Snaps and claps!
I think I am actually starting to notice changes in my mindset and body now that I'm leaving my 20's. As a high strung, anxiety riddled person, I've noticed that over the last couple of years I've developed this general attitude of "I don't give a flying fuck or rolling rimjob", and things that used to be so very important to me I started neglecting more and more over time until that thing no longer existed in my life anymore. In some ways it's been helpful; like not letting it eat at me when people don't like me, not getting so offended and angry when people disagree with me, or not spending TOO much time wallowing in my own butthurt when my romantic relationships don't work the way I wanted them to. But in many ways, this attitude has gotten in the way of opportunities to move forward in my life or career, instead of laterally. (Though I will say that even though working cosmetics in Macy's again is technically a lateral move, I'm getting paid much more for a position that requires much less. So suck it). Perhaps this could be a part of the fog lifting from the deep depression I've been in over the last, oh, 3 years now. You know, part of the aforementioned "Not spending too much time wallowing in my own butthurt when my romantic relationships don't work the way I wanted them to" learning experience. But I digress! I've also noticed a change in my attitude towards my body, also a combination of good and bad. Some of you may or may not have known this already, but for the last 4 years or so, I've been struggling off and on with eating disorders, onset by depression; my weight yo-yos dramatically depending on my general mood and it's intensity. About 3 years ago when things really started getting out of control in my personal life, I would go days without eating, or would eat perhaps around 500 calories of food, feel guilty that I would be letting people down, and would immediately purge. "Wow, Adrienne, you look great!" -- well, yeah, that's because I just lost 20 lbs in two weeks and am emaciated and malnourished, but thanks! From spending much of my childhood being teased for being fat and ugly, then overcompensating by spending most of my early adulthood in very superficial and judgemental environments like cosmetics, I definitely developed a complex and my appearence meant everything to me. To the extent that, come 25 years old, I woke up one day and realized, "Wow, I don't like anything. I don't have ANY hobbies or interests!". Then, slowly but surely, as I left cosmetics and started experiencing a world beyond department stores, my attention shifted less on my appearence and more to the wonderful stuff life has to offer. Yaaaay records and, like, who knew I loved to paint so much? But now that I am back in an environment where looks are everything, I am remembering old morning routines I would go through before work and remembering what it's like to look in the mirror and see not just my reflection, but someone pretty. As I've matured, I think I am finally finding a healthy balance between my mind and my body. Where it's OKAY to pamper myself, to be girly by dropping $150 on perfume and spending 45 minutes doing my eyebrows, but it's also totally okay to go to the groccery store with no makeup on and gain 5 lbs over the holidays. Does that make sense? I guess what I am saying is that I am learning that things don't have to be so black and white with me all the time, I don't have to torture myself in some areas of my life in order to focus on others. With that being said, I have noticed that as the years have gone by and my need for vanity has decreased, I have, to an extent, let myself go a little bit. Not just in looks, but in health as well, this is where the "I don't give a flying fuck or rolling rimjob" attitude is damaging and is an on going issue in my life.
Blah, blah, blah. I wrote so much I kind of forgot what I was writing about to begin with.
Oh. Yeah, turning into an old lady.
Well, I now wake up at 7:00 am without an alarm clock everyday, I am starting to enjoy opening shifts at work, I am starting to get the dreaded forehead "11", bangs make me look old now apparently and, for the life of me, I can't get back down to a size 6. Which sucks. Everything else is pretty cool, I guess.
This message is brought to you by a pre-I'malmost30birthday meltdown. Thank you and have a nice day.
Pee ess:
Awwwwwww, sew cewt. Me and PeeTrix harassing mah bo0o0. Weo0eoe0oe0e0oe0oo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o00o0o0zero.