... fuck i don't know...
Happiness...How do we ever know when we reach this simple, yet such evasive state? Through these 18 years of my life rarely has rage or depression or trauma overcome me to detrioate the laughter and joy inside. Yet in the overall perspective of the world and the people who surrond me... is appears that life is to just be shitty and suck throughtout... My mother, though i love her dearly pretty much hates the life in ever extent of the phrase. to the point of severe closet alcoholism and depression. Looking to the glass bottle for her lost hopes and joys. How could someone hate life so much that her only joy is to see her eldest daughter fulfill the dreams she gave up long ago? what quality of life is that? where your husband is ever reality an asshole and not even knowing the entire story to blackmailed letters, photos, and manipulation. where your intelligence is wasted due to the lack of motivation to pursue a higher education accepting the medicore job becasue you are able to excel and bitch all at the same time. And how all of that hate and depression could produce me...a reasonably cherry and hopeful person.
Never have i been overly sulky or sucluded... Yet covering the loneliness and awkwardness with laughter...the key to everything. And as hard as i'm working to succeed in life in order to gain praise from the woman who birthed me but ecstatic that in order to do so i live atleast 8 hours away in my own little world with friends that don't have the preconcieved impressions, people that know me for me and not the kid they've known since the second grade. all in all it is the paradise it seems. the world is compatible with MY dreams and MY ambitions not someone else's wants or desires for me. Really no reason to return or to stay for more than a visit. but here i am once again being sucked into the drama and the games. Having exactly what i want is never good enough, always having to wonder just what else might be out there or the one that got away...or having love, fucking it up, refusing it then just in case go back over those roots to where it began....
life is a fucked up thing, dragging you along for the ride not really telling you when you'll be upside down or whipped around. and the only thing that keeps you going is the motivation that soon if you work hard enough it will all fall in place and the clouds will clear, the sun will shine, you'll wake and bake and everything will be jsut as you dreamed it as a little girl. Yet not onve have i met the person whose clouds have cleared and i guess its not the hard work that leads to happiness that equals a good life its jsut the happiness along the way in the rainy days that keeps you afloat....
Never have i been overly sulky or sucluded... Yet covering the loneliness and awkwardness with laughter...the key to everything. And as hard as i'm working to succeed in life in order to gain praise from the woman who birthed me but ecstatic that in order to do so i live atleast 8 hours away in my own little world with friends that don't have the preconcieved impressions, people that know me for me and not the kid they've known since the second grade. all in all it is the paradise it seems. the world is compatible with MY dreams and MY ambitions not someone else's wants or desires for me. Really no reason to return or to stay for more than a visit. but here i am once again being sucked into the drama and the games. Having exactly what i want is never good enough, always having to wonder just what else might be out there or the one that got away...or having love, fucking it up, refusing it then just in case go back over those roots to where it began....
life is a fucked up thing, dragging you along for the ride not really telling you when you'll be upside down or whipped around. and the only thing that keeps you going is the motivation that soon if you work hard enough it will all fall in place and the clouds will clear, the sun will shine, you'll wake and bake and everything will be jsut as you dreamed it as a little girl. Yet not onve have i met the person whose clouds have cleared and i guess its not the hard work that leads to happiness that equals a good life its jsut the happiness along the way in the rainy days that keeps you afloat....