(no subject)
I feel bound to others, like I am never going to be able to live independently of another person, I need friends, I need enemies, I need people around me to validate my existence, and my self worth, I look to others to dictate who I want to be.
I spend a lot of time thinking, coming up with ways, and reasons why I am who I am, I have thought I had it figured out so many times, and this may just be another time, but I can never know for sure. I have looked at myself, and how when I am with my friends in our little close-knit group, and can be such a stupid, dorky spazz, I hate it so much, it happens when i get too comfortable with people, and whether or not they don't mind, I don't care, it's not who I want to be. Them I take a look at myself in any situation where I know people, and even don't know them, and I am so much calmer, so much more in control of who I want to be, I guess because I don't care with those people, I know what I can always get online or wait until the weekend and have my same best friends....but maybe not. Maybe the reason I get all flustered around them is because I don't trust them, like I am always being judged, like someone is always saying "Yeah, Brent said this, and it was really creepy." or "I can't even believe he did that, and he thinks he is going to hang around us.", maybe, that's what it is, that I don't feel like anyone can be trusted, that all of them could be talking about me, but the only ones that matter are the ones I care about...if that's the case, people I care about are limited down to about 3 close friends, and maybe get extended to an adult here or there. I guess I don't really feel safe in life, I don't feel like anyone really has my back, and words, and even actions could hardly do anything to prove otherwise, I need to get special vibes off people before I even consider them worth my time. Arrogant, yes. Do I care, no.
I mean, I guess I get all of this from people, I listen to a lot. People you know, people you don't know, people you love, those you hate, if you read this journal, I have probably been a confidant to you in some manner or another, and I hear how disatisfied you are with one another, what is to keep you from hating me. I exagerate.
People will never live up to your expectations, ever. Nothing is ever as perfect as it seems in your head, take a lesson from Chuck Palanhiuk (sp.). This friend never values you as much as you think, this person never hates you as much as you want, this group doesn't see you as kewl as you wish you were, and the other doesn't see you as dorky as you feel. We are all our own worst enemies, not just me, even though I claim to think a lot, it's much the same as the rest of you. I noticed a trend recently where I found myself, and others I was talking to saying "Wow, me too!", or "I am the same way!" No shit, the world is full of people who think and feel the same thing from different perspectives, and yes that makes perfect sense, don't question it. We are all in the same boat, pretty much, on the most basic level, which is why it is so damned hard to find people worth socializing with, interesting people. I have been blessed in that aspect.
I know why I am the way I am now, at least in the most important way to me. This might ruin your view of me, or fix it, or change it in some way, it doesn't matter, if you don't want to know, don't read.
I grew up without a mother, I lacked that caring that most children get when growing up. I had an asshole for a father, who worked as a machinist, and thanks to his charisma, worked his way up to office jobs, and even VP of a company for a few years, point being, my father is an ass, and master bullshitter, never scared to pull the wool over anyones eyes. Sure, I had a step mother, I had girlfriends, but I never felt like I had a mother, I grew up like I had no mother, so I sought this type of caring by looking to other females. I always liked hanging out with girls more than guys, interpret that as you wish, but I know for a fact the reasons are as follows:
Females are more caring, they care about you, not about looking better than you or, who else might be better, for the most part.
They are more sensitive. For all I know, I could have been just a normal asshole kid, but since I never got to flex my "nice" muscle in a normal way as a child, I grew up showing it off to anyone who would pay attention. Who eats up nice? Girls.
I associate women with mothers. Simple as that, not even women, girls, friends that are girls. It's why I never get jealous about guy friends chilling, but if girl friend of mine isn't paying attention to me, I get all bent out of shape, I feel like I need to be number 1 to somebody, as someones son, becuase my father never did a good job of that either, as most fathers don't, which is why we have a mother.
Basically, I need attention, and I associate attention with women, since they are mothers. I never had one, so I seek that endlessly, even in girls my own age. Perhaps it is not that I want a wife or girlfriend, so much as a mother to set me where I need to be, in order to be well adjusted. Thanks for rating my story Greg and Amanda, btw.
I spend a lot of time thinking, coming up with ways, and reasons why I am who I am, I have thought I had it figured out so many times, and this may just be another time, but I can never know for sure. I have looked at myself, and how when I am with my friends in our little close-knit group, and can be such a stupid, dorky spazz, I hate it so much, it happens when i get too comfortable with people, and whether or not they don't mind, I don't care, it's not who I want to be. Them I take a look at myself in any situation where I know people, and even don't know them, and I am so much calmer, so much more in control of who I want to be, I guess because I don't care with those people, I know what I can always get online or wait until the weekend and have my same best friends....but maybe not. Maybe the reason I get all flustered around them is because I don't trust them, like I am always being judged, like someone is always saying "Yeah, Brent said this, and it was really creepy." or "I can't even believe he did that, and he thinks he is going to hang around us.", maybe, that's what it is, that I don't feel like anyone can be trusted, that all of them could be talking about me, but the only ones that matter are the ones I care about...if that's the case, people I care about are limited down to about 3 close friends, and maybe get extended to an adult here or there. I guess I don't really feel safe in life, I don't feel like anyone really has my back, and words, and even actions could hardly do anything to prove otherwise, I need to get special vibes off people before I even consider them worth my time. Arrogant, yes. Do I care, no.
I mean, I guess I get all of this from people, I listen to a lot. People you know, people you don't know, people you love, those you hate, if you read this journal, I have probably been a confidant to you in some manner or another, and I hear how disatisfied you are with one another, what is to keep you from hating me. I exagerate.
People will never live up to your expectations, ever. Nothing is ever as perfect as it seems in your head, take a lesson from Chuck Palanhiuk (sp.). This friend never values you as much as you think, this person never hates you as much as you want, this group doesn't see you as kewl as you wish you were, and the other doesn't see you as dorky as you feel. We are all our own worst enemies, not just me, even though I claim to think a lot, it's much the same as the rest of you. I noticed a trend recently where I found myself, and others I was talking to saying "Wow, me too!", or "I am the same way!" No shit, the world is full of people who think and feel the same thing from different perspectives, and yes that makes perfect sense, don't question it. We are all in the same boat, pretty much, on the most basic level, which is why it is so damned hard to find people worth socializing with, interesting people. I have been blessed in that aspect.
I know why I am the way I am now, at least in the most important way to me. This might ruin your view of me, or fix it, or change it in some way, it doesn't matter, if you don't want to know, don't read.
I grew up without a mother, I lacked that caring that most children get when growing up. I had an asshole for a father, who worked as a machinist, and thanks to his charisma, worked his way up to office jobs, and even VP of a company for a few years, point being, my father is an ass, and master bullshitter, never scared to pull the wool over anyones eyes. Sure, I had a step mother, I had girlfriends, but I never felt like I had a mother, I grew up like I had no mother, so I sought this type of caring by looking to other females. I always liked hanging out with girls more than guys, interpret that as you wish, but I know for a fact the reasons are as follows:
Females are more caring, they care about you, not about looking better than you or, who else might be better, for the most part.
They are more sensitive. For all I know, I could have been just a normal asshole kid, but since I never got to flex my "nice" muscle in a normal way as a child, I grew up showing it off to anyone who would pay attention. Who eats up nice? Girls.
I associate women with mothers. Simple as that, not even women, girls, friends that are girls. It's why I never get jealous about guy friends chilling, but if girl friend of mine isn't paying attention to me, I get all bent out of shape, I feel like I need to be number 1 to somebody, as someones son, becuase my father never did a good job of that either, as most fathers don't, which is why we have a mother.
Basically, I need attention, and I associate attention with women, since they are mothers. I never had one, so I seek that endlessly, even in girls my own age. Perhaps it is not that I want a wife or girlfriend, so much as a mother to set me where I need to be, in order to be well adjusted. Thanks for rating my story Greg and Amanda, btw.