Movies I Couldn't Finish (I Really Wanted To Like These Films. Honest!)
I honestly didn’t just try to watch a whole series of films in a row, losing interest in each one. (Though now I’ve been introduced to Netflix, it looks like that could happen pretty easily.)
Stresses involved in moving house and switching jobs meant that I ended up with an enormous backlog of films to review. Having now finally reached the end of that backlog, it now felt like time to clarify why I haven’t ever reviewed the following films. These are often films that were recommended very highly or that I was very keen to watch.
I generally try to watch a film to the end before reviewing it. These are films I am not reviewing. They proved not to be my sort of thing and I have written an explanation in each case.
Manchester By The Sea (2016)
Dull miserable film. Our first introduction to the protagonist involves him starting a fight while drunk. The filmmakers seemed to be daring me to hate their protagonist and so, well, congratulations on that front at least...
The Toxic Avenger (1984)
Does anyone actually think having a bunch of attractive scantily clad actresses makes up for the complete absence of entertaining plot, dialogue, and any sort of quality filmmaking in general? This is why Bio-Cop wasn't made into a full film. Toxic Avenger would make a great fake trailer, but the joke isn't good enough to last through a full length movie.
The BFG (2016)
Spielberg, is this really what you think London is like? Roald Dahl's stories are dark and often terrifying and that's why we love them. When the protagonist is first picked up by the BFG we are supposed to find this frightening. I mean how could being plucked from your bed by a giant hand fail to totally freak you out? This is a story about giants that eat children and the tone is all wrong. Perhaps if I'd left it longer? But we'd already seen a kidnapping by a giant portrayed as an exciting action sequence. If you want a great Dahl adaptation, watch The Witches. If you don't want a great Dahl adaptation then congratulations, Spielberg's The BFG is the film for you... ugh!
Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (2016)
I just don't get it. I don't know what to say. I like Pride and Prejudice. I like zombies. I don't think this attempt to combine the two is even remotely coherent. The Bennett sisters would not engage in armed combat. It's just impossible for me to see them as the same characters. And I just feel the entire universe set up here is a bit flat. Apparently Matt Smith is good in this film, but I couldn't hang on long enough to find out.
Chappie (2015)
Surely no one can relate better to the idea of wanting to identify with He-Man than myself. I put so many plastic swords down the back of my t-shirt as a child; naturally with the intention of then pulling the sword from behind me, raising it above my head and shouting, "I have the power!" So why is it that the point in the film where Chappie is introduced to Masters of the Universe is the point where I completely gave up? Perhaps after the film had already felt so ridiculously contrived for so long and after the Die Antwoord duo had already struck me as incredibly irritating, seeing Die Antwoord introducing our robot protagonist to He-Man in a contrived way was the final straw.
Pulse (Kairo) (2001)
I heard that this was a good Japanese Horror in the vein of Ring with a terrible remake. However, on v checking out the original movie I was surprised how slow and dull it was. I really tried, but so little happens, the colours are so washed out, and the lead character is so flat. I just lost all interest.
Mistress America (2015)
After Frances Ha was so sweet and instantly appealing, I thought this would have the same charm. I did not expect self-absorbed mumbling. I haven't watched Frances Ha for a while but I remember it being genuinely funny right from the start. This is most definitely not.
Hacksaw Ridge (2016)
I just want to begin by saying, I haven't changed my mind about Andrew Garfield. I still think he was great in the Amazing Spider-Man movies and continued to be great in 99 Homes and Silence. And actually he is still great here, but the way this film is written is atrocious. Nobody seems to talk like a human being. Garfield's protagonist has the most contrived sweet innocent relationship and then when he meets his contrived quirky troupe of soldiers it just became all too obvious that I wasn't connecting with any characters here. I didn't even get to see them go to war. I couldn't bring myself to return to this film.
Father's Day (2011)
I was hoping for a step up from Manborg but this obnoxious vulgar unfunny cheesy nonsense is definitely a step down. Manborg had some absolutely terrible acting and effects that were clearly cutting corners, but it has a unique style that I liked and some of the jokes really clicked with me. Father's day starts with a murderer going to town on a body in a gross scene that is intended to be taken seriously. It feels like about 10 minutes watching a serial killer being gross and about 30 seconds of him being dispatched by a vigilante. It's very unsatisfying. Once we finally move past this entirely unappealing opening we are finally introduced to what is presumably our protagonist - and he appears to be about to prostitute himself, offering a blow job to a stranger..... Give me a break.
The Babysitter (2017)
I heard this was a lot of fun. In order to have fun with a film I need to connect with the characters and in this film nobody talks like a real person. I felt like perhaps the weird lines from some bullies was supposed to be funny, but I couldn't see how. The titular babysitter randomly turns up to give our protagonist a lift home and acts like his best friend, clearly ignoring the way he is leering at her and how inappropriately close their relationship might seem to the boy. I felt a bit creeped out by that to be honest.
Jungle Book (2016)
That kid is SO frikking annoying!
And why have they taken a children's film and made given it a long dark slow-paced intro? It seems to be following a kind of Batman Begins-esque mould except that the protagonist feels like a LESS believable character as a result of the slow build-up. Also, giving us a deeper insight into this world makes it more obviously a silly children's film. If predators agree not to eat prey during the dry season, they'd die. A world where carnivores agree not to eat other animals for months is a world completely divorced from reality.