(no subject)
These are my latest irrational thoughts.
I am questioning my general faith in psychiatry. Well, psychiatry for those who are only mildly situationally fucked up. So, that excludes chemical imbalances, mental illness and cases of abuse and neglect. I guess that sitting in some room and talking about how I was teased in fourth grade and my parents drank socially just does not seem real to me. I guess if I have to really rack my brain to think of things that could have led to some unresolved anger, then the anger probably isn't that important in the first place. Everyone was teased, everyone can think of some way in which their childhood sucked. It feels to fake (or maybe just too hard) to go through these case by case hoping that by healing some seemingly insignificant wound it will somehow raise my sense of self esteem and self worth and loosen the grip substances have on me.
I'm also questioning the intimidating label of an addict in general. I basically cannot deal with stress. I have no coping mechanisms. Theres nothing mystical about it. When I'm stressed out, I'm suddenly completely high even more than usual. So, okay learn to deal with stress. How? I mean, how does anyone deal with stress really? Go work out. But, then I will just become addicted to that. Phone a friend. Well, then I could probably begin to label that relationship as codependent. I don't know I guess it seems like most methods of dealing with stress are addictive as well. So, should I just be scared and on high alert all the time? Maybe I'm missing something or maybe I just don't understand but all of this seems to get me nowhere. I'm still crippled and dependent on something and chances are, I still don't feel better.
Maybe its just about making a choice and deciding that I am better than all of this codependent bullshit. Maybe its just about waking up one day and believing that you can handle life on your own and don't need anything else. Or maybe its just management.
When I started writing this, I thought I was making a lot of sense but now I may be more confused than before. I seem to be great at deciding what doesn't work and not so good at finding something that does.
Maybe its about not paying as much attention to destroying or abstaining everything I depend on and need and instead focussing on feeling better and doing better myself.
I am questioning my general faith in psychiatry. Well, psychiatry for those who are only mildly situationally fucked up. So, that excludes chemical imbalances, mental illness and cases of abuse and neglect. I guess that sitting in some room and talking about how I was teased in fourth grade and my parents drank socially just does not seem real to me. I guess if I have to really rack my brain to think of things that could have led to some unresolved anger, then the anger probably isn't that important in the first place. Everyone was teased, everyone can think of some way in which their childhood sucked. It feels to fake (or maybe just too hard) to go through these case by case hoping that by healing some seemingly insignificant wound it will somehow raise my sense of self esteem and self worth and loosen the grip substances have on me.
I'm also questioning the intimidating label of an addict in general. I basically cannot deal with stress. I have no coping mechanisms. Theres nothing mystical about it. When I'm stressed out, I'm suddenly completely high even more than usual. So, okay learn to deal with stress. How? I mean, how does anyone deal with stress really? Go work out. But, then I will just become addicted to that. Phone a friend. Well, then I could probably begin to label that relationship as codependent. I don't know I guess it seems like most methods of dealing with stress are addictive as well. So, should I just be scared and on high alert all the time? Maybe I'm missing something or maybe I just don't understand but all of this seems to get me nowhere. I'm still crippled and dependent on something and chances are, I still don't feel better.
Maybe its just about making a choice and deciding that I am better than all of this codependent bullshit. Maybe its just about waking up one day and believing that you can handle life on your own and don't need anything else. Or maybe its just management.
When I started writing this, I thought I was making a lot of sense but now I may be more confused than before. I seem to be great at deciding what doesn't work and not so good at finding something that does.
Maybe its about not paying as much attention to destroying or abstaining everything I depend on and need and instead focussing on feeling better and doing better myself.