(no subject)
tonight was the worst. i knew id fail. im a failer at everything else i do so why did i expect anything else to be different? went to zev and rachaels tonight for dinner. didnt eat all day with the intention all id have at theirs was soup and an orange....well i did have soup and the ornage, along with fish balls, fish cakes, rice, butternut squash kuguel, endless amounts of chullah and humous. ach ach ach ach ach gag me. well i just spent a good 20 minutes throwing it up...i dont expect ill lose...and i deserve to gain. if im going indulge myself in such delights what else can i expect?
"life is but a dream, row row your boat, blood from the stream"--->excuse random 50 cent lyrics, but hadin my head so had to write it down.
ach ach ach at me. im so ashamed. but at least i didnt indulge in the ice cream for dessert, and when i went to see rivkah and danny they had strawberry custard tart, and marble cake........my two fave cakes in the world! but i was strong. while i sat there watching others indulge in a world of heven, i punished myself for my disgusting behaviour a dinner. but i was also wrapped in a world of control. rivkah wanted to feed me fat...fatten me up... but i was in control.......it felt good