It's all fucked up now

[fatty890]

It started with Holly. She was the first friend I lost but I suppose I didn't really try terrible hard to repair the relationship but hell I dont think she would have care that much given what she said. But well lost two friends in one day and the rifts will continue until the hit the side of the wall and I wonder if I will be here still standing or will I be one of the casualities of this war. I wasnt wrong though but I am made to suffer unjustly. What happened isn't important its that I wasn't really at fault because I was given the wrong information and then things were said and a whirlwind of shitsauce hit the fan and fucked everything up. I didn't do anything wrong but I blame myself or maybe I just feel upset that the other person got away with it again that I have to play the villian again. Why am I always the fall guy its bull shit and I know these days. But I can't do anything because even if I choose not to listen to or believe the bullshit someone always comes along and tells me I am wrong. And I dont know whether I am wrong or right sometimes because I know what happen in my head but then people talk to me and they make me think that I am not right so I am confused. I dont care about the answer any more what difference does it make nobody answers are infallibe anyway. I just dont want to be the bad guy anymore. Why do I have to be the bad guy? Why do I have to lose the friend? this righteousness to suffer alone and in loneliness in my case? I lose more and more people and this is what it means to be good or perhaps its just believe that I am good and that it. I may be a good guy but it the world doesnt care and doesnt think so and they want me to be a bad guy then I am. I can "not care" all I want but the numbers will grow and one to a hundreds. I wondered if anything good I do even matters if all people remember is the bad things I do. I mean that what we don't "forget" when we say that we "forgive but dont forget." the things we dont forget is what the person or people did to hurt us but do we remember what they did for us. The blood we split from our own veins standing back to back with against their enemies: do they remember that? or did it never matter am I to die knowing that all people will judge me on is the evils I have done. Good truly does not outweigh evil. Even God has a list of sins that are unforgivable. Am I always to be the villian. I just take it and let the rage grow and let the hate grow. Then I take the hate and the rage bury it in my writing in my art in my tears and I the question continue to haunt me the question that always haunt me. But the question is never answered I just ah who cares

Maybe I'm not good maybe I am it doesn't matter I am too fucking tired ta give a shit anymore. And I know I want to be a good guy but maybe its "something I can never have"