Just Like Romeo and Juliet chap. 9-12
Title: Just Like Romeo and Juliet
Author: Whenwillyou
Pairings: Remus/Sirius and James/Lily
Rating: PG-PG-13
Summary: Hogwarts is putting on a play!
Chapter the Ninth
It had been two days since the play and still Sirius refused to tell James the whole story. Remus had barely spent five minutes in the same room as Sirius since that night and spoken only ten words to him. The only time he was around Sirius at all was during classes. Sirius was mad at James for this. He had promised that he and Remus would still be friends after all this, but there Remus was, tucked away in his own corner yet again.
“What in bloody hell did you do to him, Sirius?” James asked on the third day of being ignored by Remus.
“Nothing.”
“What did you say to him, then?”
“Nothing.”
“Sirius, for some reason I doubt that Remus would ignore us if you had done and said nothing at all.” James said.
“I-I thought you said he wouldn’t hate me.” Sirius tried to turn the blaming toward James instead.
“I thought he’d take it better than this. Sorry, mate.” James was at a loss of words, which rarely happened. They both sat in silence for a moment. Sirius looked out the window and James stared at his shoe. Both of them felt guilty.
“He asked me why I didn’t go out with anyone.” Sirius said finally.
“When?”
“Before the play,”
“And what did you say?”
“Nothing right then. But just before I kissed him for the play I said…I said that the reason was because the right person has never asked me.” Sirius licked his lips, which were dried and cracked.
“Wait so you kissed him? On the lips and everything?”
“Yeah…during the play. Right before I was supposed to die.”
“No wonder he’s ignoring us.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean that I’d be scared off too. I hate to say this, but I think Lily and I were wrong that the play was a perfect way to get you two together.”
“As if I hadn’t noticed that already.” Sirius huffed. James really did look apologetic, however, and Sirius couldn’t afford to lose another friend. He was already going nuts without Remus to talk to.
“I’m really sorry, Padfoot. I thought everything would turn out differently…”
“It’s ok, I shouldn’t have trusted something like this to your divination skills. We learned that a long time ago.” Sirius let a small smile form on his face as a peace offering, which James gladly returned.
“I wonder where he is while he’s ignoring us…” James pondered.
“If you really must know then take out the map, you twit.” Sirius said. James face brightened.
“Right you are, Sirius!” James touched his forefinger to his nose then pointed it at Sirius before going through his shoulder bag to look for the map. James studied it for a bit and then pointed at the secret passageway to the shrieking shack.
“I wonder why he’s there of all places.” Sirius looked at James with concern.
“I dunno…should we go fetch him?” James asked and Sirius nodded. They got up from their seats in the common room and had taken about three steps before someone jumped up to block them.
“What do you two think you’re doing?” Lily asked, her red hair falling around her shoulders as she crossed her arms over her chest.
“We’re going to go get Remus from his hiding spot.” James said. Sirius was trying to stifle his laughter at James, because since Lily had crossed her arms over her chest, James was trying, but failing, not to look there.
“No you’re not, and try looking at my face, Potter.” Lily said and James’ head snapped up.
“What? You can’t stop us. It’s not past curfew and it’s perfectly reasonable to take a walk out on the grounds.” Sirius said defensively. Lily’s face softened a bit.
“Sirius, unless you want him to keep running away, you’d better leave him be. He’s reacting just as I thought he might, but don’t take it as if he wants nothing to do with you. He needs some time to think things through. Let him work it out for himself. If you go chasing after him, he’ll just run. If you stand still, he’ll eventually come back.” Lily’s face looked sympathetic now as she smiled softly.
“It sounds a lot like someone I know.” Sirius smiled back.
“It does, doesn’t it?” She laughed a little.
“Wait, what? What did I just miss?” James asked confused.
“I have a feeling that you’ll figure it out, James” Sirius said, though James didn’t seem comforted by his word, Sirius knew he’d figure it out soon.
“So just hang in there, ok, Black?” Lily took on her normal tone with him and he smiled beside himself.
“Thanks, Evans.” Sirius left James and Lily alone and went back to his seat.
Sirius watched as James and Lily talked civilly, even friendly, some might say. Sirius decided that James was not so hopeless after all. His choice with the girl he fell in love with wasn’t all that bad after all.
After a few minutes had passed, Lily and James left to go have dinner, leaving Sirius pretty much alone in the common room since everyone else seemed to be hungry as well. Though his stomach was rumbling and hurt with hunger pangs, he stayed in his seat by the window, looking out on the grounds.
Minutes later, Sirius was vaguely aware that the portrait hole had opened, but he didn’t look over to it. He felt as if his feelings had been dulled down since the play. He believed that it was due to his lack-of-Remus. He must be having withdrawal symptoms…
He heard whoever it was who had come in stop for a moment and then walk away, presumably to the dormitories. Sirius thought that whoever it was had the right idea. Sleep sounded so good to him at the moment. His stomach gave another low growl and Sirius sighed. He looked toward his school bag that held three nights uncompleted homework. He felt absolutely no motivation to do anything that he used to do. Surely he was going through Moony withdrawals.
Sirius lay on the grass under his favorite tree by the lake. It was a sunny day and the breeze felt good and natural combing through his hair. The clouds formed odd shapes that Sirius couldn’t quite put his finger on. He felt so happy, so drunk with the feeling that it magnified even more. That’s when Remus came walking toward him. He sat down next to where Sirius lay. Sirius watched the wind blow through Remus’ hair as the boy stared out toward the lake.
Slowly, Sirius sits up, his hand reaching out toward the boy. Remus looked around, his bright amber eyes staring at Sirius’, unwavering. Sirius felt stunned for a moment at the brightness of Remus’ eyes; his hand stayed reaching out, frozen. But then a smile broke out on Remus’ face. The first genuine smile he had seen from Remus in a long time and Sirius felt so secure again as he moved his hand and touched Remus’ hair, gently. It was soft like he always thought it would be.
“Wake up, Sirius.” Remus said gently, but he repeats, his voice becoming more urgent. The sky turned dark suddenly and the clouds no longer friendly, unrecognizable shapes, but dark and scary.
“Wake up, Sirius.” James’ voice intercepts Sirius’ dream. He had fallen asleep in the armchair. He stretched lightly and yawned. James took him by the arm and helped him upstairs. Remus was already in bed, but James suspected he wasn’t asleep yet.
“James, let go.” Sirius tugged his arm away from his friend.
“Sirius, did you at least do some of your homework while we were at dinner, or did you just sleep?” James looked a bit mad.
“I slept.” James’ anger at him only made him angry, too.
“Sirius, you can’t just ignore it all.”
“I can and I am.” Sirius stripped down and got into his pajamas.
“No you bloody can’t!”
“I already said that I can, and I plan do to this until I feel like stopping.” Sirius was getting tired of arguing already.
“You need to stop, Sirius.” James voice was so quiet and small that it made Sirius pay attention, “You can’t keep on doing this self defeating thing you’re doing. It’s not fair to any of us, especially you.”
Sirius found that he had no more words that seemed to fit, and so he settled with just looking at James. James sighed and got into his own bed and turned out his lamp, leaving Sirius silently staring in the dark.
He couldn’t sleep at all that night. He stayed awake reading for a bit, hoping it’d put him to sleep as it usually did, but no luck was on his side lately. So he settled for sitting in the windowsill and looking across the grounds. The dew had settled on the grass long ago, causing it to look as if the stars had fallen from the sky and now lay painfully on the grounds.
~~~~~~~~~~
“You need to stop, Sirius.” James voice was quiet, “You can’t keep on doing this self defeating thing you’re doing. It’s not fair to any of us, especially you.”
After a few moments, Remus heard James crawl into bed and put out his lamp. Everything was quiet for a long time until he heard rustling coming from Sirius’ bed. He heard the familiar sound of a page turning and then silence once again until a moment later when it repeated itself.
Just as Remus’ eyelids were becoming heavy, he heard Sirius’ bed creak. Remus held his breathe, listening intently as the floorboards squeaked under Sirius’ weight. But the sound was traveling toward the window and not Remus’ bed. Remus let out his breath, slowly, carefully in disappointment. He missed having Sirius around. He missed how Sirius was irrational sometimes and he missed how he felt while around Sirius.
Of course it was his own fault that he no longer hung around Sirius. He could’ve talked it out with Sirius instead of ignore him and they would probably still be close friends as they once were. But the problem with that lay in the fact that Remus was severely confused. He couldn’t deny the fact that Sirius kissing him hadn’t completely revolted him, but he also couldn’t deny that he felt a little strange admitting this.
Remus heard Sirius sigh and felt a pang of guilt.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remus woke up early the next morning as he had done the past three days. He got up quietly and went toward the bathrooms. Sirius was sitting on the windowsill, wide-awake. Remus wondered if he had stayed up all night, but went on with his daily routine as always.
Sirius was still there when he came out, smelling fresh and clean, and James and Peter were now awake also. Remus dressed quickly and grabbed his shoulder bag and then darted out of the room. He had nowhere to be right away, so he went down to Breakfast. People commented that he looked particularly pale today and he shrugged it off. The full moon would begin that night, and he doubted that he would have Wormtail, Prongs, or Padfoot to keep him company.
After Remus succeeded in eating a bit of eggs, he moved on. The others would be down any minute and he wanted to be gone by the time they came. So he sat outside his first class of the day until the professor opened the door. He took his normal seat and waited for everyone else to come. The classroom filled quickly and just before the class started James and Peter darted in to their seats. Remus looked at them curiously. Sirius wasn’t there.
Remus was worried even though he wasn’t exactly on friendly terms with them at the moment. He ripped a bit of parchment from the corner of his parchement and wrote the first note he had ever written during class.
Where’s Sirius?
Remus passed the note to James, who looked up incredulously. He opened the note and Remus watched his eyes dart around a bit before taking his own quill and scribbling something back.
Claimed he didn’t feel well. Wormtail and I tried to shove him into the shower and out here, but couldn’t. That’s why we were so late. We didn’t even get breakfast.
Remus felt even guiltier than last night so he scribbled another note.
It’s all my fault, isn’t it? James, honestly, I’m worried about him. He’s usually so cheerful, nothing ever seems to penetrate that big head of his. Why did this do it?
James read for a moment and then seemed to ponder it before writing an answer.
He told me about him fancying you before anything ever happened. I offered to help him after the idea sunk in, but the most important thing to him seemed to be you. He wanted to keep you as a friend no matter what. Do you see, Remus?
James tossed the note back to Remus and over Peter, causing the professor to stare at the two of them for a moment. When the professor looked away, Remus opened the note and read.
So you were in on it?
Lily too.
Does anyone in the school not know about this? Should we make an announcement?
Remus, he likes you a lot. It’s not a phase. It’s not one of his rushed decisions. He likes you. And if you pull him around and lead him on, then I’m afraid that I will have to punch you in the nose.
Oh dear…
“Potter! Lupin! I know you’re doing something distracting back there. Stop it!” the professor shouted and Remus and James sank down in their seats. For once, Peter seemed tall.
Chapter the Tenth
Anyone who knew Sirius Black would say that he just wasn’t himself these days. Anyone who knew him at all would say he’s completely different. Yet almost no one would be able to name the exact date that he began to change because it had all happened so gradually and quietly.
James Potter, however, knew the exact day that his best friend began to change from a bustle of energy being contained in a young man’s body to wilting emotions. It was the day that Sirius Black fell in love with his friend, Remus Lupin.
James looked sullenly at Sirius who sat, as he almost always did these days, near a window. He settled for just staring out the window all day rather than ever going outside. His body, which had once looked like a young boy’s who was on the brink of his last growth spurt before he was fully grown, now looked almost small and lanky. He wasn’t eating much, and he surely wasn’t exercising. It had only been about four days since the play and yet, the difference from the Sirius before the play and the Sirius after the play was as big as night and day.
Sirius no longer lived to pull pranks and laugh with his mates. He just sort of…existed.
“Come on, Sirius. Let’s go outside for a bit.” James pleaded. Sirius’ want for solitude was driving him insane. James had hardly seen him all day, because Sirius had not come to any of his classes that day, much to the displeasure of all his teachers. James had told them all that he was sick, and he surely looked it.
“I want to stay inside, you go.” Sirius mumbled from his chair. He sat with his legs pulled up against his chest and his chin resting on his knees. James looked at him a moment, hoping he’d change his mind, but Sirius only sat there staring at him like an owl.
“Ok…see you at dinner.” James mumbled and went out the portrait hole to meet up with Peter outside.
Sirius thought, as he did a lot now a days. If there were a way to get Remus to just be around him again, everything would go back to normal. Sirius would force himself to think of Remus as only a friend, and nothing more. It was the only thing he could do.
Sirius looked outside again and remembered that the full moon was tonight. He wondered whether Remus would disagree to him coming along. Sirius let his mind wander until dinner. He wondered whether he should go down and eat, since he hadn’t eaten a single bite all day. His stomach answered ‘yes’.
Sirius went down a little late, hoping that most people would be gone by the time he got there. As he had hoped the Great Hall was on the empty side when he got there, but Remus, James, and Peter sat at the table eating. Sirius could tell that something was a bit off as soon as he set eyes on them. James looked strange. He had that look on his face that was usually saved just for Sirius when he messed up a prank badly and ended them up in detention. Maybe that was why Sirius thought it was strange to see it directed at Remus. Sirius walked up so that he was behind both James and Remus, Peter looked at him quickly and gave him a warning to stay back for a bit. Peter had been right, because just a second later James spoke angrily.
“You could talk to him for Merlin’s sake!” James voice was definitely angry.
“James-“
“You owe that much to him, at least. He’s the one who convinced Peter and I to go along with the whole animagus thing--”
“James, quieter, please!” Remus looked toward other people at the table to see if anyone had heard.
“--But you’re just completely ignoring him! I thought you’d be better about this. More open, at least.” James’ face was steadily getting redder with anger as he stared at Remus.
“What do you want from me?” Remus asked quietly. Sirius wanted to step in and tell James to back off. He wanted to say that it wasn’t Remus’ fault, or at least not completely. But Peter’s glance told him not to.
“I want you to talk to the damn boy! Just go back to the way things used to be.”
“I can’t do that, James. I wouldn’t be able to just go back to the way things were even if I wanted to.” Remus’ eyes were pleading and Sirius had to really hold himself back so that he didn’t step in. This fight was between Remus and James. Not him.
“Pretend that nothing ever happened, then! You’re making it out to be so hard, but it’s not. I think you’re just weak, Remus. Peter, you’d be able to shrug it off, wouldn’t you?” James asked, but didn’t take his eyes off Remus who seemed extremely uncomfortable.
“I already shrug off most things that you and Sirius do anyway…” Peter said honestly.
“See, Peter could do it.”
“That’s all hypothetical! If he was in the situation I’d love to see him even try! The same with you, James. You’d be in a right state!” Remus said with a slightly hysterical look in his eyes.
“The fact is that maybe you’re just not cut out to be a Marauder-“
“Sod off!” Remus lost his temper and got up. He turned around abruptly and smacked into Sirius. Sirius waited for a moment. Waited for Remus to explode at him, too. The explosion, however, did not come. Remus rubbed his head where it had intersected with Sirius’ nose and looked up to see who he had run into. When realization dawned on him, he blushed and muttered an ‘excuse me’ before rushing off.
“Damn prick, he is.” James muttered. He looked back down at his plate full of food, but had no more appetite.
“James…” Sirius began, but he doesn’t know what to say afterwards.
“What?” James snapped.
“Are you coming tonight?” Sirius asked in a small voice. James, of course, knew at once of what Sirius was speaking about. He looked toward the door in which Remus had just left for a moment before replying.
“No.” James didn’t look proud of his decision, but there was an air of defiance as he stood there looking at Sirius as if to challenge him in criticizing him for it. “Come on, Peter.”
Peter got up and followed James out hesitantly. Sirius sat down and sighed. The food evaporated from the table and Sirius’ stomach gave a low grumble. In all the time that they have been animagus, they have never missed a full moon once, except when forced to by miserably planned detentions. James was choosing not to come, though, and it looked as if he was taking Peter out of it, too. Sirius couldn’t do that, though. He couldn’t throw away years of friendship just because of this.
Remus had said so himself, once, that he was afraid of having no friends. Sirius wasn’t going to let that fear come true tonight.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remus rarely lost his cool, but tonight was certainly an exception. He had tolerated James’ yelling at him before tonight, but for some reason he had just snapped. He couldn’t fathom why. He had always been the cool headed one. The respectable, countable, prefect. Remus just had one question now…why him?
Remus had a few hours before sunset, so after his disastrous dinner he went to the library. He settled down in his favorite chair, the one Sirius always tried to take but always gave up after a pleading look from his friend, and took out a book. He carefully folded his legs under himself and let the book take its place on his thighs. He read peacefully for a bit, but was disturbed after only reading three chapters.
“Hey, Remus.” Remus looked up at the sound of his name. Lily leaned against a bookshelf, her shirt was untucked on the right side and her Gryffindor tie was loosened a bit. Her hair was in a loose ponytail and her skirt hung around her hips gently as she held a book. With her vibrant hair and eyes she looked oddly misplaced in the dim, dull library.
“Hello, Lily.” Remus couldn’t help but say his words stiffly. She had helped cause all the mayhem that was surrounding him lately.
“You mad at me?”
“No”
“You’re not a good liar, really.”
“I know.”
“Can I at least explain myself?” Lily asked watching Remus’ expressions carefully as she waited for Remus’ hesitant answer.
“Yeah.”
“Can I?” Lily pointed to the seat across from him.
“Yes.”
Lily sat down, laying the book on her lap. Remus tried to peer at the title or author, but Lily’s hands were placed strategically.
“I faked being sick during the play.”
“James told me already.”
“Did he?” Remus nodded. “Bugger, that little prat. Oh well. Anyway, I faked being sick so that Sirius could tell you how he felt about you. Did he?”
“Er…I suppose. In a way.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, er, earlier that day I had asked him why he didn’t accept any dates…He didn’t answer right then, but that’s kind of what I meant by the whole play thing. See, before he kissed me, as Romeo, he said that the reason he didn’t go out with anyone was because the right person hadn’t asked him yet. “
“Aww!”
“Lily…”
“Right, sorry. The girly thing won’t happen again, I swear.” Lily slapped a hand over her heart to back up her words, but Remus eyed her suspiciously before going on.
“Then he kissed me. He didn’t even use the thumb tip that the professor gave us…” Remus finished. Lily seemed to consider this for a moment. She looked down at the book that sat in her lap, but still didn’t move her hands from it.
“And so you’ve been avoiding him since then?” She asked at length.
“Yes.”
“How much do you think James likes me?”
“What?”
“Just answer.”
“He likes you quite a bit.” Remus had no clue as to where Lily was going with this, but did as he was told to do.
“Do you think he’d take risks to get me?”
“He already has, hasn’t he?” Remus half laughed and Lily nodded.
“Do you believe he’d die for me?”
“Lily, why-“
“Just answer.”
“Yes. Yes, I do.”
“Good. Because I do too.” Lily settled into her chair a bit more.
“Then why do you turn him down?” Remus was confused now.
“Sometimes people don’t see what’s right in front of them, Remus. Sometimes it takes time to see how much you’re loved…how important you are.”
“So you’re going out with James?”
“Yes, next time he asks me, I’m going to say yes.”
“That’s brilliant!”
“Yes.” Lily said evenly. Her eyes had not left him for even a second.
“Lily? Er…why’re you telling me this?”
“Because you’re like me in so many ways, Remus. It’s actually quite scary, you see. “ She said, looking down at her book.
“What d’you mean?”
“You’re running away from Sirius because he’s chasing you, correct?”
“I suppose it can be put like that…”
“And it’s taking you forever to realize that the reason he’s chasing you is because he cares--loves--you so much.”
“Well-“
“And you’re afraid of what other people will think if you take that chance and risk as much as he’s risking for you.”
“Lily…”
“You know all of this, yet you’re not making any sort of move. I know all of this, and I’m beginning to see that I want to make a move. It’s only a matter of time until you do the same.”
“But-“
“I’d better be going, Remus. I’ll see you around more now, I suppose.” Lily stood up and smiled at him. She turned around and began to walk away but before she was three steps away she turned back to face him. “Would you mind putting this away for me?” Lily handed him the book that she had and then walked out of the library.
Remus looked down at the copy of Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet that Lily had just handed him and sighed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sirius had gone back up to the common Room, figuring that Remus would’ve done the same. But when Sirius got there Remus was nowhere in sight. This had Sirius pretty worried so he decided to try and convince Peter to come with him to the Shrieking Shack so that Remus wouldn’t feel friendless.
“Hey, Peter, you’re coming tonight, aren’t you?” Sirius asked. James, who was sitting nearby, huffed. Peter’s gaze glanced over to James for a moment.
“I…I don’t think so.”
“What? Peter, come now, you have to.”
“If I do, James’ll hex me to oblivion.”
“Peter, please? For Remus?”
“Er…”
“Oblivion is fun, really. You see all sorts of wild colors and shapes. You’d love it, Pete!”
“Er…”
“Oh fine, go on and take James’ side. And go shag him, see if I care!” Sirius huffed and walked away hearing Peter stuttering madly away and James shouting “Sod off, Sirius!” at the top of his lungs.
Sirius tripped out the portrait hole and cursed splendidly. Trying to convince Peter had made him late. To add to all his frustration, James had refused to lend Sirius his invisibility cloak and had hidden the Marauder’s Map. So Sirius made his way through the castle, as quietly and quickly as he could.
Sirius reached the Great Oak Doors a few moments later and opened them cautiously, in case they were to make any noise. The night’s air swarmed around him and made him dizzy with happiness. He hadn’t been outside in the fresh air for days, which was quite possibly the longest time he had gone without it. He breathed it in, feeling instantly better.
He could smell the rain on the air, but it only made him happier. He loved good violent storms.
That’s when his body started itching to move. The energy that he had been pushing low down to the bottom of his soul was now threatening to come bouncing out, returning his presence to the normal bustling levels of energy that he usually had. He sniffed at the air and then stretched his arms out. He broke out into a run toward the Whomping Willow. His legs ran in the pattern that they always had and his breath evened out as it normally did. He found it funny that his body could remember such things even though it was out of practice and seemed run down.
When Sirius reached the Whomping Willow, he began to look for a long stick to poke the knot with. He found one in some bushes and rushed to the tree. The moon had been out for a half hour now and Sirius was worried about Remus. He quickly poked the knot, watched the tree shiver and then go still, and dived through the hole.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remus waited. He paced about a bit. Bit his nails down to stubs. He even fixed the bed’s sheets from last month. But still, not one of his friends came. He resisted the pull of the moon as he always did, but this time he resisted it out of fear. He hadn’t spent a full moon completely alone since his third year at Hogwarts. He had thought that his friends would come, even if they weren’t on such great terms with each other.
“I messed up…” he said aloud to no one in particular. The wind was blowing outside as it often does before a big storm is to come, and the wood building creaked beneath the harsh wind. It was a bit chilly, yet Remus was sweating. He was beginning to panic. He was afraid of being alone like this. He had spent a whole childhood like this…just waiting for the moon to give its final pull and turn him into a monster. With his friends around it hadn’t seemed like that at all. It made him feel as if he were simply transforming into his own animagus state instead of turning into a dark creature. But now, when he was alone, he truly believed that he was turning into a monster.
Remus quivered as he felt his bones shifting shapes and growing. The pain was unbelievable when it came right down to it. The fur that grew on his body itched terribly, and hence, the claws grew and were used. Remus’ throat was roughly itching. Something deep in him wanted to howl. It was the monster, Remus panicked, that he was becoming. It wanted everyone within distance to know he was here. It wanted to terrify people. It wanted blood.
Remus tried to swallow back the howl, but it was no use. It came out raspy and threatening, and it tore at his throat. But soon he felt no more pain, and he thought no more human thoughts. He was the wolf, now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sirius had changed into his dog form once he had ducked into the tunnel that lead to the Shrieking Shack. He could smell Remus even from the beginning of the tunnel. Not the quiet boy he knew, but the wolf. They had distinct smells, and he knew right then that he smelled the wolf, because its smell was slightly coppery, as was blood. Sirius had to do this right if he was going to come away mostly unharmed. He had to change back to his boy form to unlock the door and open it. So he had to change back to the dog quickly before the wolf could pounce. The tricky part was that the wolf would smell him from way off, and would be expecting him. They would fight until one overcame the other, but they’d recognize each other as pack members so no real harm would come of it.
Sirius changed back to normal a few steps away. He unlocked and opened the door quickly and changed back as fast as he could. His tail had just finished growing when he was knocked over by the wolf. They tumbled and ultimately, Sirius was pinned. He whimpered his defeat and the wolf let him up. The wolf was restless tonight, and Sirius couldn’t be sure that he could keep him in check. Usually it was James, the stag, who was able to keep him behaving. So Sirius nuzzled the door shut as soon as he could, He needed the wolf to stay in tonight. Sirius made a big show of lying down and the wolf watched on as he did so, and just as Sirius had hoped, the wolf followed his example. It laid down and went to sleep.
Sirius pondered over this as the night passed. Why had the wolf given in so easily? He had though that it’d be harder to get the wolf to oblige, but it had taken close to no effort in convincing him.
Sirius’ eyes began to droop, finally, and he let them close lazily. A few moments later he was fast asleep with the wolf curled up next to him, dozing.
Chapter the Eleventh
Remus woke up the next morning, groggy and sorer than he had been in years. Having James, Peter, and Sirius around for his transformations had kept him from tearing at himself for so long, but when none of them had appeared this time Remus had felt more than just physical pain.
The door to the Shack creaked and Remus wondered, dazedly, who it was since it was much to early for Madame Pomfrey to come and fix him up. His curiosity dwindled away as a boy with black hair soaked from head to toe came through the door. Sirius looked tired and overworked as he crossed the room not realizing that Remus was awake. He set a bowl full of water with a small white washcloth hanging out the side on Remus’ bedside table and finally looked toward Remus.
“Oh,” Sirius said, his eyes bright and wide, “You’re awake?”
“Yeah.” Remus tried shifting a bit on the uncomfortable mattress, but pain shot through his muscles and skin.
“Don’t move too much. It looks like you scratched yourself up pretty badly last night.” Sirius dipped the towel into the bowl and squeezed the excess water out. With a hesitant look toward Remus he shuffled closer to the bed. “I brought a towel and some water to clean you up with.” He said his face looked fairly flushed.
“Oh. Right.” Remus then realized that he was naked underneath the thin blanket.
“I also brought a spare change of clothes for you.” Sirius looked down at the corner of the room where a heap of torn ratty looking clothes laid.
“My favorite jumper!” Remus let out a mournful sigh at the sight of his favorite blue jumper that lay in rags on the floor.
Sirius let Remus mourn his jumper for a few seconds before he indicated toward Remus’ chest. Remus let out a small ‘oh!’ and then pulled the blanket down to the middle of his stomach, afraid to go any lower. His stomach was a general red color from all the cuts and scrapes that puffed up horribly. Sirius began to gently clean up the smeared blood and cuts cringing the whole time.
“I tried to be here in time…” Sirius didn’t look Remus in the eyes as he spoke, “But I didn’t make it. I’m sorry.”
Remus thought that it was quite possibly the only time he had ever seen Sirius so vulnerable. He looked absolutely small and reserved and was acting quite a bit like Peter. It was as if all their history had been erased and they were starting over, timid and meek as they had been on the train on the ride to their first year at Hogwarts. All at once he missed the ease they used to have with each other. The way they would lean against each other with no thought as to ‘boys don’t touch each other like this’ or ‘this isn’t natural’. They had simply touched each other. They had always slung arms around each other’s shoulders and bumped their growing legs together without any real thought to it. But now, with Sirius running the clothe along his stomach, he felt every touch meant something or had some sort of purpose behind it. It made his skin crawl. But he realized that the crawling sensation didn’t feel all that bad, really.
“It’s ok.” Remus’ voice had somehow spoken of it’s own accord. How could he just let Sirius off that easily? It seemed that Sirius had always had that power over him. No matter how much Sirius yelled at him or how harsh he was, Remus would say, “it’s ok”.
“No, it’s not. We all promised you we’d be here for you no matter what the circumstances. We failed. I failed.” He concluded. He truly looked as if he might pass out.
“Sirius-“
“I mean, of course I tried to get them to come, but you know how James can get. All annoying and prudish. Big wanker, that one.” Sirius mumbled as he dipped the cloth back into the bowl. They both fell head first into an awkward silence. For just a moment, they had forgotten themselves. They had begun to feel like nothing had ever happened but were soon kicked back to reality making it uncomfortable and awkward once again.
Remus felt as though he wanted to scream at Sirius. He wanted to shout at him for ruining their bonded boyishness that the four of them had shared before now. He wanted to shout that he was so confused that he would probably prefer having never been born. He wanted to scream that he wanted things to go back to the way they had been before. But he didn’t scream about any of those. Instead, when his voice finally spoke it was soft and a bit timid.
“I don’t know what to say to you anymore.”
Sirius looked up at Remus’ face for only the second time since he had walked through the door. His grey eyes looked so mixed that Remus couldn’t tell what he felt.
“Say anything you’d like.” Sirius replied obviously trying to act coolly. His gaze went back down to Remus’ pale stomach and chest as he put the cool clothe back in its place.
“I don’t want to just say anything.”
“Well, then don’t say anything at all.”
“I want to say something, though.”
“You can’t do it all at once.” Sirius sounded reasonable. Sirius sounded very unlike himself. Before Remus could realize it, they had fallen back into the awkward silence that always seemed to happen when Remus talked to anyone but James, Peter, and Sirius. But now he feared that it might happen with everyone he talked to.
“Why did you come? You know, if James and Peter refused to come, why did you come?” Remus asked. Sirius seemed to be concentrating on the now bloodstained clothe and didn’t answer right away.
“Because,” he stopped to think for a moment more, “well…I don’t know, really. I felt I owed it to you, I suppose.” Sirius noticed a rather large cut on Remus’ arm that was slowly leaving a trail of blood down his arm and onto the bed sheet, and went after it with his now reddish-pink cloth. He wiped the blood away and then went out the door quickly into a separate room and came back with a bandage cloth, which he wrapped around Remus’ arm.
Remus watched as Sirius busied himself with small tasks that usually would be too trivial to pursue. He really was acting quite odd. A roll of thunder sounded quite suddenly and Remus cursed for being so damn jumpy because it hurt to move so much.
“It’s raining?” Remus asked.
“It’s been raining practically all night. It’s gotten less stormy, though. Only a bit of thunder and lightening every now and then.” Sirius said as he went to the closest window. He pulled back the curtains so that Remus could look out.
Remus always got sad during big storms. He became nostalgic. At his old house, the one he had lived in as a kid, there had been a nice back porch with a hood above it. His parents used to take him out there with pillows and blankets. They would all settle down, and Remus would snuggle up to them and they’d all watch the lightening and listen to the thunder. But as he grew older, his parents stopped going out during storms. He had thought of asking them to join him again, but somehow he never had the courage.
That was his problem. He never said what he should and never did what he felt like doing. He played cool when underneath he was seething. Somehow while growing up he must have missed an important lesson. The lesson of being able to show ones emotions more efficiently. Remus cursed himself for missing the lesson.
“I’ll see you around.” Sirius’ voice woke Remus from his thoughts. His words were so vague. It used to be ‘See you in Potions!’ or things like that. Things were never so vague.
“Ok.” Remus said and watched as Sirius opened the door. “Hey, Sirius?”
“Yeah?” Sirius turned around a moment. A glint of hope shone brightly in his eyes.
“Thanks for coming. It doesn’t matter that you were late.” Remus hoped his face reflected how truly grateful he was
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sirius closed the door behind him and let out a long, low sigh. It had gone better than he had thought. He had thought that maybe Remus would have been mad. But he didn’t seem to be mad. On the contrary, he seemed more friendly and accepting than he had been in days. But that only gave Sirius hope.
Seeing Remus lying in bed, all scared up, made him cringe inwardly. It had always frightened him a bit, that his friend got hurt so badly every month. That was the reason he had gone to James saying that they [i]had[/i] to do [i]something[/i]. That was the reason Sirius could turn into Padfoot.
So Padfoot walked back through the darkened tunnel. The stench of dirt was more prominent than usual and it filled his nostrils until he could no longer smell Remus. The dirt was softer than usual, also. He finally reached the entrance, and with a few cracking bones he was back to Sirius. He ran back up to the castle, his hair and clothes soaking through in just a few seconds. When he reached the Great Oak doors he pushed them open and ran the whole way back to the Gryffindor common room.
“How’s he doing?” James’ voice asked almost immediately after Sirius tumbled through the portrait hole. Sirius stood up, wrung some water out of his shirt and onto his shoes. He ran a hand through his soaked hair to get it out of his face and then finally looked up at James.
“He’s been better.” Sirius said stiffly.
“It’s not my fault th-“
“Shut up, James. It’s our entire fault. We all promised him on the Marauder’s honor. “ Sirius said.
“Once didn’t kill him, did it? And now he knows that Peter and I are serious about him over reacting.” James said, but Sirius saw the brief look of guilt that crossed his face.
“James, you didn’t see him.” Sirius said as he crossed the room and plopped down in front of the fire to dry off a bit. James followed him and sat down beside him.
“I feel bad for not coming, Sirius, but…I don’t know. I was being an arse.” James said.
“I know.” Whether Sirius was referring to him feeling bad or being an arse, James didn’t know. But he loved Sirius for saying it.
“Was it…bad?”
“He had cuts all over.” Sirius put his head in his hands, combing back his hair.
“Was it worse than that one time he got loose?”
“Much worse.”
“Oh, God…”
“I cleaned him up a bit, but…you know, only his chest and arms.”
“I should apologize to him.” James said softly.
“You should.” Sirius said a bit coldly. James nodded. He deserved the coldness more than anyone he could think of.
“Did you two talk at all?”
“A bit. You know…I told him I was sorry for being late. And we talk about the rain for a bit. He said he doesn’t know what to say to me anymore.” Sirius said.
“I wouldn’t know what to say either, if I were him.” James said, causing Sirius to look up at him.
“What with my brilliant subtle confession of being gay and fancying him all in about five seconds’ time?”
“Of course.”
“Why can’t I ever be subtle? Is it something that normal people have built into their minds or something?”
“No, you just learn to be.”
“Why can’t I ever learn, then?”
“Don’t know, mate.” James laughed and realized that it was the first time he had laughed in a few days.
They sat in front of the fire for a while longer to wait until Sirius was dry again and didn’t smell like a wet dog. After he was indeed dry, they got up and started for the Great Hall when they realized that Lily was sitting on the sofa directly in back of them. Sirius saw James blush a little out of the corner of his eyes.
“Ah, Evans…How much did you hear?” Sirius asked, lacking subtlety. They should have been more careful, talking about Moony, even if it was really early morning.
“Quite a bit, actually.” Lily sat there on the sofa, her arms crossed over her chest.
“What parts?” James asked.
“Enough to where I’m curious as to why Lupin has cuts.” Lily looked at the two of them who looked at each other and then back to her.
“Er…”
“I’ll know if you’re lying, you know. Girls’ intuition and all that.”
“He was cutting himself. You know…er…self-mutilation.” Sirius tried.
“Liar. Next excuse?”
“We can’t tell you. We’ve promised Remus and we’re not going to break that.” James said confidently. To Sirius and James’ surprise, Lily looked at him, smiling.
“I’ll accept that answer, but I’ll have you know that I will find out some day.” Lily said darkly.
“Maybe so, but he won’t be able to blame it on us.” Sirius shrugged. His stomach growled and he wanted to go down and get something to eat, but it seemed as if James wanted to keep talking to Lily.
“Why do you care, anyway?” James asked.
“Because I’m friends with Remus, too. It’s not like you’re the only ones allowed to be friends with him.” Lily shrugged. Sirius’ stomach gave another low rumble.
“Well, maybe-“
“Hey, James, uh, yeah. I’ll be downstairs stuffing my face. You can stay up here if you want, though.” Sirius said waving quickly at James’ blinking eyes. “See you in a bit.” Sirius said and turned quickly and was on his way.
Sirius nipped down the stairs and went through the corridors until he finally reached the Great Hall. He breathed in the smell of bacon, toast, eggs, jams, and pumpkin juice. His stomach gave yet another low growl. He sat down and started shoveling food into his mouth.
A few moments later, Peter came and sat down across from Sirius. He looked quite tired and as if he had literally just rolled out of bed and came down to eat. His thin, blonde hair stuck up at odd angles and he had dark circles under his eyes. He yawned and then promptly pulled a plate toward him and began to pile food on it.
“Had a good sleep, did you?” Sirius asked in-between mouthfuls of food.
“Yeah…” Peter said. As Sirius looked on at his friend he thought. They were all growing up, weren’t they? There were small trails of proof left behind along the way, but all of them were too small to be noticed until it had been done and completed. Even Peter was taller now, and a bit more angular. It seemed as if he had finally lost most of his baby fat.
Sirius wondered when it had begun to happen. When had they all began to grow up and apart? Where there had once been four inseparable friends that only seemed to mimic each other now were four separable individuals who had four separate and distinct personalities. It was amazing, really, that they had all missed it.
“We’re falling apart, aren’t we?” Sirius asked his plate of eggs. The eggs answered in a small ‘glop’ sort of sound. Sirius huffed at them and shoved them away from him.
Chapter the Twelfth
“Why is it that all of you seem to think that informing me of things like this is useless?” Sirius asked clearly agitated at James and Peter later that day after Muggle studies.
“I don’t know…I guess I forgot about it.” James shrugged.
“I don’t want to put on another performance!” Sirius said loudly so that people who were walking close to him took a step or two away.
“Well, you’re going to have to unless you want a horrible grade.”
“Why’s the professor doing this to me-eeee?” Sirius wailed.
“He’s not doing it to you, you twit. Dumbledore liked the play and thought it’d be a good idea to put it on once more so that everyone who didn’t get a chance to see it could see it this weekend.” James tried to be sensible.
“But WHY???” Sirius was in his dramatic mode. Nothing could stop him now. Except for a timid cough that came from behind him.
“I’m not playing Juliet for the last scene this time ‘round.” Remus’ voice said sternly. Sirius and the others spun around and saw Remus standing there, his bag slung over his right shoulder, with a twisted sort of smile on his face. He looked sickly, but not nearly as bad as that morning when Sirius had cleaned him up a bit.
“You sure about that, Lupin?” James asked in a teasing voice.
“Absolutely.” Remus replied. Sirius couldn’t help it. A smile burst out on his face and he had no control over it. He stupidly grinned at all of them. The horrible fight was finally over. He couldn’t believe that it was this simple. Just like that, they were friends again. So Remus walked in-between Peter and Sirius to their next class.
“Hey, Remus?” James voice said from the other side of Sirius.
“Yes, James?”
“I’m sorry that Peter and I didn’t come last night. We’re bastards. You can remind us whenever you like.”
“I was going to go, but James was going to hex me into oblivion if I did.”
“Yes, but I told you that oblivion was fun, so really you’re not off the hook.”
“But I wanted to go!”
“No you didn’t! You wanted to stay with me and play chess all night!”
“Will you all shut up? I still have a terrible headache.”
“But I wanted to GO!”
“All right, Peter. Don’t throw a hissy fit.”
“I wasn’t throwing a fit. Hissy or otherwise.”
“You were. Don’t deny it.”
“Shut up already!”
“Sorry.”
“Yeah, sorry.”
“I wanted to go.”
“You wanted to play chess.”
“ARGH!”
“Oops, sorry. We’re shutting up, now.”
After the morning classes were over, Sirius, James, Remus, and Peter all went outside to sit beneath their favorite tree to spend their break together for the first time in almost a week. Remus was too happy to be with them all again to think back on the last few times he had been here. He was happy, for the moment, to just listen to the others bicker. He had gone through a lot of arguing to be released as soon as he had been earlier that morning. Madame Pomfrey was hardly pleased with letting him go. But Madame Pomfrey fled from his mind as he watched Sirius and James throw bits of grass at each other, laughing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A few days later Remus was sitting in the common room reading a book. He sat with his legs under himself, an elbow stuck on the armrest, and his chin supported by his hand. He was quite comfortable. That is, until James and Sirius came hurtling through the portrait hole. It seemed as if Sirius was chasing James, but for what Remus couldn’t think. His theory, however, of Sirius chasing James, was proven when James launched himself at Remus and tried to hide in his one-person seat.
“Quit hiding, James! Fight like a man!” Sirius said.
“Remus, hide me!” James tried to burrow into Remus.
“Ow! James, get out of my chair.”
“I’m counting to five and then I’m coming in after you.” Sirius warned.
“Oh, God, no.”
“One.”
“Sirius, please don’t do this!” Remus was tangled with James’ limbs and couldn’t get up.
“Two.”
“Leave me alone, Sirius!” It was amazing that James’ words came out so clear seeing as how his face was stuffed in the cushions.
“Three.”
“Sirius…”
“Four.”
“You’ll hurt me, too! Sirius, come on…no hurting innocent bystanders.” Remus tried to reason, but he knew it wouldn’t work. He braced himself for impact.
“FIVE!” Sirius launched himself at the chair, which held James and Remus. It all seemed to happen in the blink of an eye. The chair toppled over backwards and Remus and James had the wind knocked out of them. Remus also thought that maybe Sirius’ sharp, bony elbow had punctured a hole straight through his stomach. At least that was what it felt like.
Remus coughed a few times to see if he could breath. It seemed as if James was doing the same as he. Sirius, however, sat on top of them, proudly, his tongue practically lolling out of his mouth. “Justice is done!”
“James, whatever you did to deserve that, I’m going to do five times worse to you.” Remus muttered as he wriggled out from beneath the other two who were now wrestling a bit. Once he was standing and had brushed himself off he looked down at the mess.
“Ow, you prat!” James’ gleeful yell came from somewhere in the mess.
“Honestly, you two…” Remus said.
“Ow, something’s poking me in the back.” Sirius said and rolled over a bit to reveal Remus’ book all torn and bent. As soon as James and Sirius realized what it was, they jumped to their feet and ran.
“Come back here, you book killers!” Remus shouted at their retreating backs, but they were too far-gone. So Remus bent down to try and salvage his book.
“Rough time, eh?”
“Rough is surely not strong enough of a word for what just happened…” Remus said. He didn’t need to look up to know it was Lily. It seemed that she was always popping up at odd times, lately.
“Is it ruined?”
“Pretty much.” Remus held the book up for her to see and a few pages fell from it.
“Sorry for your loss.” Lily said, but her mouth twitched at the corners.
“No worries.” Remus sighed as he picked up the pages that had fallen.
“You want to sit down and talk for a bit?” Lily asked, her face seemed fairly innocent, but Remus still wasn’t sure.
“Er…”
“Come on. I want to sit and talk.”
“Okay…” Remus sat as he was told but did so stiffly.
“So…have you told Sirius yet?” Lily asked conversationally.
“Told him what?”
“That you fancy him.” She said simply.
“Er…no.”
“Why not?”
“Because I don’t fa-“
“Remus, ok, just take a step backwards for a moment and look at you life.”
“Uh, ok. Step back has been taken. I’m…er…looking at my life.” Remus was uncomfortable and Lily rolled her eyes.
“Remus, the fact is that it’s kind of obvious that you two like each other.”
“What? No it isn’t.”
“It is too. That’s why Charlotte broke up with you, you know. Because she thought that you liked Sirius, really, and were just going out with her because you felt bad for her.”
“No! That’s not it at all!”
“You two just…fit, you know?”
“No, I don’t know.” Remus said flatly.
“You two have no problem getting along like James and Sirius do. They’re fine most of the time, but they clash every so often. You and Sirius don’t do that. You’re gentler with each other. More loving, even.”
“We are not ‘loving’!”
“Remus, it’s just me. You don’t have to worry about being all macho-like. Actually, girls like it better when you boys don’t act that way…” Lily pondered for a moment before snapping back to reality. “You can admit it to me. You want to, don’t you?”
Remus thought for a moment. He did as Lily told him to do beforehand. He took a step back from his life and examined it for a moment. It was true. Sirius had never tried to comfort James as he did Remus. His tactics for helping James in times of need were pure distraction, but when Remus was upset, he talked things through with him. He never curled up with James when he felt sick, but he did so with Remus. He never accidentally touched James’ knee under the table, took it away, but then put it back there to rest as his ears turned a bit pink. As Remus sat there across from Lily he realized that everything she had said was true. All the signs he had missed before now rushed to the front of his mind, almost knocking the breath from his lungs.
“He really fancies me…” He choked out.
“Yes.” Lily said in a soft tone.
“It wasn’t a- a joke.”
“No, it wasn’t.”
“Or a phase…” Remus was startled. He felt as if he’d never again get enough air in his lungs to satisfy him.
“And what about you? Do you fancy him?”
Remus almost laughed. It was just that absurd that Lily was asking this. The answer came so clearly now that Remus would’ve thought that everyone within Hogwarts would know the instant it had popped into his brain.
“Yes.” Remus said. He felt a weight being taken off his shoulders and felt the air coming to his lungs again.
“So…are you going to tell him?”
“Tell him?” Remus’ air swooped out from his lungs again.
“Of course. I mean, now that you’ve admitted it to yourself and to me, why not tell him and be happy? You shouldn’t even be nervous. You already know he fancies you quite a bit, right?”
“Tell him?”
“Oh, really, Remus!” Lily huffed.
“Sorry…it’s just…so…odd?” Remus had no clue what he was saying anymore.
“Tell him.” Lily said leaning forward as she got up to leave.
“But-“
“Are you really going to ruin it for all us girls?” Lily asked. She looked oddly disappointed.
“Er? Ruin what?”
“Two pretty boys in love? What could be better, I ask you!” Lily said an odd glint in her eyes.
“Pretty boys? In love?” Remus almost squeaked. Almost.
“Yes. You’re both terribly handsome, you know. Well actually, you’re quite intriguing, but still very nice to look at...”
“Er…”
“Oh, just go. Snog him, shag him, just go!” Lily pulled on Remus’ sleeve and pushed him toward the portrait hole. So many things were in his mind as if an army of thoughts were marching steadily through his head.
“But…but he killed my book…”
Author: Whenwillyou
Pairings: Remus/Sirius and James/Lily
Rating: PG-PG-13
Summary: Hogwarts is putting on a play!
Chapter the Ninth
It had been two days since the play and still Sirius refused to tell James the whole story. Remus had barely spent five minutes in the same room as Sirius since that night and spoken only ten words to him. The only time he was around Sirius at all was during classes. Sirius was mad at James for this. He had promised that he and Remus would still be friends after all this, but there Remus was, tucked away in his own corner yet again.
“What in bloody hell did you do to him, Sirius?” James asked on the third day of being ignored by Remus.
“Nothing.”
“What did you say to him, then?”
“Nothing.”
“Sirius, for some reason I doubt that Remus would ignore us if you had done and said nothing at all.” James said.
“I-I thought you said he wouldn’t hate me.” Sirius tried to turn the blaming toward James instead.
“I thought he’d take it better than this. Sorry, mate.” James was at a loss of words, which rarely happened. They both sat in silence for a moment. Sirius looked out the window and James stared at his shoe. Both of them felt guilty.
“He asked me why I didn’t go out with anyone.” Sirius said finally.
“When?”
“Before the play,”
“And what did you say?”
“Nothing right then. But just before I kissed him for the play I said…I said that the reason was because the right person has never asked me.” Sirius licked his lips, which were dried and cracked.
“Wait so you kissed him? On the lips and everything?”
“Yeah…during the play. Right before I was supposed to die.”
“No wonder he’s ignoring us.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean that I’d be scared off too. I hate to say this, but I think Lily and I were wrong that the play was a perfect way to get you two together.”
“As if I hadn’t noticed that already.” Sirius huffed. James really did look apologetic, however, and Sirius couldn’t afford to lose another friend. He was already going nuts without Remus to talk to.
“I’m really sorry, Padfoot. I thought everything would turn out differently…”
“It’s ok, I shouldn’t have trusted something like this to your divination skills. We learned that a long time ago.” Sirius let a small smile form on his face as a peace offering, which James gladly returned.
“I wonder where he is while he’s ignoring us…” James pondered.
“If you really must know then take out the map, you twit.” Sirius said. James face brightened.
“Right you are, Sirius!” James touched his forefinger to his nose then pointed it at Sirius before going through his shoulder bag to look for the map. James studied it for a bit and then pointed at the secret passageway to the shrieking shack.
“I wonder why he’s there of all places.” Sirius looked at James with concern.
“I dunno…should we go fetch him?” James asked and Sirius nodded. They got up from their seats in the common room and had taken about three steps before someone jumped up to block them.
“What do you two think you’re doing?” Lily asked, her red hair falling around her shoulders as she crossed her arms over her chest.
“We’re going to go get Remus from his hiding spot.” James said. Sirius was trying to stifle his laughter at James, because since Lily had crossed her arms over her chest, James was trying, but failing, not to look there.
“No you’re not, and try looking at my face, Potter.” Lily said and James’ head snapped up.
“What? You can’t stop us. It’s not past curfew and it’s perfectly reasonable to take a walk out on the grounds.” Sirius said defensively. Lily’s face softened a bit.
“Sirius, unless you want him to keep running away, you’d better leave him be. He’s reacting just as I thought he might, but don’t take it as if he wants nothing to do with you. He needs some time to think things through. Let him work it out for himself. If you go chasing after him, he’ll just run. If you stand still, he’ll eventually come back.” Lily’s face looked sympathetic now as she smiled softly.
“It sounds a lot like someone I know.” Sirius smiled back.
“It does, doesn’t it?” She laughed a little.
“Wait, what? What did I just miss?” James asked confused.
“I have a feeling that you’ll figure it out, James” Sirius said, though James didn’t seem comforted by his word, Sirius knew he’d figure it out soon.
“So just hang in there, ok, Black?” Lily took on her normal tone with him and he smiled beside himself.
“Thanks, Evans.” Sirius left James and Lily alone and went back to his seat.
Sirius watched as James and Lily talked civilly, even friendly, some might say. Sirius decided that James was not so hopeless after all. His choice with the girl he fell in love with wasn’t all that bad after all.
After a few minutes had passed, Lily and James left to go have dinner, leaving Sirius pretty much alone in the common room since everyone else seemed to be hungry as well. Though his stomach was rumbling and hurt with hunger pangs, he stayed in his seat by the window, looking out on the grounds.
Minutes later, Sirius was vaguely aware that the portrait hole had opened, but he didn’t look over to it. He felt as if his feelings had been dulled down since the play. He believed that it was due to his lack-of-Remus. He must be having withdrawal symptoms…
He heard whoever it was who had come in stop for a moment and then walk away, presumably to the dormitories. Sirius thought that whoever it was had the right idea. Sleep sounded so good to him at the moment. His stomach gave another low growl and Sirius sighed. He looked toward his school bag that held three nights uncompleted homework. He felt absolutely no motivation to do anything that he used to do. Surely he was going through Moony withdrawals.
Sirius lay on the grass under his favorite tree by the lake. It was a sunny day and the breeze felt good and natural combing through his hair. The clouds formed odd shapes that Sirius couldn’t quite put his finger on. He felt so happy, so drunk with the feeling that it magnified even more. That’s when Remus came walking toward him. He sat down next to where Sirius lay. Sirius watched the wind blow through Remus’ hair as the boy stared out toward the lake.
Slowly, Sirius sits up, his hand reaching out toward the boy. Remus looked around, his bright amber eyes staring at Sirius’, unwavering. Sirius felt stunned for a moment at the brightness of Remus’ eyes; his hand stayed reaching out, frozen. But then a smile broke out on Remus’ face. The first genuine smile he had seen from Remus in a long time and Sirius felt so secure again as he moved his hand and touched Remus’ hair, gently. It was soft like he always thought it would be.
“Wake up, Sirius.” Remus said gently, but he repeats, his voice becoming more urgent. The sky turned dark suddenly and the clouds no longer friendly, unrecognizable shapes, but dark and scary.
“Wake up, Sirius.” James’ voice intercepts Sirius’ dream. He had fallen asleep in the armchair. He stretched lightly and yawned. James took him by the arm and helped him upstairs. Remus was already in bed, but James suspected he wasn’t asleep yet.
“James, let go.” Sirius tugged his arm away from his friend.
“Sirius, did you at least do some of your homework while we were at dinner, or did you just sleep?” James looked a bit mad.
“I slept.” James’ anger at him only made him angry, too.
“Sirius, you can’t just ignore it all.”
“I can and I am.” Sirius stripped down and got into his pajamas.
“No you bloody can’t!”
“I already said that I can, and I plan do to this until I feel like stopping.” Sirius was getting tired of arguing already.
“You need to stop, Sirius.” James voice was so quiet and small that it made Sirius pay attention, “You can’t keep on doing this self defeating thing you’re doing. It’s not fair to any of us, especially you.”
Sirius found that he had no more words that seemed to fit, and so he settled with just looking at James. James sighed and got into his own bed and turned out his lamp, leaving Sirius silently staring in the dark.
He couldn’t sleep at all that night. He stayed awake reading for a bit, hoping it’d put him to sleep as it usually did, but no luck was on his side lately. So he settled for sitting in the windowsill and looking across the grounds. The dew had settled on the grass long ago, causing it to look as if the stars had fallen from the sky and now lay painfully on the grounds.
~~~~~~~~~~
“You need to stop, Sirius.” James voice was quiet, “You can’t keep on doing this self defeating thing you’re doing. It’s not fair to any of us, especially you.”
After a few moments, Remus heard James crawl into bed and put out his lamp. Everything was quiet for a long time until he heard rustling coming from Sirius’ bed. He heard the familiar sound of a page turning and then silence once again until a moment later when it repeated itself.
Just as Remus’ eyelids were becoming heavy, he heard Sirius’ bed creak. Remus held his breathe, listening intently as the floorboards squeaked under Sirius’ weight. But the sound was traveling toward the window and not Remus’ bed. Remus let out his breath, slowly, carefully in disappointment. He missed having Sirius around. He missed how Sirius was irrational sometimes and he missed how he felt while around Sirius.
Of course it was his own fault that he no longer hung around Sirius. He could’ve talked it out with Sirius instead of ignore him and they would probably still be close friends as they once were. But the problem with that lay in the fact that Remus was severely confused. He couldn’t deny the fact that Sirius kissing him hadn’t completely revolted him, but he also couldn’t deny that he felt a little strange admitting this.
Remus heard Sirius sigh and felt a pang of guilt.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remus woke up early the next morning as he had done the past three days. He got up quietly and went toward the bathrooms. Sirius was sitting on the windowsill, wide-awake. Remus wondered if he had stayed up all night, but went on with his daily routine as always.
Sirius was still there when he came out, smelling fresh and clean, and James and Peter were now awake also. Remus dressed quickly and grabbed his shoulder bag and then darted out of the room. He had nowhere to be right away, so he went down to Breakfast. People commented that he looked particularly pale today and he shrugged it off. The full moon would begin that night, and he doubted that he would have Wormtail, Prongs, or Padfoot to keep him company.
After Remus succeeded in eating a bit of eggs, he moved on. The others would be down any minute and he wanted to be gone by the time they came. So he sat outside his first class of the day until the professor opened the door. He took his normal seat and waited for everyone else to come. The classroom filled quickly and just before the class started James and Peter darted in to their seats. Remus looked at them curiously. Sirius wasn’t there.
Remus was worried even though he wasn’t exactly on friendly terms with them at the moment. He ripped a bit of parchment from the corner of his parchement and wrote the first note he had ever written during class.
Where’s Sirius?
Remus passed the note to James, who looked up incredulously. He opened the note and Remus watched his eyes dart around a bit before taking his own quill and scribbling something back.
Claimed he didn’t feel well. Wormtail and I tried to shove him into the shower and out here, but couldn’t. That’s why we were so late. We didn’t even get breakfast.
Remus felt even guiltier than last night so he scribbled another note.
It’s all my fault, isn’t it? James, honestly, I’m worried about him. He’s usually so cheerful, nothing ever seems to penetrate that big head of his. Why did this do it?
James read for a moment and then seemed to ponder it before writing an answer.
He told me about him fancying you before anything ever happened. I offered to help him after the idea sunk in, but the most important thing to him seemed to be you. He wanted to keep you as a friend no matter what. Do you see, Remus?
James tossed the note back to Remus and over Peter, causing the professor to stare at the two of them for a moment. When the professor looked away, Remus opened the note and read.
So you were in on it?
Lily too.
Does anyone in the school not know about this? Should we make an announcement?
Remus, he likes you a lot. It’s not a phase. It’s not one of his rushed decisions. He likes you. And if you pull him around and lead him on, then I’m afraid that I will have to punch you in the nose.
Oh dear…
“Potter! Lupin! I know you’re doing something distracting back there. Stop it!” the professor shouted and Remus and James sank down in their seats. For once, Peter seemed tall.
Chapter the Tenth
Anyone who knew Sirius Black would say that he just wasn’t himself these days. Anyone who knew him at all would say he’s completely different. Yet almost no one would be able to name the exact date that he began to change because it had all happened so gradually and quietly.
James Potter, however, knew the exact day that his best friend began to change from a bustle of energy being contained in a young man’s body to wilting emotions. It was the day that Sirius Black fell in love with his friend, Remus Lupin.
James looked sullenly at Sirius who sat, as he almost always did these days, near a window. He settled for just staring out the window all day rather than ever going outside. His body, which had once looked like a young boy’s who was on the brink of his last growth spurt before he was fully grown, now looked almost small and lanky. He wasn’t eating much, and he surely wasn’t exercising. It had only been about four days since the play and yet, the difference from the Sirius before the play and the Sirius after the play was as big as night and day.
Sirius no longer lived to pull pranks and laugh with his mates. He just sort of…existed.
“Come on, Sirius. Let’s go outside for a bit.” James pleaded. Sirius’ want for solitude was driving him insane. James had hardly seen him all day, because Sirius had not come to any of his classes that day, much to the displeasure of all his teachers. James had told them all that he was sick, and he surely looked it.
“I want to stay inside, you go.” Sirius mumbled from his chair. He sat with his legs pulled up against his chest and his chin resting on his knees. James looked at him a moment, hoping he’d change his mind, but Sirius only sat there staring at him like an owl.
“Ok…see you at dinner.” James mumbled and went out the portrait hole to meet up with Peter outside.
Sirius thought, as he did a lot now a days. If there were a way to get Remus to just be around him again, everything would go back to normal. Sirius would force himself to think of Remus as only a friend, and nothing more. It was the only thing he could do.
Sirius looked outside again and remembered that the full moon was tonight. He wondered whether Remus would disagree to him coming along. Sirius let his mind wander until dinner. He wondered whether he should go down and eat, since he hadn’t eaten a single bite all day. His stomach answered ‘yes’.
Sirius went down a little late, hoping that most people would be gone by the time he got there. As he had hoped the Great Hall was on the empty side when he got there, but Remus, James, and Peter sat at the table eating. Sirius could tell that something was a bit off as soon as he set eyes on them. James looked strange. He had that look on his face that was usually saved just for Sirius when he messed up a prank badly and ended them up in detention. Maybe that was why Sirius thought it was strange to see it directed at Remus. Sirius walked up so that he was behind both James and Remus, Peter looked at him quickly and gave him a warning to stay back for a bit. Peter had been right, because just a second later James spoke angrily.
“You could talk to him for Merlin’s sake!” James voice was definitely angry.
“James-“
“You owe that much to him, at least. He’s the one who convinced Peter and I to go along with the whole animagus thing--”
“James, quieter, please!” Remus looked toward other people at the table to see if anyone had heard.
“--But you’re just completely ignoring him! I thought you’d be better about this. More open, at least.” James’ face was steadily getting redder with anger as he stared at Remus.
“What do you want from me?” Remus asked quietly. Sirius wanted to step in and tell James to back off. He wanted to say that it wasn’t Remus’ fault, or at least not completely. But Peter’s glance told him not to.
“I want you to talk to the damn boy! Just go back to the way things used to be.”
“I can’t do that, James. I wouldn’t be able to just go back to the way things were even if I wanted to.” Remus’ eyes were pleading and Sirius had to really hold himself back so that he didn’t step in. This fight was between Remus and James. Not him.
“Pretend that nothing ever happened, then! You’re making it out to be so hard, but it’s not. I think you’re just weak, Remus. Peter, you’d be able to shrug it off, wouldn’t you?” James asked, but didn’t take his eyes off Remus who seemed extremely uncomfortable.
“I already shrug off most things that you and Sirius do anyway…” Peter said honestly.
“See, Peter could do it.”
“That’s all hypothetical! If he was in the situation I’d love to see him even try! The same with you, James. You’d be in a right state!” Remus said with a slightly hysterical look in his eyes.
“The fact is that maybe you’re just not cut out to be a Marauder-“
“Sod off!” Remus lost his temper and got up. He turned around abruptly and smacked into Sirius. Sirius waited for a moment. Waited for Remus to explode at him, too. The explosion, however, did not come. Remus rubbed his head where it had intersected with Sirius’ nose and looked up to see who he had run into. When realization dawned on him, he blushed and muttered an ‘excuse me’ before rushing off.
“Damn prick, he is.” James muttered. He looked back down at his plate full of food, but had no more appetite.
“James…” Sirius began, but he doesn’t know what to say afterwards.
“What?” James snapped.
“Are you coming tonight?” Sirius asked in a small voice. James, of course, knew at once of what Sirius was speaking about. He looked toward the door in which Remus had just left for a moment before replying.
“No.” James didn’t look proud of his decision, but there was an air of defiance as he stood there looking at Sirius as if to challenge him in criticizing him for it. “Come on, Peter.”
Peter got up and followed James out hesitantly. Sirius sat down and sighed. The food evaporated from the table and Sirius’ stomach gave a low grumble. In all the time that they have been animagus, they have never missed a full moon once, except when forced to by miserably planned detentions. James was choosing not to come, though, and it looked as if he was taking Peter out of it, too. Sirius couldn’t do that, though. He couldn’t throw away years of friendship just because of this.
Remus had said so himself, once, that he was afraid of having no friends. Sirius wasn’t going to let that fear come true tonight.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remus rarely lost his cool, but tonight was certainly an exception. He had tolerated James’ yelling at him before tonight, but for some reason he had just snapped. He couldn’t fathom why. He had always been the cool headed one. The respectable, countable, prefect. Remus just had one question now…why him?
Remus had a few hours before sunset, so after his disastrous dinner he went to the library. He settled down in his favorite chair, the one Sirius always tried to take but always gave up after a pleading look from his friend, and took out a book. He carefully folded his legs under himself and let the book take its place on his thighs. He read peacefully for a bit, but was disturbed after only reading three chapters.
“Hey, Remus.” Remus looked up at the sound of his name. Lily leaned against a bookshelf, her shirt was untucked on the right side and her Gryffindor tie was loosened a bit. Her hair was in a loose ponytail and her skirt hung around her hips gently as she held a book. With her vibrant hair and eyes she looked oddly misplaced in the dim, dull library.
“Hello, Lily.” Remus couldn’t help but say his words stiffly. She had helped cause all the mayhem that was surrounding him lately.
“You mad at me?”
“No”
“You’re not a good liar, really.”
“I know.”
“Can I at least explain myself?” Lily asked watching Remus’ expressions carefully as she waited for Remus’ hesitant answer.
“Yeah.”
“Can I?” Lily pointed to the seat across from him.
“Yes.”
Lily sat down, laying the book on her lap. Remus tried to peer at the title or author, but Lily’s hands were placed strategically.
“I faked being sick during the play.”
“James told me already.”
“Did he?” Remus nodded. “Bugger, that little prat. Oh well. Anyway, I faked being sick so that Sirius could tell you how he felt about you. Did he?”
“Er…I suppose. In a way.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, er, earlier that day I had asked him why he didn’t accept any dates…He didn’t answer right then, but that’s kind of what I meant by the whole play thing. See, before he kissed me, as Romeo, he said that the reason he didn’t go out with anyone was because the right person hadn’t asked him yet. “
“Aww!”
“Lily…”
“Right, sorry. The girly thing won’t happen again, I swear.” Lily slapped a hand over her heart to back up her words, but Remus eyed her suspiciously before going on.
“Then he kissed me. He didn’t even use the thumb tip that the professor gave us…” Remus finished. Lily seemed to consider this for a moment. She looked down at the book that sat in her lap, but still didn’t move her hands from it.
“And so you’ve been avoiding him since then?” She asked at length.
“Yes.”
“How much do you think James likes me?”
“What?”
“Just answer.”
“He likes you quite a bit.” Remus had no clue as to where Lily was going with this, but did as he was told to do.
“Do you think he’d take risks to get me?”
“He already has, hasn’t he?” Remus half laughed and Lily nodded.
“Do you believe he’d die for me?”
“Lily, why-“
“Just answer.”
“Yes. Yes, I do.”
“Good. Because I do too.” Lily settled into her chair a bit more.
“Then why do you turn him down?” Remus was confused now.
“Sometimes people don’t see what’s right in front of them, Remus. Sometimes it takes time to see how much you’re loved…how important you are.”
“So you’re going out with James?”
“Yes, next time he asks me, I’m going to say yes.”
“That’s brilliant!”
“Yes.” Lily said evenly. Her eyes had not left him for even a second.
“Lily? Er…why’re you telling me this?”
“Because you’re like me in so many ways, Remus. It’s actually quite scary, you see. “ She said, looking down at her book.
“What d’you mean?”
“You’re running away from Sirius because he’s chasing you, correct?”
“I suppose it can be put like that…”
“And it’s taking you forever to realize that the reason he’s chasing you is because he cares--loves--you so much.”
“Well-“
“And you’re afraid of what other people will think if you take that chance and risk as much as he’s risking for you.”
“Lily…”
“You know all of this, yet you’re not making any sort of move. I know all of this, and I’m beginning to see that I want to make a move. It’s only a matter of time until you do the same.”
“But-“
“I’d better be going, Remus. I’ll see you around more now, I suppose.” Lily stood up and smiled at him. She turned around and began to walk away but before she was three steps away she turned back to face him. “Would you mind putting this away for me?” Lily handed him the book that she had and then walked out of the library.
Remus looked down at the copy of Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet that Lily had just handed him and sighed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sirius had gone back up to the common Room, figuring that Remus would’ve done the same. But when Sirius got there Remus was nowhere in sight. This had Sirius pretty worried so he decided to try and convince Peter to come with him to the Shrieking Shack so that Remus wouldn’t feel friendless.
“Hey, Peter, you’re coming tonight, aren’t you?” Sirius asked. James, who was sitting nearby, huffed. Peter’s gaze glanced over to James for a moment.
“I…I don’t think so.”
“What? Peter, come now, you have to.”
“If I do, James’ll hex me to oblivion.”
“Peter, please? For Remus?”
“Er…”
“Oblivion is fun, really. You see all sorts of wild colors and shapes. You’d love it, Pete!”
“Er…”
“Oh fine, go on and take James’ side. And go shag him, see if I care!” Sirius huffed and walked away hearing Peter stuttering madly away and James shouting “Sod off, Sirius!” at the top of his lungs.
Sirius tripped out the portrait hole and cursed splendidly. Trying to convince Peter had made him late. To add to all his frustration, James had refused to lend Sirius his invisibility cloak and had hidden the Marauder’s Map. So Sirius made his way through the castle, as quietly and quickly as he could.
Sirius reached the Great Oak Doors a few moments later and opened them cautiously, in case they were to make any noise. The night’s air swarmed around him and made him dizzy with happiness. He hadn’t been outside in the fresh air for days, which was quite possibly the longest time he had gone without it. He breathed it in, feeling instantly better.
He could smell the rain on the air, but it only made him happier. He loved good violent storms.
That’s when his body started itching to move. The energy that he had been pushing low down to the bottom of his soul was now threatening to come bouncing out, returning his presence to the normal bustling levels of energy that he usually had. He sniffed at the air and then stretched his arms out. He broke out into a run toward the Whomping Willow. His legs ran in the pattern that they always had and his breath evened out as it normally did. He found it funny that his body could remember such things even though it was out of practice and seemed run down.
When Sirius reached the Whomping Willow, he began to look for a long stick to poke the knot with. He found one in some bushes and rushed to the tree. The moon had been out for a half hour now and Sirius was worried about Remus. He quickly poked the knot, watched the tree shiver and then go still, and dived through the hole.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remus waited. He paced about a bit. Bit his nails down to stubs. He even fixed the bed’s sheets from last month. But still, not one of his friends came. He resisted the pull of the moon as he always did, but this time he resisted it out of fear. He hadn’t spent a full moon completely alone since his third year at Hogwarts. He had thought that his friends would come, even if they weren’t on such great terms with each other.
“I messed up…” he said aloud to no one in particular. The wind was blowing outside as it often does before a big storm is to come, and the wood building creaked beneath the harsh wind. It was a bit chilly, yet Remus was sweating. He was beginning to panic. He was afraid of being alone like this. He had spent a whole childhood like this…just waiting for the moon to give its final pull and turn him into a monster. With his friends around it hadn’t seemed like that at all. It made him feel as if he were simply transforming into his own animagus state instead of turning into a dark creature. But now, when he was alone, he truly believed that he was turning into a monster.
Remus quivered as he felt his bones shifting shapes and growing. The pain was unbelievable when it came right down to it. The fur that grew on his body itched terribly, and hence, the claws grew and were used. Remus’ throat was roughly itching. Something deep in him wanted to howl. It was the monster, Remus panicked, that he was becoming. It wanted everyone within distance to know he was here. It wanted to terrify people. It wanted blood.
Remus tried to swallow back the howl, but it was no use. It came out raspy and threatening, and it tore at his throat. But soon he felt no more pain, and he thought no more human thoughts. He was the wolf, now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sirius had changed into his dog form once he had ducked into the tunnel that lead to the Shrieking Shack. He could smell Remus even from the beginning of the tunnel. Not the quiet boy he knew, but the wolf. They had distinct smells, and he knew right then that he smelled the wolf, because its smell was slightly coppery, as was blood. Sirius had to do this right if he was going to come away mostly unharmed. He had to change back to his boy form to unlock the door and open it. So he had to change back to the dog quickly before the wolf could pounce. The tricky part was that the wolf would smell him from way off, and would be expecting him. They would fight until one overcame the other, but they’d recognize each other as pack members so no real harm would come of it.
Sirius changed back to normal a few steps away. He unlocked and opened the door quickly and changed back as fast as he could. His tail had just finished growing when he was knocked over by the wolf. They tumbled and ultimately, Sirius was pinned. He whimpered his defeat and the wolf let him up. The wolf was restless tonight, and Sirius couldn’t be sure that he could keep him in check. Usually it was James, the stag, who was able to keep him behaving. So Sirius nuzzled the door shut as soon as he could, He needed the wolf to stay in tonight. Sirius made a big show of lying down and the wolf watched on as he did so, and just as Sirius had hoped, the wolf followed his example. It laid down and went to sleep.
Sirius pondered over this as the night passed. Why had the wolf given in so easily? He had though that it’d be harder to get the wolf to oblige, but it had taken close to no effort in convincing him.
Sirius’ eyes began to droop, finally, and he let them close lazily. A few moments later he was fast asleep with the wolf curled up next to him, dozing.
Chapter the Eleventh
Remus woke up the next morning, groggy and sorer than he had been in years. Having James, Peter, and Sirius around for his transformations had kept him from tearing at himself for so long, but when none of them had appeared this time Remus had felt more than just physical pain.
The door to the Shack creaked and Remus wondered, dazedly, who it was since it was much to early for Madame Pomfrey to come and fix him up. His curiosity dwindled away as a boy with black hair soaked from head to toe came through the door. Sirius looked tired and overworked as he crossed the room not realizing that Remus was awake. He set a bowl full of water with a small white washcloth hanging out the side on Remus’ bedside table and finally looked toward Remus.
“Oh,” Sirius said, his eyes bright and wide, “You’re awake?”
“Yeah.” Remus tried shifting a bit on the uncomfortable mattress, but pain shot through his muscles and skin.
“Don’t move too much. It looks like you scratched yourself up pretty badly last night.” Sirius dipped the towel into the bowl and squeezed the excess water out. With a hesitant look toward Remus he shuffled closer to the bed. “I brought a towel and some water to clean you up with.” He said his face looked fairly flushed.
“Oh. Right.” Remus then realized that he was naked underneath the thin blanket.
“I also brought a spare change of clothes for you.” Sirius looked down at the corner of the room where a heap of torn ratty looking clothes laid.
“My favorite jumper!” Remus let out a mournful sigh at the sight of his favorite blue jumper that lay in rags on the floor.
Sirius let Remus mourn his jumper for a few seconds before he indicated toward Remus’ chest. Remus let out a small ‘oh!’ and then pulled the blanket down to the middle of his stomach, afraid to go any lower. His stomach was a general red color from all the cuts and scrapes that puffed up horribly. Sirius began to gently clean up the smeared blood and cuts cringing the whole time.
“I tried to be here in time…” Sirius didn’t look Remus in the eyes as he spoke, “But I didn’t make it. I’m sorry.”
Remus thought that it was quite possibly the only time he had ever seen Sirius so vulnerable. He looked absolutely small and reserved and was acting quite a bit like Peter. It was as if all their history had been erased and they were starting over, timid and meek as they had been on the train on the ride to their first year at Hogwarts. All at once he missed the ease they used to have with each other. The way they would lean against each other with no thought as to ‘boys don’t touch each other like this’ or ‘this isn’t natural’. They had simply touched each other. They had always slung arms around each other’s shoulders and bumped their growing legs together without any real thought to it. But now, with Sirius running the clothe along his stomach, he felt every touch meant something or had some sort of purpose behind it. It made his skin crawl. But he realized that the crawling sensation didn’t feel all that bad, really.
“It’s ok.” Remus’ voice had somehow spoken of it’s own accord. How could he just let Sirius off that easily? It seemed that Sirius had always had that power over him. No matter how much Sirius yelled at him or how harsh he was, Remus would say, “it’s ok”.
“No, it’s not. We all promised you we’d be here for you no matter what the circumstances. We failed. I failed.” He concluded. He truly looked as if he might pass out.
“Sirius-“
“I mean, of course I tried to get them to come, but you know how James can get. All annoying and prudish. Big wanker, that one.” Sirius mumbled as he dipped the cloth back into the bowl. They both fell head first into an awkward silence. For just a moment, they had forgotten themselves. They had begun to feel like nothing had ever happened but were soon kicked back to reality making it uncomfortable and awkward once again.
Remus felt as though he wanted to scream at Sirius. He wanted to shout at him for ruining their bonded boyishness that the four of them had shared before now. He wanted to shout that he was so confused that he would probably prefer having never been born. He wanted to scream that he wanted things to go back to the way they had been before. But he didn’t scream about any of those. Instead, when his voice finally spoke it was soft and a bit timid.
“I don’t know what to say to you anymore.”
Sirius looked up at Remus’ face for only the second time since he had walked through the door. His grey eyes looked so mixed that Remus couldn’t tell what he felt.
“Say anything you’d like.” Sirius replied obviously trying to act coolly. His gaze went back down to Remus’ pale stomach and chest as he put the cool clothe back in its place.
“I don’t want to just say anything.”
“Well, then don’t say anything at all.”
“I want to say something, though.”
“You can’t do it all at once.” Sirius sounded reasonable. Sirius sounded very unlike himself. Before Remus could realize it, they had fallen back into the awkward silence that always seemed to happen when Remus talked to anyone but James, Peter, and Sirius. But now he feared that it might happen with everyone he talked to.
“Why did you come? You know, if James and Peter refused to come, why did you come?” Remus asked. Sirius seemed to be concentrating on the now bloodstained clothe and didn’t answer right away.
“Because,” he stopped to think for a moment more, “well…I don’t know, really. I felt I owed it to you, I suppose.” Sirius noticed a rather large cut on Remus’ arm that was slowly leaving a trail of blood down his arm and onto the bed sheet, and went after it with his now reddish-pink cloth. He wiped the blood away and then went out the door quickly into a separate room and came back with a bandage cloth, which he wrapped around Remus’ arm.
Remus watched as Sirius busied himself with small tasks that usually would be too trivial to pursue. He really was acting quite odd. A roll of thunder sounded quite suddenly and Remus cursed for being so damn jumpy because it hurt to move so much.
“It’s raining?” Remus asked.
“It’s been raining practically all night. It’s gotten less stormy, though. Only a bit of thunder and lightening every now and then.” Sirius said as he went to the closest window. He pulled back the curtains so that Remus could look out.
Remus always got sad during big storms. He became nostalgic. At his old house, the one he had lived in as a kid, there had been a nice back porch with a hood above it. His parents used to take him out there with pillows and blankets. They would all settle down, and Remus would snuggle up to them and they’d all watch the lightening and listen to the thunder. But as he grew older, his parents stopped going out during storms. He had thought of asking them to join him again, but somehow he never had the courage.
That was his problem. He never said what he should and never did what he felt like doing. He played cool when underneath he was seething. Somehow while growing up he must have missed an important lesson. The lesson of being able to show ones emotions more efficiently. Remus cursed himself for missing the lesson.
“I’ll see you around.” Sirius’ voice woke Remus from his thoughts. His words were so vague. It used to be ‘See you in Potions!’ or things like that. Things were never so vague.
“Ok.” Remus said and watched as Sirius opened the door. “Hey, Sirius?”
“Yeah?” Sirius turned around a moment. A glint of hope shone brightly in his eyes.
“Thanks for coming. It doesn’t matter that you were late.” Remus hoped his face reflected how truly grateful he was
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sirius closed the door behind him and let out a long, low sigh. It had gone better than he had thought. He had thought that maybe Remus would have been mad. But he didn’t seem to be mad. On the contrary, he seemed more friendly and accepting than he had been in days. But that only gave Sirius hope.
Seeing Remus lying in bed, all scared up, made him cringe inwardly. It had always frightened him a bit, that his friend got hurt so badly every month. That was the reason he had gone to James saying that they [i]had[/i] to do [i]something[/i]. That was the reason Sirius could turn into Padfoot.
So Padfoot walked back through the darkened tunnel. The stench of dirt was more prominent than usual and it filled his nostrils until he could no longer smell Remus. The dirt was softer than usual, also. He finally reached the entrance, and with a few cracking bones he was back to Sirius. He ran back up to the castle, his hair and clothes soaking through in just a few seconds. When he reached the Great Oak doors he pushed them open and ran the whole way back to the Gryffindor common room.
“How’s he doing?” James’ voice asked almost immediately after Sirius tumbled through the portrait hole. Sirius stood up, wrung some water out of his shirt and onto his shoes. He ran a hand through his soaked hair to get it out of his face and then finally looked up at James.
“He’s been better.” Sirius said stiffly.
“It’s not my fault th-“
“Shut up, James. It’s our entire fault. We all promised him on the Marauder’s honor. “ Sirius said.
“Once didn’t kill him, did it? And now he knows that Peter and I are serious about him over reacting.” James said, but Sirius saw the brief look of guilt that crossed his face.
“James, you didn’t see him.” Sirius said as he crossed the room and plopped down in front of the fire to dry off a bit. James followed him and sat down beside him.
“I feel bad for not coming, Sirius, but…I don’t know. I was being an arse.” James said.
“I know.” Whether Sirius was referring to him feeling bad or being an arse, James didn’t know. But he loved Sirius for saying it.
“Was it…bad?”
“He had cuts all over.” Sirius put his head in his hands, combing back his hair.
“Was it worse than that one time he got loose?”
“Much worse.”
“Oh, God…”
“I cleaned him up a bit, but…you know, only his chest and arms.”
“I should apologize to him.” James said softly.
“You should.” Sirius said a bit coldly. James nodded. He deserved the coldness more than anyone he could think of.
“Did you two talk at all?”
“A bit. You know…I told him I was sorry for being late. And we talk about the rain for a bit. He said he doesn’t know what to say to me anymore.” Sirius said.
“I wouldn’t know what to say either, if I were him.” James said, causing Sirius to look up at him.
“What with my brilliant subtle confession of being gay and fancying him all in about five seconds’ time?”
“Of course.”
“Why can’t I ever be subtle? Is it something that normal people have built into their minds or something?”
“No, you just learn to be.”
“Why can’t I ever learn, then?”
“Don’t know, mate.” James laughed and realized that it was the first time he had laughed in a few days.
They sat in front of the fire for a while longer to wait until Sirius was dry again and didn’t smell like a wet dog. After he was indeed dry, they got up and started for the Great Hall when they realized that Lily was sitting on the sofa directly in back of them. Sirius saw James blush a little out of the corner of his eyes.
“Ah, Evans…How much did you hear?” Sirius asked, lacking subtlety. They should have been more careful, talking about Moony, even if it was really early morning.
“Quite a bit, actually.” Lily sat there on the sofa, her arms crossed over her chest.
“What parts?” James asked.
“Enough to where I’m curious as to why Lupin has cuts.” Lily looked at the two of them who looked at each other and then back to her.
“Er…”
“I’ll know if you’re lying, you know. Girls’ intuition and all that.”
“He was cutting himself. You know…er…self-mutilation.” Sirius tried.
“Liar. Next excuse?”
“We can’t tell you. We’ve promised Remus and we’re not going to break that.” James said confidently. To Sirius and James’ surprise, Lily looked at him, smiling.
“I’ll accept that answer, but I’ll have you know that I will find out some day.” Lily said darkly.
“Maybe so, but he won’t be able to blame it on us.” Sirius shrugged. His stomach growled and he wanted to go down and get something to eat, but it seemed as if James wanted to keep talking to Lily.
“Why do you care, anyway?” James asked.
“Because I’m friends with Remus, too. It’s not like you’re the only ones allowed to be friends with him.” Lily shrugged. Sirius’ stomach gave another low rumble.
“Well, maybe-“
“Hey, James, uh, yeah. I’ll be downstairs stuffing my face. You can stay up here if you want, though.” Sirius said waving quickly at James’ blinking eyes. “See you in a bit.” Sirius said and turned quickly and was on his way.
Sirius nipped down the stairs and went through the corridors until he finally reached the Great Hall. He breathed in the smell of bacon, toast, eggs, jams, and pumpkin juice. His stomach gave yet another low growl. He sat down and started shoveling food into his mouth.
A few moments later, Peter came and sat down across from Sirius. He looked quite tired and as if he had literally just rolled out of bed and came down to eat. His thin, blonde hair stuck up at odd angles and he had dark circles under his eyes. He yawned and then promptly pulled a plate toward him and began to pile food on it.
“Had a good sleep, did you?” Sirius asked in-between mouthfuls of food.
“Yeah…” Peter said. As Sirius looked on at his friend he thought. They were all growing up, weren’t they? There were small trails of proof left behind along the way, but all of them were too small to be noticed until it had been done and completed. Even Peter was taller now, and a bit more angular. It seemed as if he had finally lost most of his baby fat.
Sirius wondered when it had begun to happen. When had they all began to grow up and apart? Where there had once been four inseparable friends that only seemed to mimic each other now were four separable individuals who had four separate and distinct personalities. It was amazing, really, that they had all missed it.
“We’re falling apart, aren’t we?” Sirius asked his plate of eggs. The eggs answered in a small ‘glop’ sort of sound. Sirius huffed at them and shoved them away from him.
Chapter the Twelfth
“Why is it that all of you seem to think that informing me of things like this is useless?” Sirius asked clearly agitated at James and Peter later that day after Muggle studies.
“I don’t know…I guess I forgot about it.” James shrugged.
“I don’t want to put on another performance!” Sirius said loudly so that people who were walking close to him took a step or two away.
“Well, you’re going to have to unless you want a horrible grade.”
“Why’s the professor doing this to me-eeee?” Sirius wailed.
“He’s not doing it to you, you twit. Dumbledore liked the play and thought it’d be a good idea to put it on once more so that everyone who didn’t get a chance to see it could see it this weekend.” James tried to be sensible.
“But WHY???” Sirius was in his dramatic mode. Nothing could stop him now. Except for a timid cough that came from behind him.
“I’m not playing Juliet for the last scene this time ‘round.” Remus’ voice said sternly. Sirius and the others spun around and saw Remus standing there, his bag slung over his right shoulder, with a twisted sort of smile on his face. He looked sickly, but not nearly as bad as that morning when Sirius had cleaned him up a bit.
“You sure about that, Lupin?” James asked in a teasing voice.
“Absolutely.” Remus replied. Sirius couldn’t help it. A smile burst out on his face and he had no control over it. He stupidly grinned at all of them. The horrible fight was finally over. He couldn’t believe that it was this simple. Just like that, they were friends again. So Remus walked in-between Peter and Sirius to their next class.
“Hey, Remus?” James voice said from the other side of Sirius.
“Yes, James?”
“I’m sorry that Peter and I didn’t come last night. We’re bastards. You can remind us whenever you like.”
“I was going to go, but James was going to hex me into oblivion if I did.”
“Yes, but I told you that oblivion was fun, so really you’re not off the hook.”
“But I wanted to go!”
“No you didn’t! You wanted to stay with me and play chess all night!”
“Will you all shut up? I still have a terrible headache.”
“But I wanted to GO!”
“All right, Peter. Don’t throw a hissy fit.”
“I wasn’t throwing a fit. Hissy or otherwise.”
“You were. Don’t deny it.”
“Shut up already!”
“Sorry.”
“Yeah, sorry.”
“I wanted to go.”
“You wanted to play chess.”
“ARGH!”
“Oops, sorry. We’re shutting up, now.”
After the morning classes were over, Sirius, James, Remus, and Peter all went outside to sit beneath their favorite tree to spend their break together for the first time in almost a week. Remus was too happy to be with them all again to think back on the last few times he had been here. He was happy, for the moment, to just listen to the others bicker. He had gone through a lot of arguing to be released as soon as he had been earlier that morning. Madame Pomfrey was hardly pleased with letting him go. But Madame Pomfrey fled from his mind as he watched Sirius and James throw bits of grass at each other, laughing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A few days later Remus was sitting in the common room reading a book. He sat with his legs under himself, an elbow stuck on the armrest, and his chin supported by his hand. He was quite comfortable. That is, until James and Sirius came hurtling through the portrait hole. It seemed as if Sirius was chasing James, but for what Remus couldn’t think. His theory, however, of Sirius chasing James, was proven when James launched himself at Remus and tried to hide in his one-person seat.
“Quit hiding, James! Fight like a man!” Sirius said.
“Remus, hide me!” James tried to burrow into Remus.
“Ow! James, get out of my chair.”
“I’m counting to five and then I’m coming in after you.” Sirius warned.
“Oh, God, no.”
“One.”
“Sirius, please don’t do this!” Remus was tangled with James’ limbs and couldn’t get up.
“Two.”
“Leave me alone, Sirius!” It was amazing that James’ words came out so clear seeing as how his face was stuffed in the cushions.
“Three.”
“Sirius…”
“Four.”
“You’ll hurt me, too! Sirius, come on…no hurting innocent bystanders.” Remus tried to reason, but he knew it wouldn’t work. He braced himself for impact.
“FIVE!” Sirius launched himself at the chair, which held James and Remus. It all seemed to happen in the blink of an eye. The chair toppled over backwards and Remus and James had the wind knocked out of them. Remus also thought that maybe Sirius’ sharp, bony elbow had punctured a hole straight through his stomach. At least that was what it felt like.
Remus coughed a few times to see if he could breath. It seemed as if James was doing the same as he. Sirius, however, sat on top of them, proudly, his tongue practically lolling out of his mouth. “Justice is done!”
“James, whatever you did to deserve that, I’m going to do five times worse to you.” Remus muttered as he wriggled out from beneath the other two who were now wrestling a bit. Once he was standing and had brushed himself off he looked down at the mess.
“Ow, you prat!” James’ gleeful yell came from somewhere in the mess.
“Honestly, you two…” Remus said.
“Ow, something’s poking me in the back.” Sirius said and rolled over a bit to reveal Remus’ book all torn and bent. As soon as James and Sirius realized what it was, they jumped to their feet and ran.
“Come back here, you book killers!” Remus shouted at their retreating backs, but they were too far-gone. So Remus bent down to try and salvage his book.
“Rough time, eh?”
“Rough is surely not strong enough of a word for what just happened…” Remus said. He didn’t need to look up to know it was Lily. It seemed that she was always popping up at odd times, lately.
“Is it ruined?”
“Pretty much.” Remus held the book up for her to see and a few pages fell from it.
“Sorry for your loss.” Lily said, but her mouth twitched at the corners.
“No worries.” Remus sighed as he picked up the pages that had fallen.
“You want to sit down and talk for a bit?” Lily asked, her face seemed fairly innocent, but Remus still wasn’t sure.
“Er…”
“Come on. I want to sit and talk.”
“Okay…” Remus sat as he was told but did so stiffly.
“So…have you told Sirius yet?” Lily asked conversationally.
“Told him what?”
“That you fancy him.” She said simply.
“Er…no.”
“Why not?”
“Because I don’t fa-“
“Remus, ok, just take a step backwards for a moment and look at you life.”
“Uh, ok. Step back has been taken. I’m…er…looking at my life.” Remus was uncomfortable and Lily rolled her eyes.
“Remus, the fact is that it’s kind of obvious that you two like each other.”
“What? No it isn’t.”
“It is too. That’s why Charlotte broke up with you, you know. Because she thought that you liked Sirius, really, and were just going out with her because you felt bad for her.”
“No! That’s not it at all!”
“You two just…fit, you know?”
“No, I don’t know.” Remus said flatly.
“You two have no problem getting along like James and Sirius do. They’re fine most of the time, but they clash every so often. You and Sirius don’t do that. You’re gentler with each other. More loving, even.”
“We are not ‘loving’!”
“Remus, it’s just me. You don’t have to worry about being all macho-like. Actually, girls like it better when you boys don’t act that way…” Lily pondered for a moment before snapping back to reality. “You can admit it to me. You want to, don’t you?”
Remus thought for a moment. He did as Lily told him to do beforehand. He took a step back from his life and examined it for a moment. It was true. Sirius had never tried to comfort James as he did Remus. His tactics for helping James in times of need were pure distraction, but when Remus was upset, he talked things through with him. He never curled up with James when he felt sick, but he did so with Remus. He never accidentally touched James’ knee under the table, took it away, but then put it back there to rest as his ears turned a bit pink. As Remus sat there across from Lily he realized that everything she had said was true. All the signs he had missed before now rushed to the front of his mind, almost knocking the breath from his lungs.
“He really fancies me…” He choked out.
“Yes.” Lily said in a soft tone.
“It wasn’t a- a joke.”
“No, it wasn’t.”
“Or a phase…” Remus was startled. He felt as if he’d never again get enough air in his lungs to satisfy him.
“And what about you? Do you fancy him?”
Remus almost laughed. It was just that absurd that Lily was asking this. The answer came so clearly now that Remus would’ve thought that everyone within Hogwarts would know the instant it had popped into his brain.
“Yes.” Remus said. He felt a weight being taken off his shoulders and felt the air coming to his lungs again.
“So…are you going to tell him?”
“Tell him?” Remus’ air swooped out from his lungs again.
“Of course. I mean, now that you’ve admitted it to yourself and to me, why not tell him and be happy? You shouldn’t even be nervous. You already know he fancies you quite a bit, right?”
“Tell him?”
“Oh, really, Remus!” Lily huffed.
“Sorry…it’s just…so…odd?” Remus had no clue what he was saying anymore.
“Tell him.” Lily said leaning forward as she got up to leave.
“But-“
“Are you really going to ruin it for all us girls?” Lily asked. She looked oddly disappointed.
“Er? Ruin what?”
“Two pretty boys in love? What could be better, I ask you!” Lily said an odd glint in her eyes.
“Pretty boys? In love?” Remus almost squeaked. Almost.
“Yes. You’re both terribly handsome, you know. Well actually, you’re quite intriguing, but still very nice to look at...”
“Er…”
“Oh, just go. Snog him, shag him, just go!” Lily pulled on Remus’ sleeve and pushed him toward the portrait hole. So many things were in his mind as if an army of thoughts were marching steadily through his head.
“But…but he killed my book…”