Thank God... for some heartache, and some triumphs. Isn't that how it always is?
I've learned something interesting about myself. According to my mother, part of the reason I was home schooled was my "nature." When I asked what she meant by that, she told me that I've always been what she calls "guileless." By that, I think she means unassuming, trusting, and too sweet for my own good. Maybe I am. But then she started talking about autism,, how it's a spectrum, and how there's been a reason for every decision she's made concerning my education, well-being, etc. The more she talked, the more it all made sense. For instance, I have never been able to make eye contact with people for more than about a half-second. My mom says that it's always been like that, even when I was really little. "Eye-shy," is how she put it. It just gives me a horrible, skin-crawling, eerie sensation when I look someone in the eye and just hold my stare there... never thought more of it. But... mm... I guess that I just feel a bit uneasy. Thinking back to my upbringing, and how sheltered I was, I don't think that my mother had very much faith in my ability to cope with the world. I wonder if she does now, and find myself doubting. Because while I have my talents, I have glaring weaknesses that eclipse said talents until I wonder how to pull myself back into the light. I always knew that I was a bit odd, but autism? I've noticed that the autistic often have some facial irregularities, and I've started looking for them in my own reflection. I know that normal is boring, and have always somewhat admired "mad geniuses," or those who overcome difficulty with brilliance... but I'm so terrified of falling short of what apparently are very low expectations.
Looking back at my childhood, I can remember feeling a bit like an alien. Out of place, sort of set adrift in a world that was both too fast and too slow at once. It frustrated me to tears (still does). It's as if everyone else is in perfect 4/4 time and my beat is set to more of... I don't know, a reggae? I often said things obliviously, even if they sounded too brash or silly. Then I started to realize this, and stopped talking unless I knew for a fact that my words meant something. But now... now I feel like my friends were there out of charity, like they knew this all along, like any appearance of respect was a cruel facade. That odd girl... she's not quite right, be nice to her.
SO... tonight, I decided to do something that is, while not wildly creative, slightly celebratory of the entire identity crisis. It's cosplay... connecting with a fellow Autistic Spectrum kid and doing what I do when the world is just a little too intimidating. Death Note's L, meet my friend the violin.
"Autistic"
Finals are over. Thank God... for some heartache, and some triumphs. Isn't that how it always is?
I've learned something interesting about myself. According to my mother, part of the reason I was home schooled was my "nature." When I asked what she meant by that, she told me that I've always been what she calls "guileless." By that, I think she means unassuming, trusting, and too sweet for my own good. Maybe I am. But then she started talking about autism,, how it's a spectrum, and how there's been a reason for every decision she's made concerning my education, well-being, etc. The more she talked, the more it all made sense. For instance, I have never been able to make eye contact with people for more than about a half-second. My mom says that it's always been like that, even when I was really little. "Eye-shy," is how she put it. It just gives me a horrible, skin-crawling, eerie sensation when I look someone in the eye and just hold my stare there... never thought more of it. But... mm... I guess that I just feel a bit uneasy. Thinking back to my upbringing, and how sheltered I was, I don't think that my mother had very much faith in my ability to cope with the world. I wonder if she does now, and find myself doubting. Because while I have my talents, I have glaring weaknesses that eclipse said talents until I wonder how to pull myself back into the light. I always knew that I was a bit odd, but autism? I've noticed that the autistic often have some facial irregularities, and I've started looking for them in my own reflection. I know that normal is boring, and have always somewhat admired "mad geniuses," or those who overcome difficulty with brilliance... but I'm so terrified of falling short of what apparently are very low expectations.
Looking back at my childhood, I can remember feeling a bit like an alien. Out of place, sort of set adrift in a world that was both too fast and too slow at once. It frustrated me to tears (still does). It's as if everyone else is in perfect 4/4 time and my beat is set to more of... I don't know, a reggae? I often said things obliviously, even if they sounded too brash or silly. Then I started to realize this, and stopped talking unless I knew for a fact that my words meant something. But now... now I feel like my friends were there out of charity, like they knew this all along, like any appearance of respect was a cruel facade. That odd girl... she's not quite right, be nice to her.
SO... tonight, I decided to do something that is, while not wildly creative, slightly celebratory of the entire identity crisis. It's cosplay... connecting with a fellow Autistic Spectrum kid and doing what I do when the world is just a little too intimidating. Death Note's L, meet my friend the violin.
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