a friend married a wonderful woman who said "trust is actions over time." she says that it builds up like layers of pearl in an oyster. i liked this description alot.
trust can be built, and it can be broken, and it can sometimes be re-built, as we re-make ourselves and our relationships.
trusting someone not to intentionally harm me? yeah, i can hope to expect this from those who love me. but how many people have *intentionally* harmed me? few, very very few. and they have changed before and after and sometimes back again, so that i no longer see them as the same person through each of these phases. they were once someone who loved me and did not intend me harm. maybe they lashed out in reaction-rage-mental illness or loss of balance. maybe they did or did not regain their equanimity, composure, compassion or mental stability. do i discard their humanity because they hurt me? have they discarded it or maimed it in their actions? when we are triggered and act out of our deepest wounding, are we still human?
i'm not talking about sympathy for the devil, i'm wondering about what we can do, what is appropriate and right to do, to and for people who have caused real emotional harm. what would be healing for us? what could be helpful for them? i don't have the answers.
but when i left my ex, who i'd been with for 10 years and who had been increasingly emotionally abusive during the final 4 years... my resolve was that i would not stoop to responding in kind, that i would not be reactive in the moment, that i would make only consciously considered statements and actions. it was deeply important to me to retain my own integrity, no matter what got thrown at me (literally and figuratively, yes.) i no longer had any trust in them. i withdrew myself completely. in retrospect, i guess i was lucky to be in a position to move away; one of the abuses was that i'd become isolated and we no longer had any community in common. so there weren't any gray areas, really.
one of the most precious things i learned back then was that i could learn to *trust myself* again, to stand up for what i really needed and wanted, and make good on my intentions for my life. taking back my power meant being able to rely on myself to be the one who will absolutely always be there for me. because abandoning myself was the deepest harm that abusive relationship did me: while my ex significantly encouraged to me do so, it was i who left me in the lurch. forgiving myself for that is a process that is still unfolding.
The "trust is actions over time" thing still feels fragile to me, because it feels like it's about building an attachment to someone not changing. To me, actions over time will predict what someone is *likely* to do in the future, but circumstances and people change in ways that will surprise us for better or worse, and I want to keep allowing for that inevitability. This feels to me like increased trust in the world, in true nature.
I'm interested that you have brought "discarding humanity" into the conversation. What is it to discard humanity? Is it to imagine someone as beyond forgiveness?
i think that "actions over time" are about seeing if someone can maintain their kindness and equanimity in many different situations. will you keep on paying attention to how you treat me, can i rely on you to show up for me when that's needed? even if you are changing and growing, how you are treating me is a set of choices you make. love is a verb.
discarding humanity is indeed about reaching a place perhaps beyond forgiveness, beyond healing or rehabilitation, beyond the ability to make ammends. does evil exist? i don't know for sure, but serial murderers and war mongers have made me wonder. how do we explain Hitler, Idi Amin, genocide in general?
what i do believe is that i damage my own humanity when i set out to damage another intentionally.
Since when is not trusting someone to be equated with discarding their humanity? Trust is about discernment. Humanity is inate. You don't have to trust someone to acknowledge their humanity or even be moved greatly by it.
trust can be built, and it can be broken, and it can sometimes be re-built, as we re-make ourselves and our relationships.
trusting someone not to intentionally harm me? yeah, i can hope to expect this from those who love me. but how many people have *intentionally* harmed me? few, very very few. and they have changed before and after and sometimes back again, so that i no longer see them as the same person through each of these phases. they were once someone who loved me and did not intend me harm. maybe they lashed out in reaction-rage-mental illness or loss of balance. maybe they did or did not regain their equanimity, composure, compassion or mental stability. do i discard their humanity because they hurt me? have they discarded it or maimed it in their actions? when we are triggered and act out of our deepest wounding, are we still human?
i'm not talking about sympathy for the devil, i'm wondering about what we can do, what is appropriate and right to do, to and for people who have caused real emotional harm. what would be healing for us? what could be helpful for them? i don't have the answers.
but when i left my ex, who i'd been with for 10 years and who had been increasingly emotionally abusive during the final 4 years... my resolve was that i would not stoop to responding in kind, that i would not be reactive in the moment, that i would make only consciously considered statements and actions. it was deeply important to me to retain my own integrity, no matter what got thrown at me (literally and figuratively, yes.) i no longer had any trust in them. i withdrew myself completely. in retrospect, i guess i was lucky to be in a position to move away; one of the abuses was that i'd become isolated and we no longer had any community in common. so there weren't any gray areas, really.
one of the most precious things i learned back then was that i could learn to *trust myself* again, to stand up for what i really needed and wanted, and make good on my intentions for my life. taking back my power meant being able to rely on myself to be the one who will absolutely always be there for me. because abandoning myself was the deepest harm that abusive relationship did me: while my ex significantly encouraged to me do so, it was i who left me in the lurch. forgiving myself for that is a process that is still unfolding.
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The "trust is actions over time" thing still feels fragile to me, because it feels like it's about building an attachment to someone not changing. To me, actions over time will predict what someone is *likely* to do in the future, but circumstances and people change in ways that will surprise us for better or worse, and I want to keep allowing for that inevitability. This feels to me like increased trust in the world, in true nature.
I'm interested that you have brought "discarding humanity" into the conversation. What is it to discard humanity? Is it to imagine someone as beyond forgiveness?
Trusting one's self. Yes. Yes Yes Yes.
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discarding humanity is indeed about reaching a place perhaps beyond forgiveness, beyond healing or rehabilitation, beyond the ability to make ammends. does evil exist? i don't know for sure, but serial murderers and war mongers have made me wonder. how do we explain Hitler, Idi Amin, genocide in general?
what i do believe is that i damage my own humanity when i set out to damage another intentionally.
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