it's over
It's hard to let go once you feel comfortable with something. Really hard. The past six months has been a void of ups and downs. Most of the time... it was good. I thought I could be content and happy with what I had. But nothing is worse than pain, and for me, even though joy would change to pain on a daily basis, I stayed with it anyway. I figured it was ok, and that it would pass eventually and I wouldn't feel like that anymore. Isn't that what happens when you get infatuated with someone? The feelings die down after a while, and I would still have her friendship. I hate using the word love, but what else can explain this emotion. When I couldn't see her, I was crippled. There in my chest was the worst pain, the worst anxiety that I had ever felt in my entire life. Had I known a feeling like that existed inside me, I wouldn't have gotten involved. But like I said, it's hard once you're comfortable with things. And seeing her would for some reason make my pain go away. We shared everything, and knew everything about each other. We grew to understand each other. I knew she didn't love me. I always knew. But she did care for me greatly, and loved my companionship. That I also understood about her. I knew it, without a doubt. Overtime I grew cozy with her. I was just so used to her. She was fun to be around with. I never got tired of her. She was also a really good friend, and looked out for me and worried about me. But at the same time, she was weak and impulsive, and very indecisive. She carried alot of baggage, a load so great that it's affected her even up until now. And she would hurt me that way. It was a pattern that I became all too familiar with. She didn't want things to be official, and for some reason I was fine with that. Her friendship would be enough. But that also meant that she didn't have any obligations to me. And rather, she felt like she had obligations with a former loved one. And oh, it was so damn painful. We were so honest with each other, that I knew everything that was going on. At times I even trembled, literally. My blood would run cold. I could feel my chest coming down to my knees. I was warned from the very beginning, she said, by her and others, that this is what I would have to cope with. Everyone warned me about her. We would discuss it, talk about it. Then she would say she cared for me greatly. I knew that was true, I couldn't deny that fact. Seeing her and spending time with her would make it go away. But I was learning a very hard lesson. Not enough to let go, however. And over time, those feelings of despair turned into anger. I felt great pangs of anguish as she would hammer a rusty nail into my heart. Then another. Then another. Then another. Then another. That incessant pouding. It was changing me. It was poisoning me. I just don't like the person I've become. Lately she had been a little reluctant, and I couldn't have my way with her. Instead of being depressed about it or letting it go, I got angry and violent. What is it that I've become? And this is where that story ends. I think I'll always love her. She wasn't a bad person. We were just the victims of our own circumstances. There's one thing I've learned, however. What started off as a mess, ended as a mess. And things never seem to work the way you want them to. I guess I had always wanted more and never got it. But somehow I knew things would be that way. I expected atleast that much. But you discover something about yourself, good or bad, and that I didn't expect.