........ and weeeeeee?
I wish that pretty much anyone I used to talk to on here were still around. Man back in the day things were awesome. I had a really fun time with my online pals. I wonder what ever happened to them. I will never know, but meh!
I don't really have much to say. I remembered this thing once again the other day when I google imaged my name and it popped up a livejournal link. Yeah, I get bored and google myself and other people. It's fun to see some of the online pictures of people you know.
I never went to Minnesota last summer, never went to Ontario or Buffalo... Instead I stayed home and pined over old feelings and wishes for something better than what was at the time. I'm doing much better now. The old feelings have been replaced with new wonderful feelings and excitement for the future. I have a great partner for the future, and this shiny new ring on my finger promising it to be a long one together. I like looking at it. It reminds me that not only am I not alone in this, but I'm in it with an amazing guy. You have to hold tight to great things when they come along. I won't let go.
I've selected to x-post this to facebook. I'm not quite sure why. It's not like I really want anyone from facebook reading my old livejournal posts... on second thought. Yep, not x-posting it. I will hide my inner thoughts from the people I know. It's not like anyone on this friends list has even updated their journals for over 4-5 years. Dang I'm getting old.
On one hand I wish for friends... but then when I have them I hide from them. I don't answer messages, I don't pick up my phone, I make excuses not to go out. I have more fun sitting at home on the weekend watching Ghost Adventures and stupid stuff on MTV than going out on the town. I'm supposed to enjoy my youth, but is my age even considered youth anymore? Only to the senior citizen crowd I guess.
My ex is still in love with me. He messaged me telling me such today. If this were a year ago I would be leaving my house right now to drive to his and make things work. Things are so different now. I'm so different now. In fact, I don't even remember who I was back then. I really wasn't myself. I turned into something dark... something frail. I've never been or seen anyone else so broken in all my life. But seriously, Angel waiting until I found my way out of the ditch and meeting the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with really sucks for him. I really didn't know what to say to him about it. I feel terrible about it. Part of me says, "I wish I could do something about it." but what would that mean? Doing something about it would mean feeling differently than I do, right? If that's the case the other part of me is screaming, "SCREW HIM! YOU'RE SO MUCH BETTER OFF!" ... but I still care how he feels. It's kinda strange. It's like I want to tell him I love him, but I don't. In fact we were terrible for each other, and maybe he needs to be reminded of that. At least he was terrible for me. I know that much. But I still care how he feels. It's stupid.
Anyway... I'm off to bed. I want to dream something amazing tonight. I wish I had a machine that would automatically make my dreams into movies. I'd watch them over and over. Sigh... dreams are amazing things.
And I miss you all.
I don't really have much to say. I remembered this thing once again the other day when I google imaged my name and it popped up a livejournal link. Yeah, I get bored and google myself and other people. It's fun to see some of the online pictures of people you know.
I never went to Minnesota last summer, never went to Ontario or Buffalo... Instead I stayed home and pined over old feelings and wishes for something better than what was at the time. I'm doing much better now. The old feelings have been replaced with new wonderful feelings and excitement for the future. I have a great partner for the future, and this shiny new ring on my finger promising it to be a long one together. I like looking at it. It reminds me that not only am I not alone in this, but I'm in it with an amazing guy. You have to hold tight to great things when they come along. I won't let go.
I've selected to x-post this to facebook. I'm not quite sure why. It's not like I really want anyone from facebook reading my old livejournal posts... on second thought. Yep, not x-posting it. I will hide my inner thoughts from the people I know. It's not like anyone on this friends list has even updated their journals for over 4-5 years. Dang I'm getting old.
On one hand I wish for friends... but then when I have them I hide from them. I don't answer messages, I don't pick up my phone, I make excuses not to go out. I have more fun sitting at home on the weekend watching Ghost Adventures and stupid stuff on MTV than going out on the town. I'm supposed to enjoy my youth, but is my age even considered youth anymore? Only to the senior citizen crowd I guess.
My ex is still in love with me. He messaged me telling me such today. If this were a year ago I would be leaving my house right now to drive to his and make things work. Things are so different now. I'm so different now. In fact, I don't even remember who I was back then. I really wasn't myself. I turned into something dark... something frail. I've never been or seen anyone else so broken in all my life. But seriously, Angel waiting until I found my way out of the ditch and meeting the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with really sucks for him. I really didn't know what to say to him about it. I feel terrible about it. Part of me says, "I wish I could do something about it." but what would that mean? Doing something about it would mean feeling differently than I do, right? If that's the case the other part of me is screaming, "SCREW HIM! YOU'RE SO MUCH BETTER OFF!" ... but I still care how he feels. It's kinda strange. It's like I want to tell him I love him, but I don't. In fact we were terrible for each other, and maybe he needs to be reminded of that. At least he was terrible for me. I know that much. But I still care how he feels. It's stupid.
Anyway... I'm off to bed. I want to dream something amazing tonight. I wish I had a machine that would automatically make my dreams into movies. I'd watch them over and over. Sigh... dreams are amazing things.
And I miss you all.