I Don't Think
Lance stared out across the water toward the brightly lit fountain that soared into the sky and then cascaded back down to the pool beneath, creating ripples of light and shadow. He sat there, just thinking for a moment, and then he took a deep breathe and gathered his strengths. He looked over at the boy sitting next to him and smiled. Lance stayed there, just staring and smiling, until Xander noticed.
Xander laughed nervously and asked, "What?"
Lance continued smiling. He looked right into Xander's eyes, making sure he had his undivided attention, and said, "I don't think you want this."
Xander feined confusion. "What?"
"I don't think you want this."
Xander sat there, silent.
Lance continued. "I don't think you want this. You and me. I don't think you want this," said Lance, still staring, still smiling.
Xander tried to keep up the act. "Um...what makes you say...that?"
"You don't call me. You don't e-mail me. You don't IM me," Lance said, still staring, still smiling.
Xander was beginning to feel more than just a little uncomfortable. "Uh...I mean...I'm sorry. I've just been...busy."
"You don't have to apologize," Lance began, finally breaking his stare. He turned his attention back toward the brightly lit fountain as he continued. "You also don't have to make excuses. Being the rational human beings I like to consider us to be, we can both testify that calling someone or even IMing someone takes about 5 minutes tops. There's no excuse, Xander. I'm not angry at you. But you shouldn't try to make up excuses."
Xander fumbled with his words for a moment. "I don't know what to say. I mean...this is just so...I just...I'm not real sure where this is coming from."
Lance turned back to Xander, smiling still. "I think you know exactly where this is coming from," he said, amiably.
Xander looked down and stared at the grass the two boys sat on. He played with the green blades by his knee angrily. He plucked the pieces of grass out from the ground violently, not exactly sure who or what he was angry at.
Lance grabbed Xander's hand to stop him, and with his other hand, he gently brought Xander's gaze up from the grass back in line with his.
"I'm not angry with you, and you shouldn't be angry with yourself either. You didn't do anything wrong," Lance said, still holding Xander's face in his hand. The two boys held their silent gaze while a single tear welled up in one of Xander's eyes. Xander's lips started to quiver slightly.
The tear eventually left Xander's eye and traveled down his face, but it didn't get too far before Lance brushed it away with his thumb.
"Sweetheart," Lance began, "you're just not ready. It's ok. I don't hold that against you. I knew where you were coming from before anything even started. I knew you might not be able to handle something at this point. I knew that. I'm not worried about that right now. What I'm worried about is you. You're running around, trying to keep busy, not wanting to stop and focus on anything...you can't. You're running yourself ragged so that you never have to stop and think and deal and cope. I'm not saying you have to work through everything right here, right now, but I just pray that you're talking to someone about things. 'Cause you're certainly not talking to me. You need to let things out. You need to talk to someone or have some kind of outlet, and I don't know if you HAVE one. I'm so worried about you, because I can see the pain and insecureties behind your eyes. I'm just so afraid that I'm pushing you into something you're not ready for, and that's only going to hurt your more in the long run, and THAT is the LAST thing that I want to do! I want to help you in any way I can...not hurt you even more, Xander. You are such a great guy. I couldn't ever even dream of harming you, and that's what I think I'm doing by pushing this relationship along. I'm not angry at you. Please don't think that I am. I'm just worried about you. I think you need time to yourself, but know this. I will always be here for you if you ever need to talk to someone or just need a shoulder to cry on. I am here and always will be."
The two boys held their gaze for a moment before Xander couldn't hold it in any longer. Lance leaned forward and wrapped his arms around his friend, as Xander began to cry quietly. Lance patted Xander on the back, trying to comfort his friend. He turned his gaze back toward the lighted fountain and listened to the soothing, crashing water. He stared into the light, smiled, shook his head, closed his eyes, and squeezed his friend tighter.
signed = haplesstext
Xander laughed nervously and asked, "What?"
Lance continued smiling. He looked right into Xander's eyes, making sure he had his undivided attention, and said, "I don't think you want this."
Xander feined confusion. "What?"
"I don't think you want this."
Xander sat there, silent.
Lance continued. "I don't think you want this. You and me. I don't think you want this," said Lance, still staring, still smiling.
Xander tried to keep up the act. "Um...what makes you say...that?"
"You don't call me. You don't e-mail me. You don't IM me," Lance said, still staring, still smiling.
Xander was beginning to feel more than just a little uncomfortable. "Uh...I mean...I'm sorry. I've just been...busy."
"You don't have to apologize," Lance began, finally breaking his stare. He turned his attention back toward the brightly lit fountain as he continued. "You also don't have to make excuses. Being the rational human beings I like to consider us to be, we can both testify that calling someone or even IMing someone takes about 5 minutes tops. There's no excuse, Xander. I'm not angry at you. But you shouldn't try to make up excuses."
Xander fumbled with his words for a moment. "I don't know what to say. I mean...this is just so...I just...I'm not real sure where this is coming from."
Lance turned back to Xander, smiling still. "I think you know exactly where this is coming from," he said, amiably.
Xander looked down and stared at the grass the two boys sat on. He played with the green blades by his knee angrily. He plucked the pieces of grass out from the ground violently, not exactly sure who or what he was angry at.
Lance grabbed Xander's hand to stop him, and with his other hand, he gently brought Xander's gaze up from the grass back in line with his.
"I'm not angry with you, and you shouldn't be angry with yourself either. You didn't do anything wrong," Lance said, still holding Xander's face in his hand. The two boys held their silent gaze while a single tear welled up in one of Xander's eyes. Xander's lips started to quiver slightly.
The tear eventually left Xander's eye and traveled down his face, but it didn't get too far before Lance brushed it away with his thumb.
"Sweetheart," Lance began, "you're just not ready. It's ok. I don't hold that against you. I knew where you were coming from before anything even started. I knew you might not be able to handle something at this point. I knew that. I'm not worried about that right now. What I'm worried about is you. You're running around, trying to keep busy, not wanting to stop and focus on anything...you can't. You're running yourself ragged so that you never have to stop and think and deal and cope. I'm not saying you have to work through everything right here, right now, but I just pray that you're talking to someone about things. 'Cause you're certainly not talking to me. You need to let things out. You need to talk to someone or have some kind of outlet, and I don't know if you HAVE one. I'm so worried about you, because I can see the pain and insecureties behind your eyes. I'm just so afraid that I'm pushing you into something you're not ready for, and that's only going to hurt your more in the long run, and THAT is the LAST thing that I want to do! I want to help you in any way I can...not hurt you even more, Xander. You are such a great guy. I couldn't ever even dream of harming you, and that's what I think I'm doing by pushing this relationship along. I'm not angry at you. Please don't think that I am. I'm just worried about you. I think you need time to yourself, but know this. I will always be here for you if you ever need to talk to someone or just need a shoulder to cry on. I am here and always will be."
The two boys held their gaze for a moment before Xander couldn't hold it in any longer. Lance leaned forward and wrapped his arms around his friend, as Xander began to cry quietly. Lance patted Xander on the back, trying to comfort his friend. He turned his gaze back toward the lighted fountain and listened to the soothing, crashing water. He stared into the light, smiled, shook his head, closed his eyes, and squeezed his friend tighter.
signed = haplesstext