(no subject)
U know what I am sick of cops looking at me like a fucking trouble maker and like I'm fucking threat or getting in my personal bubble of space like there going to swing on me. I am sick of why do I always have to be the fucking threat and the dangerous one why cant they just leave me the fuck alone. Drop neck sons of bitch I swear the shit I put up and perception about me that I endure makes me want to stop trying to be there boy in "new found color" I changed because I thought it would make a differecne for me and so that people would stop look at me funny and maybe they would think I was fucking normal but it didnt and I dont understand why fuck. FUCK why do I have tbe confined to this fucking box. Its like they see the changes but I am still on the list and I cant ever be anything but "that guy." Why you mother fuckers can go straight to fucking hell. I made my mistakes and I gave my apologies and made my changes but I am what I am and that all the fuck I will ever be. I cant take it anymore. I know I fucked and I remember when I fuck up for this reason because when u fuck no one ever forgets that think in the back of the mind "that guy." When I look sad that what they think about in the back of there fucking motherfucking heads. When I talked to that woman today I thought about it again my stupid fucking "story" because that all it is a story and that doesnt mean anything its just a story. I didnt want to talk about anymore because it just makes me sad now because its part of that depressed side me that angry side of me the dark side of me and it drives me to think about all the things, thoughts, choices, mistakes, and pathways that are attached to that "story" I am just so fucking unbelieveable pissed fuck why can I be some one else. I dont mean like be some other than myself I mean why can perception of me change when I change because if they dont then what is the point. I could say I was doing to for me but I never changed for me I changed because I had to because if I didnt they were going to make me and fuck that I am not going back to the hospital or have more talks with certain people. All I do is try to be nice to everone and all I try to do is try to make peace and not war but why should if I am just the villian anyway. Am I a villian, no !!! but does that matter to everyone who thinks I am nope. I know its stupid to think it but when I was standing out there in the cold next to sarah, corey, and stephanie. Jason walks over and I know he hates me because of what happen with her and I feel guilty for it every day every goddamn day. and every day I wake up and think about megan the one that tried to destroy me that took my world away from me and showed me that I am powerless. I think about the past couple of months and I think about my grandfather is always controling me with his threats hidden in questions and just how he keeps me under his eye using subtle but obivious things when u think about it. but anyway its stupid of me to think but Jason hates me because of that stuff with stephanie and he doesnt talk to me and I almost felt like he was staying close to her because he was protecting her from me. and even brandon I know he wont be as obivious about it as Jason but he protecting her too. And all I want to do is hide my room away from the judging eyes and the false perceptions in here I am safe god I can just be who I am and not be afraid of what going to happen tomorrow. I dont have to watch every word I say or pay attention to my mannerisms or my facial expressions I have to make people believe I am happy even if I am not because I am either a threat to myself or the community when I am depressed. I dont care if they accept me anymore I really dont it would be nice but what I really want is for them just to leave me the fuck alone, leave me the fuck alone. when does it end. I know there is no army of people behind me, and that I dont have a brother to call on anymore, that my big sister has moved on to better more important things. I think I have come to enjoy solitude because when I am alone its safe. when I am alone I am free completely and utterly free.