One fic death. Excuse me why.

[fatimak7]

Invincible Summer.

Summary:
When two souls meet.

This story is divided according to the seasons and corresponds to the mindset of our beloved boys. This story is set in an alternative universe where Brian and Justin's personalities do not correspond exactly with canon.

Please be patient with me, as this was the most difficult story I've ever written so far. It's my first attempt at an Alternate Universe, and it is also the first story I've composed that deals with the death of a major character. If this is upsetting to you, please do not read. Tissue Warning!
Thanks to my wonderful Beta Predec2 the translation and for the beautiful banner.



Chapter 1 Cycle by nicolle_midnight2013

Note: This story is divided according to the seasons and corresponds to the mindset of our beloved boys. This story is set in an alternative universe where Brian and Justin's personalities do not correspond exactly with canon.

"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer." ~Albert Camus

Spring

It was Sunday.

It was almost impossible for anyone not to be hopeful on this Sunday. This particular Sunday was being paid an early visit from the spring sun's rays, and the sky was a bright blue, painted with a magnificent, cloudless brush stroke, promising the hope of no more cold, spring rain; at least for now. It was as if the world was welcoming a new era where the sadness and loneliness of the winter were over and the gloominess being left behind, to be replaced by the exuberance of warm, vibrant colors and scents that flooded the morning air.

The day reflected the joy that overflowed in the heart of the boy walking towards the entrance of the city park where he had rented a small apartment a few blocks away; temporarily, he hoped. It was a new opportunity for him, and he could not help but be excited by the future possibilities that opened up in its wake.

New York. A dream that had felt so far away and unattainable, and yet here he was in the midst of so many iconic buildings in the city that never sleeps, as people so fondly called it. The place in which he had chosen to live and to build the foundation for achieving his dream was now at hand. Of course, much was yet to be done, and he would have to work toward his dreams slowly. But on this glorious, spring day, he was feeling decidedly hopeful.

He crossed the street quietly at the bustling crosswalk, along with dozens of other bystanders all crunched together, heading to parts unknown. Under one arm he held his precious sketchbook; in his lips was a cigarette long forgotten, his new, albeit unhealthy, addiction. He was young, not only chronologically, but also in reference to addictions and tastes. Feeling renewed, energized and ready to start his new life here, he vowed to himself to follow his dream each and every day with a pencil and a pad of paper as his vehicle to success.

Despite his excitement at being in New York City, he did miss his mother, who had been his staunchest defender when his homophobic prick of a father had kicked him out of his home. Choosing to support her son - and realizing that Craig Taylor was no longer the man she had fallen in love with so long ago - she had chosen to divorce him soon afterward; greatly perturbing the man who had always thought that image was everything.

Justin had only managed to fulfill his dream to come to the apex of the art world by wisely investing in an inheritance of property and money he had acquired from his late, maternal grandparents, who had worked hard all their lives and chosen to bestow their good fortune on their grandchildren. Jennifer, too, had managed through her newly-gained skills as a real estate agent to keep Justin in the private school he had been attending until he had graduated, and had even gifted him with the small luxury of a used car on his eighteenth birthday.

But far above the material gifts that his mother had bestowed upon him was the gift he most treasured: his mother's unconditional love, understanding, and unflagging support. That meant the most of all and was the foundation for him having the strength to set out on his own in such a large, imposing city.

He missed his younger sister, Molly, too; which actually surprised him a little. He never really thought he would miss her very much, but he did. He missed the camaraderie the two of them had shared as only a brother and sister can, as well as the curious, blue eyes, so much like his own, that constantly bombarded him with questions. Her never-ending barrage of questions aggravated him at times, but it also flattered him in a way that Molly thought he was so intelligent that he would know all the answers to her questions. He could see the hero worship in her eyes, and he knew that she loved him deeply despite the razzing they always undertook with each other with such alacrity. Truth be told, he loved her with the same intensity as he did his mother, and he missed them both greatly.

Above all, though, he missed his best friend Daphne; the person who had been a constant presence in his life since he was five years old and who he could tell everything to. She supported him unquestionably but would also tell him when he was wrong or making a mistake as only best friends could do, and he knew he would miss having her at his side here.

Yes, they were his three 'favorite girls,' as he liked to call them. They believed in him and his talent and his ability to succeed. So here he was in this monstrous city, far away from them, but also realizing that this path had been preordained for him, ever since he had first held a crayon and a piece of paper in his chubby, little hands as a child, and he wouldn't have missed this opportunity for anything. The strength and courage he now felt was in no small part due to his favorite girls' faith in him, and he knew he could never disappoint them.

Central Park. He smiled as he studied the big, shady, mature trees situated to either side of the iron gate at the entrance that had stood the test of time for so long. He could never grow tired of admiring them and how they soared majestically into the blue sky above. He knew this area of the park by heart now, and experienced great joy and inspiration from walking here every Sunday to perch on one of the benches ringing the pathway, always finding a new inspiration for his sketching just by observing the people and animals walking by.

Smiling, he walked over to a nearby bench that was unoccupied, and within minutes he had begun his first sketch of a woman walking an Afghan hound that looked amazingly just like its owner.

Sketching another scene a few minutes later, he had just finished when he caught a movement out of the corner of his eye a few feet away and he turned his head to see what it was. His heart stopped and his hand rested in midair, pencil still in hand, as he observed who he thought was the most beautiful man he had ever seen, reclining against a nearby tree. Well, he decided that beautiful wasn't quite the right word, but he could not quite decide how to properly describe him and still do him justice. The man was unlike any other man he had ever seen before. He had tall, broad shoulders, strong, lightly muscled arms, and sun-kissed, bronze skin. His hair wasn't curly, but stood up rebelliously in spots on top, almost as if it had been combed that way with the man's fingers and just left to dry the way it lay. The sides were closely cropped, but the sun captured glints of auburn tints in his brown hair everywhere.

His facial features were perfectly proportioned to his angular, masculine face, but his eyes were hidden behind a pair of sunglasses. Justin found himself yearning to know what color the man's eyes were, but when his gaze settled on the man's mouth, he promptly forgot that wish. The lips were an intriguing, dusky rose color, and he wore a form-fitting, gray, cotton shirt with long sleeves and a V-neck collar, dark, stonewashed jeans that were well-loved and a pair of expensive sneakers. He noticed him quietly observing a young boy nearby who bore a remarkable resemblance to him, along with a yellow Labrador puppy who was cavorting playfully around the child on the lawn several feet away, a tender sort of smile on his face as the boy threw a tennis ball for the dog to fetch.

Justin quickly flipped the book open to a fresh page as he hurriedly began to draw what he was observing, his hand flying over the paper as he began to recreate the boy, dog, and man. He had just finished his preliminary sketch when he felt his pant leg being pulled. He looked down to note with surprise that the dog he had been sketching was now tugging on his pant leg like it was his latest chew toy, the tennis ball now neglected and lying by his feet. He laughed in shock, just before the man came rushing over to them, a disapproving scowl on his face. Justin noticed the little boy running over as well as he began to chastise the puppy for running off.

As soon as the man opened his lips and spoke, Justin was enthralled. "Shit, I'm sorry about that! Cut that out!" the man yelled at the dog as he grabbed him by the collar and pulled him off, holding onto him so he couldn't get away. "I had a feeling this would happen when I agreed to let Gus play with him off-leash." He gave a low laugh. "As you might be able to tell, he's still in the hyperactive stage. The dog, I mean." He reached over to clip the dog's leash back onto his collar, holding him close by so he couldn't attack Justin's pant leg again.

Justin smiled as he reached over to stroke the dog's silky ears. "No problem. I love dogs." He couldn't help grinning at the dog's goofy face; he could swear he was smiling back at him in return. "What's your name?" he asked the dog without lifting his eyes to stare at the other man who took his breath away, suddenly feeling a little overwhelmed.

"Kinney. Brian Kinney. Mind if I have a seat?" He indicated the empty spot next to Justin. Before Justin could respond, however, he sat down with the leash still in his hand, his arm brushing accidentally against Justin's and making his heart quicken as a result.

Justin frowned as he stared over at him. "Really? Your dog has a first AND a last name?"

The other man laughed heartily at Justin's question as he shook his head. "Oh, no. That disobedient mutt is named Calvin. I'm Brian. And this mutt's owner over there is my son, Gus."

Justin's blue eyes scrutinized the young boy before he smiled at him. He could certainly tell they were father and son. "Nice to meet you, Gus," he told the little boy politely.

There was a brief pause before the other man pressed, "Since Calvin here has chosen to make you his newest toy, I feel we should get better acquainted. You are ...?"

Justin smiled. "Justin. Justin Taylor." He reached automatically to shake the other man's hand, secretly disenchanted that this man was apparently married and had a wife back home. He felt he normally had a good instinct for who was gay and who wasn't, and his gaydar had definitely been dinging from the moment he and Brian had first spoken. He decided the man must be a closet case, then; that had to be the only explanation.

As they shook hands, Justin felt a jolt he had never felt before as they made contact. Their eyes locked on each other's for a few seconds until they broke off their handshake as Gus sat down in the space between the two men and looked over curiously at what Justin was holding.

"Hey, you draw?" the little boy asked. "Can I see?" he inquired eagerly. Feeling a little self-conscious, Justin nonetheless silently handed over the sketchpad to Gus as the little boy's eyes lit up in recognition.

"Look, Daddy! he cried out excitedly. "It's you, me and Calvin! Isn't it great?"

Brian peered over at the other man's drawing, clearly impressed by what he saw. The images were painstakingly detailed, so much so that the scene seemed to jump off the page. Brian could not hide his amazement over the fantastic work as he commented, "You have a lot of artistic talent. I've never seen anything as amazing as this."

Justin blushed over the unexpected praise and could barely respond. "Thank you very much; I'm glad you that you like it." He smiled over at Gus and hesitated for just a second before he carefully tore the sketch out of the book and handed it to him. "Here; this is for you," he told him.

Gus' face broke out into a delighted smile. "For me?" Justin nodded with a grin. "Thank you! I really like this a lot. Daddy, can we put it in a frame and hang it up in my room?"

Brian reached over to ruffle his son's hair. "Certainly, Sonny Boy! This masterpiece deserves a proper frame." Brian looked over at the beautiful and talented young man, grateful for his kindness to his son. "Thank you, Justin," he told him softly.

Justin shook his head, his face warming over the attention. "No, it should be me who is thanking you for the inspiration," he told him shyly. He found himself absolutely captivated by this man, wanting to prolong their contact and get to know him better, despite the fact that he was apparently unattainable.

Gus carefully laid his picture down beside him as he asked his father, "Daddy, can I play some more with Calvin over by the trees?"

Brian sighed; he never could say no to his son. "All right, Gus; but make sure he doesn't take off again."

"Okay, Daddy!" Gus cried out happily as he reached over and unclipped the dog's leash from his collar, as soon as he scooped up the lime green tennis ball from the ground, the dog took off like a shot, following closely behind him on his heels as they ran toward the expanse of grass nearby.

Brian and Justin grinned over Gus's enthusiasm as they carried on a fairly lengthy discussion, Brian keeping a watchful eye on his son and Calvin as they discussed how they had both happened to arrive in New York City. Justin found himself describing how he had arrived in the Big Apple approximately eight months ago from Pittsburgh at the 'ripe old age' of 19, explaining that he was here to study art while he worked as a waiter at one of the Manhattan delis nearby to help defray the outrageous expenses he incurred.

Justin found out that Brian was twelve years his senior, that he had his own apartment close by and had a good job at a prestigious advertising agency. Coincidentally, he also found out that Brian hailed from Pittsburgh as well. He also found out that Brian's son, who would be six this summer, was conceived as a favor to his best friend, a woman named Lindsay, who wanted to raise a child with her partner and asked Brian to help her as the sperm donor.

Justin's hopes were raised when he found this out; apparently he had been right all along. Brian wasn't married after all! It was obvious, however, that despite the unconventional manner in which Gus was conceived, Brian did, indeed, love his son very much. He discovered that Gus still lived in Pittsburgh with his two moms, but he and his four-legged friend happened to be visiting him this weekend.

In between peeks at his son to make sure he and Calvin were still nearby, the two men continued to engage in conversation, not realizing that hours had passed until the sky began to grow rather ominous, signaling the likelihood of a spring rain.

Reluctantly, Justin advised, "Well, I think I'd better get going; looks like it's going to rain soon." He gathered up his pencils and sketchpad as he stood up to face Brian, hating to leave.

"Well, I wouldn't be too happy about being caught in a downpour, but Gus wouldn't mind at all," Brian told him with a smile. "If there's a puddle somewhere, I guarantee you Gus will find it. And Labradors are water magnets anyway, so Calvin would be no help at all getting out of the rain." He gazed up at Justin as he added, "Although, today I might be persuaded to change my mind about that."

Justin blushed as Brian stood up to call his son over with the dog. A few minutes later, Calvin was safely leashed again and the four of them strode purposefully toward the entrance to the park. The wind began to pick up then, making the leaves scurry around their feet, as the two men stood rather awkwardly at the gate, neither one really wishing to say goodbye.

"Well..."

"Well..."

Justin nodded with a smile, knowing he couldn't prolong this any longer or they would all be drenched soon. "Well, I guess I'll see you around, Brian Kinney. Nice to meet you, Gus," he told the little boy, the sketch now held firmly in his free hand. He reached down to affectionately rub the dog's ears, receiving a couple of licks in return as he murmured, "Nice meeting you, too, Calvin."

Standing up, he looked at Brian for a moment before he nodded again and turned to go with a simple wave, hurrying toward the crosswalk so he could catch it on the 'walk' signal flashing.

Brian watched the young man leave. "I hope so, Justin Taylor," he whispered softly as he smiled. "I hope so."

Just before he began to cross the street to head toward his apartment, Justin turned and caught Brian's eye. Brian waved at him and smiled before he took hold of Calvin's leash and his son's hand to stride in the opposite direction uptown toward the more exclusive apartment buildings.

It was that last smile that Brian bestowed on Justin that would linger with the blond that night until he finally was able to fall asleep to dreams of a certain, mesmerizing stranger.

Summer

And so the days passed. The weeks went by so damn slowly. Both men's lives were usually full, but after their first meeting they found that something was missing and it was felt from the moment they woke up in the morning until they closed their eyes at night. This feeling of emptiness was only assuaged when they met again in the same park on Sundays. From that first day onward, every Sunday for the next month and a half, rain or shine, hot or cold, they were drawn like magnets back to that same bench in the park, until at last Brian decided he wanted more than just a few hours of conversation with the young blond that intrigued him so.

He could already tell that there was something special about him; and deep down he also knew they were slowly building a relationship of some kind between them. He actually could feel the fluttery feeling of butterflies in his stomach every time Sunday rolled around and it was time to meet up with Justin again. Brian loved to tease the blond and make him blush. Talking to him, just looking at him, gave him such inexplicable joy, a joy he had never known before.

Yes, in some ways Justin was still almost a boy chronologically; only nineteen years old and with little experience, he suspected. He had a certain innocence about him, almost a cherubic quality. But he had the most dazzling, charming smile he had ever seen on any man of any age.
It was surprising in a way, then, that Brian had chosen this particular, young man to fall in love with, but he began to believe that Justin was feeling much the same way.

After a while, they began to slowly build upon their relationship, managing to meet in between their Sundays as Brian surprised Justin by showing up after he got out of class to give him a ride back into the city, or taking him on a guided pedal ride around the park as they acted like typical tourists. These moments became special to them, moments that would be forever filed in the back of Brian's mind as cherished memories to be treasured and remembered forever.

At the end of one typical, summer afternoon - a Thursday - Justin walked outside after his classes were over, backpack slung over one shoulder; his heart skipped a beat of joy as he observed Brian waiting for him, leaning against his car and smoking a cigarette. He looked magnificent in a casual outfit of jeans, a leather jacket, a long-sleeved, dark-brown shirt with the sleeves rolled up and a pair of leather loafers, his hair blowing rebelliously in the warm, summer breeze.

Justin smiled in pleasure as he crept up to Brian quietly, managing to catch him unaware and quickly steal a kiss from the surprised man's lips, a gesture meant to be spontaneous and brief as Justin placed his hands lightly on Brian's waist to steady himself.

Brian smiled back as they broke apart. "Hey," he greeted him softly, savoring the beautiful face and expressive, blue eyes. He dropped the cigarette from his fingers and promptly forgot about it as he slid his arms around Justin's waist and pulled him closer so their bodies were touching, leaning in to kiss the full, soft lips again, this time for a bit longer.

As they pulled back a little breathlessly this time, Justin replied, "I didn't think I would see you today; when I called, I thought you told me you would be too busy to see..."

He was promptly silenced by another kiss that left him feeling decidedly confused; this kiss - instead of being soft and friendly like Brian's normally were - was exploratory and almost predatory, and it took his breath away. This was much different than any kiss Brian had ever given him before. When they finally parted, Justin kept his eyes closed for a few seconds longer, trying to slow his thudding heartbeat down as he fought to calm his emotions.

"What was that for?" he asked breathlessly with a laugh as he opened his eyes, immediately regretting his words. He averted his eyes in awkwardness, not wanting Brian to think he was ridiculing him or making fun of him somehow.

He kept his eyes aimed toward the ground until Brian gently grasped his chin and forced him to lift his gaze to peer into his handsome face. He almost thought he saw embarrassment there as Brian replied softly, "Maybe I might have missed you," no hint of insincerity detected. "I managed to get my work done faster than I estimated I would, so I thought you might want a lift." He let go of Justin's face to open the door for Justin as he stepped aside. He swept his hand toward the car as Justin nodded with a smile and slid into the passenger seat, his body still tingling slightly from Brian's touch.

"Are you taking me home?" Justin asked as Brian surprisingly shook his head no. "Then where are we going?" he inquired curiously.

"I thought I'd take you back to my place," he told him. "You are about to have the honor of being the first person to sample my culinary skills." Justin's eyes lit up with surprise as Brian took a few seconds to admire his companion's beauty. His smile made his breath catch in his throat, and his eyes were shining with happiness. It was almost too much for him to handle, and it made his breath hitch in his throat. "I went home before I came to get you so I would have it all ready...But this IS my first time fixing something, so I'm a little nervous about it," he found himself confessing.

Justin grinned. "Don't worry," he teased him. "I'm really hungry, so I could eat anything." Realizing how that might have sounded, he couldn't contain his laughter as Brian glared back at him in mock insult. "Sorry!" he said with a giggle. "I'm sure it will be simply delicious."

"Damn right it will be," Brian said with a smile of his own, confirming that he really wasn't upset.

The rest of the ride was a quiet one, but it was a comfortable silence. Occasionally each man would observe the other out of the corner of their eye and when they realized they had been caught, they would smile almost shyly at each other. Unbeknownst to both men, each one was thinking what a wonderful time in their lives this was and how lucky they had been to find each other on that spring day.

As Brian opened the door to his loft apartment, Justin felt his stomach fluttering with either nervousness or anxiety, or both. It was the first time Brian had brought him here, and he still wasn't quite sure why. He watched as Brian closed the door behind them and tossed his jacket over onto the couch. There was an uncharacteristic quiet inside the loft, despite being in the midst of such a large city; the slightly open window drew in the warm breeze of the afternoon as Justin felt a sense of nervousness but also anticipation over what was going to happen next. He did not have long to wait.

The first kiss came within seconds and was sweet and a little awkward. Brian turned to hold Justin's face in his slightly trembling hands as Justin closed his eyes, just before Brian's lips pressed gently against his. As they drew back to stare into each other's faces, Brian silently took Justin's hand and led him toward the bedroom. Unable to deny himself any longer, Brian turned to tug at the hem of Justin's shirt, pulling it up and over his neck as he threw it down onto the floor.

His shirt was next as he pulled urgently at the buttons, sliding quickly out of it and letting it join Justin's shirt on the floor as he walked him back toward the bed. Laying him gently onto the mattress, he crawled between his legs and propped himself up by the elbows, raining kisses all over the pale neck and shoulders and causing Justin to shiver in desire beneath him as heated lips caressed soft, pliant skin.

Justin closed his eyes to savor the sensations rushing through him as Brian's lips continued to worship him; his kisses were soon followed by small, weak bites, causing sighs of pleasure to escape his parted mouth and making Brian's heart leap with happiness. Their bodies molded together, the heat between them palpable as their tongues and lips waged an arduous, sensual battle between them. As Brian finally pulled back to stare into Justin's eyes, they both knew they needed more; much more.

Wordlessly he reached down to pull urgently at the fly of Justin's jeans, gazing into the blue, expressive eyes for silent approval. In response Justin lifted his hips to allow Brian to pull his jeans and briefs down the pale legs, tugging the shoes, socks, and clothing off forcefully.

Brian stood up just long enough to discard the rest of his own clothes before kneeling on the bed and gazing down at the amazing sight before him. His breath caught in his throat as he murmured, "I…I didn't think you would be so…" He struggled to find the right words to do his lover justice as Justin lay there, flushed and aroused. Brian draped himself over the smaller body to sprinkle lengthy kisses on Justin's cheeks and the corner of his mouth before he finally found a way to express what he was feeling. "So…so beautiful," he whispered as he heard a small sigh escape Justin's lips. He buried his head in the crook of Justin's neck as one hand caressed the soft, blond locks. As they lay together, he couldn't help thinking how right, how perfect it felt.

After a few moments, Brian lifted his head to stare into Justin's eyes as the younger man's lips broke out into a tender smile. Justin hands lightly stroked down the tanned skin of Brian's back, his fingernails causing shivers to run down Brian's spine. It was a silent consent for what both knew was going to follow, a nonverbal desire for the teacher to teach a willing student.

Brian reached over to his nightstand to grab a condom and a small tube of lubricant, his eyes never leaving his lover's as he ripped it open and placed it beside them. Taking the lube, he squirted some onto his palm and warmed it up between his hands.

"Lift your legs and put them on my shoulders," Brian instructed him as Justin did as he was told.

"It'll be a little cold at first," Brian advised him as Justin nodded a little anxiously. Brian quickly sheathed his cock and slathered some lubricant on his shaft before leaning down to slide one coated finger inside Justin's hole as his lover gasped at the intrusion. "Breathe, Justin, breathe. Try to relax."

Justin bit his lip but nodded as he tried to force his body to accept the imposition. When he sensed Justin no longer fighting him, Brian took another finger and slid it inside, pushing them in a little deeper until he hit that bundle of nerves that caused Justin to gasp, startled.

"That's it," he soothed him as he rubbed his lover's belly with his other hand. "Let me in."

He raised himself up to line up with Justin's hole as their eyes locked together. "It's going to hurt," he warned. "But it'll be worth it; trust me."

Justin nodded as he grasped Brian's arms tightly and Brian pushed in. He squeezed his eyes tightly shut and hissed at the feeling of indescribable fullness. He groaned. "Brian…hurts."

"I know," Brian murmured as he pushed in further until they were bound together. "It'll be okay; I'm going to make you feel so good, Justin. Fuck, you are so tight, so amazingly tight."

Brian felt like he was under the influence of some habit-forming, potent drug as they lay there molded together, their breaths on each other's skin.

He stilled his movements briefly as he urged, "Open your eyes, Justin. I want to see you when you come and I want you to see me." By now, Justin's chest was heaving so rapidly in anticipation that his lover's whispered requested was barely audible, but Justin did hear him as his eyes fluttered open, dark, inky pools of lust-filled blue.

Brian kissed his lips before he grabbed his shoulders and began to thrust in and out, setting a dance in motion that Justin soon mastered. It would not be the first time that night that each surrendered to the other in mind-blowing passion. Their night of lovemaking went on for hours; every movement, every glance, every kiss and touch of hands and lips new and different, their skin on fire as they left burn marks forever.

When they finally gave into their exhaustion hours later, limbs tangled on disheveled, crumpled sheets, they strove to slow their breathing as they lay there, sweaty and sticky until Brian pulled his lover closer to him and turned them so Justin could rest his head on Brian's bare chest. Justin closed his eyes, sated and happy, as Brian's fingertips traced the angles of his jaw and then traveled to his cheek and up the side of his face to lightly caress the corner of his eye and then start over again. Brian used his lips to leave kisses on Justin's forehead as he continued to caress him, occasionally leaning down to kiss the swollen, ravaged, warm lips and leave light nips on his mouth.

He assumed that Justin was close to sleep now as he continued to caress him, until he felt him stirring beneath him and he placed his chin on top of the soft, blond head.

"I…I don't know how to say this exactly," Justin whispered against his chest, his warm breath tickling Brian's skin. "But I want you to know what I'm feeling right now, Brian. I've tried to keep it to myself, because I was afraid that you might not feel the same way. But I can't anymore," he confessed.

Brian held his breath as Justin continued, "I don't think it would be fair not to tell you or be dishonest with you after what we…after we…" He sighed in frustration and nervousness. He was scared of what Brian's reaction would be, but there was no turning back now. "I think now's the right time to tell you." He reached for one of Brian's hands to clutch it against his chest for support as he recalled, "The first time I saw you I couldn't believe my eyes; you were the most gorgeous man I had ever seen. I thought you were so perfect…and also totally unattainable to me." He paused with a smile. "Then Calvin ran up to me and pulled on my pants leg and, well, I started getting to know you and your son and…" He laughed nervously. "I'm not doing a good job of getting to the point here, am I?"

"Justin…" was the impatient but gentle chide. "What exactly are you trying to say?"

Justin took a deep breath. Here goes… "What I'm trying to say, Brian, is that…I…I think I'm falling in love with you."

When he didn't hear any response after several seconds, Justin lifted his head to peer into Brian's eyes, afraid of what he might see. Had he just made a big mistake? He curled his fingernails into his palms nervously as he watched Brian frown slightly as if in deep thought; when Brian's eyes finally met his, he watched him avert his gaze momentarily before he peered back down into the beautiful, anxious-looking face and finally smiled slightly, making Justin's heart do a flip-flop.

"So, uh…You think you're falling in love with me?" he asked softly with a sort of laugh. Justin nodded silently, swallowing hard as his mind conjured up all sorts of possible responses to what he had just said.

Brian's hands stopped their movement as he told him, "Well, I don't think I'm falling in love with you."

Justin's face fell and tears of dismay welled up in the back of his eyes until Brian took the fingers of his left hand and gently caressed the side of his face before cradling his head in both hands. "No, I'm not falling in love with you," he repeated. "Because that would be impossible," he explained. "It would be impossible because I'm already in love with you."

Justin's face lit up with happiness as Brian went on to admit, "I think I fell in love with you that first day I saw you in the park and you smiled at me. I had to be careful, though," he told him softly. "I'm not used to losing my heart over any man like this. I'm not very good with words, Justin," he admitted to his lover. He laughed. "I guess you figured that out when you were asking what Calvin's name was and I gave you mine instead." Justin smiled at him as Brian's face transformed into something tender. "But I want you to know that…," he took a deep breath before he finished, "…I love you, Justin Taylor."

Justin's face broke out into a blinding smile as he quickly wrapped his arms tightly around Brian's body and great joy flooded through him; it was as if they were of one mind and one body. At that moment, Justin could not adequately verbalize how happy he felt. This feeling was so new to him; he had never been in love before, but he knew that whatever it was called, it was the most wondrous feeling in the world.

"The clock is ticking! Only nostalgia is what makes things stop in time." ~Mario Quintana

Autumn

Three years passed; three years of "I love you's," fights, and sweet, passionate reconciliations. Three years of living with the man he loved. Justin hadn't quite accomplished everything he had set out to do in New York - he had not yet finished college, for instance - and in another time and place he might have given up and returned to Pittsburgh. But that was no longer an option anymore. His life had changed; now he shared it with the man who had become his soulmate. He loved Brian completely and Brian loved him just as deeply. To abandon that now would have almost been like committing a crime. His career was still a dream of his to pursue - and he did - but now with Brian in his life it was not the only passion he had, and it was not as paramount and all-encompassing as it had once been.

Offers to show his works in various galleries still were being received occasionally and considered; displaying his artwork would allow him to also accept the position of Director for the Art Department at Brian's advertising agency. His life was complete. But lately he felt so tired; the chest pain that had bothered him a few weeks ago was persisting and he found that often he just wanted to sleep.

Upon arriving home, Brian tossed his keys down onto the couch, taking care to drape his coat over the back. It was already past eight o'clock, and the apartment was completely silent and dark except for a dim, flickering light coming from the bedroom down the hall. Brian walked quietly toward the partly ajar door, pushing it open wider to observe Justin lying on the bed, his small body hunched around several pillows as he slept calmly.
Brian took a brief moment to indulge in observing his partner; in his curled up state, he appeared vulnerable but also so beautiful and angelic. He couldn't help worrying, though, about Justin's symptoms of fatigue and lack of energy lately; it was so unlike his partner to feel that way, and the cough he had been experiencing recently concerned him. He tried to convince himself that it had to just be some sort of simple flu and the result of Justin overextending himself at school and draining his vitality. But Justin's ragged breathing at times worried him. As he walked closer, he made a mental note to force him to go see a doctor tomorrow morning. But for now, he decided to just let him rest and get some more sleep.

His heart skipping a beat, Brian removed the rest of his clothes and moved to lie down behind Justin, pulling him toward his body and burrowing closer to him to let Justin feel the comfort of his body heat that he knew his boy loved so well. Justin unconsciously snuggled even more into the familiar touch, reassuring himself in his sleep until he was awakened several hours later by a series of wracking coughs and some shortness of breath. Hearing him in distress, Brian came rushing back in from the bathroom where he had just gotten out of the shower to gaze over at his partner with ever-growing concern.

Brian walked over to sit down on the side of the bed next to his lover. "Justin, are you all right? Is your flu getting worse?" He took care to express the question calmly, but he couldn't hide the gentle reproach in his voice.

Justin simply shrugged back at him as he rubbed his eyes with the back of his hands. Silently patting the mattress beside him, Brian rolled his eyes before leaning in to caress his lover's forehead and brush some hair back from the blue eyes.

Brian sighed. "Justin, you need to take better care of yourself. I don't want you getting pneumonia again last you had last year. The doctor told you to cut back on your cigarette smoking, too, remember? And no arguments; I want you to go to the doctor tomorrow so he can look at you, because I…" He never got to complete his sentence before Justin captured his lips in a searing kiss, one that started out slowly but quickly evolved into something more passionate.

As they finally pulled back, Justin reassured him, "I'm fine, worrywart; I'm sure it's nothing serious. I'd rather hear about your day instead. How did your meeting go this morning?" While Justin sincerely wanted to know, he also silently acknowledged that his question was also being used as a distraction so Brian did not persist with his questions about his health.

"It went all right," Brian told him, "But it was incredibly tedious. A bunch of old men - and not very attractive ones, either - sitting around trying to outdo each other." Brian laughed softly. "You would have been bored to death." He stroked the side of Justin's face as he admitted, "The whole time I just sat there, nodding my head in agreement while I was counting down the hours until I could get back here to be with you." Still clad only in his towel from the shower, he lay down next to Justin to pull him into his arms against his bare chest as he wrapped his arms around him loosely to stare into his eyes.

Justin laughed. "You have been uncharacteristically romantic lately, Mr. Kinney…Did you do something wrong and now you're trying to redeem yourself somehow?" he teased. Justin scooted over so he could rest his chin on Brian's chest as he stared into the warm, brown eyes curiously. One side of Brian's mouth quirked up in amusement before he finally grinned.

"Okay, you win. I confess. I betrayed you with the executive assistant who works on the third floor of my building. He was a great fuck, too," he added for good measure. His hands slid to grip Justin's waist as he lifted his eyebrows to stare down at him.

Justin laughed. "You are such a bad liar, Kinney! If I was feeling a little better, I might have fallen for that, but um…an executive assistant ? You wouldn't stoop that low. It would have to at least be a junior ad executive or something to get YOUR interest." His hands skimmed over Brian's chest as he twisted and pinched one of his lover's nipples, making Brian grunt.

"How do you know he didn't have a big cock, or maybe I was just experimenting a little after I got tired of you?" Brian countered reasonably, his face solemn. He was being totally facetious, but by the crestfallen look on his partner's face he suddenly realized that perhaps he was being a little too convincing.

"Justin…"

"You've gotten tired of me? Has my illness turned you off now? Maybe you should have mentioned that before." Justin's fears and insecurities rose to the surface all of a sudden. Was it possible Brian was telling the truth? It wasn't like him to be so overtly romantic. Shaking his head, Justin abruptly sat up and, swinging his legs over the bed, he stood up and quickly walked over to the wall of windows that overlooked the busy streets below, uncaring of how undressed he was at the moment as he stood there in the darkness, hugging his arms across his chest.

Brian sighed as he rose from the bed and walked over to his lover to place his arms around his waist. "Justin, fuck, it was just a joke," he murmured. I don't even think about doing that anymore," he confessed softly. " You're my life now. Don't you know that?" He turned Justin in his arms to stare into his eyes sweeping his fingers over his cheek in reassurance. Justin gazed into his eyes, seeking comfort, before he swallowed the lump in his throat.

"I'm…I'm sorry, Brian," he whispered. "I guess I overreacted. The thought of losing you is just too much for me sometimes."

"Justin, why would think that you would ever lose me? I'm not going anywhere."

Justin shook his head. "I don't know. It's just that I keep having these dreams where I'm all alone, looking for you, and I can never find you. It makes me afraid. I don't want to ever lose you, Brian." His arms slid around to tighten around his lover's back as he buried his face in Brian's chest.

Brian placed his chin on Justin's head and gently rocked him back and forth. "That's not going to happen, Justin. I have no intention of going anywhere without you. You have nothing to be afraid of."

"But what if I had to leave you ?" Justin pressed unexpectedly. He turned his head to gaze out the window, a faraway look in his eyes. "Would you be able to forgive yourself if that ever happened?" he asked quietly.

Brian's brows knitted with concern. "What are you…What do you mean?" he sputtered out. "Why would you even say such a thing?" He had no idea what Justin was talking about, but the tears in Justin's eyes frightened him.

"Justin…What…?"

Justin shook his head. "I…I just mean that if anything ever happened, you know? If one day I had to leave you…would you be able to forgive me? Forgive yourself?"

Brian was at a loss momentarily as to how to answer that question. The whole idea was absurd and unfounded. "Justin, that's a ridiculous question," Brian told him flatly. "Nothing is going to happen to you. Why in the hell would you even ask such a question? Stop being so morbid." Just the thought of it, however outlandish, filled Brian with a sense of intense loss and foreboding, almost like a physical pain. He could never imagine his life now without Justin in it.

Justin nodded absentmindedly. "Never mind, Brian," he whispered at last with a sigh. "Just…go back to bed, okay? Please."

Brian stood there for a few moments in uncertainty until he asked softly, "Are you coming?"

Justin shook his head. "Not right now. I…I just want to stay here for a little while by myself."

Brian didn't want to leave Justin there alone, but somehow he realized it was what he needed, so he finally nodded. "Okay," he agreed reluctantly as he released him. "But don't stay here too long."

Justin nodded as Brian turned and headed back toward the bedroom. He reached for a cigarette nearby to light it, standing there facing the window with it dangling between his lips, deep in thought. Being on the twelfth floor provided him with a bird's eye view of what was occurring below; the city really was alive no matter what hour it was. The night lights sparkled and reflected through the window, the red, yellow, and green stoplights blinking a regular kaleidoscope of color. Despite the windows being open, he couldn't hear all the city noise below but could easily feel the change in the weather, the cool breeze that autumn often brought, almost so palpable that he could smell the difference.

Despite what he had told Brian a few minutes earlier, he wound up standing there for hours, lighting one cigarette after another, even though he experienced periodic bouts of coughing strong enough to leave him with additional chest pain and shortness of breath again. He knew Brian was right; he was merely being morose for nothing. It was almost as if he was so happy that he was waiting for the other shoe to inevitably drop, which was both unproductive as well as unreasonable.

Once the coldness of night became too much to bear, he shivered before shutting the curtains partway and turning to head back down toward the bedroom. He could see Brian lying in bed on his back through the light shining in through the bedroom windows; at first he thought he was asleep, but as he approached Brian reached to pull the blanket away from his side of the bed to allow him to crawl in beside him, covering him up as he lay down before he turned and pulled Justin into his arms. It was a tacit way of asking for forgiveness; one that Justin easily accepted as the two of them finally fell asleep minutes later in each other's arms.

The days went by slowly after that; everything seemed to have been settled between the two of them, even if the problem did not go away. Justin had managed to convince Brian that he was fine and did not need a doctor. He had also decided to accept Brian's job offer to work with him at Kinnetik, and had been spending some time gathering the necessary purchases he would need for Thanksgiving dinner. He and Brian were entertaining several of their 'family,' including Brian's best friend, Michael, Michael's husband, Ben, Gus, and his two moms, along with Daphne and her boyfriend, his mother and his sister, and he wanted everything to be perfect for their first holiday together.

The night of the dinner arrived, and everything went smoothly. Everyone enjoyed some a delicious dinner and some quiet conversation, interspersed with Justin's periodic coughing spells.

Walking out onto the balcony after dinner for a smoke, seconds later Justin felt suddenly nauseous as he quickly stamped out the cigarette and rushed back inside to the bathroom. Brian, enjoying an after-dinner drink at the dining room table, quickly rose from his place and hurried down the hallway toward the bathroom, finding Justin bent over the vanity, red blood mixed in with his spit.

Brian bit back panic as he reached to grab a paper cup and fill it with water, his hands shaking. "Justin, is everything okay?" he asked quietly.

Justin nodded silently as he took the cup from Brian and downed some of the water, trying to keep from coughing again; the ache in his chest felt heavy and leaden.

"Justin, how long has this been going on?" Brian probed as he eyed his partner intently. "You should have told me."

"Calm down, Brian; I'm fine," Justin replied a little defensively. He took another drink as he raised his head and turned to look at him. "I still have the cough, but this is the first time I've ever seen any blood. Don't worry; it was nothing. Come on; let's go back to our guests." Wadding the paper cup up into a ball, he turned and grasped Brian's hand to lead him out of the bathroom, effectively ending their conversation, at least temporarily.

By two am all the guests had left and they were finally alone. They headed of one accord to bed and lay there together in an embrace in the dimness.

"Brian?"

"Hmm?"

"I…I have no idea what to get you for Christmas," was the soft lament.

Brian's fingers stroked the smooth flesh of Justin's hand as he frowned in surprise over Justin's odd statement. What had made him think of that? "Well, you don't have to worry about that," he reassured him softly. "I have everything I need; I have you ." Even though he couldn't quite make out Justin's expression in the darkness, he knew he had to be smiling; he always did whenever he said something out of character and inexplicably romantic. His suspicions were confirmed when Justin turned in his arms to sprinkle kisses all over his face in response.

"Nice try," Brian quipped as he held him in his arms. "But don't think I've forgotten. As soon as the holidays are over, Mr. Taylor, you are going to go to the doctor; no arguments."

Justin sighed in resignation as he snuggled up next to Brian as his partner slid his arm around his waist protectively. "All right."

Brian smiled in satisfaction as he turned to drape himself over his lover. He found his voice slightly choked up as he replied, "I love you, Justin. I always want you to be safe, and I want you around me for long time. And I want you to take care of yourself - for your sake as well as mine." It was a rare, heartfelt confession, only whispered between the four walls of their apartment, and even though it was almost impossible to see the face of his partner in the darkness, Brian couldn't help feeling the tears streaming down Justin's face.

"Hey, what's going on?" he pressed softly in concern. He gently brushed the tears away with his fingertips, but he couldn't completely stop them from escaping. "Justin?" This felt like more than just sentimentality in reaction to what he had said.

"I'm…scared, Brian," Justin confessed with a choked whisper, "and I can't really say why..." Justin took one of Brian's hands and clasped it tightly between his fingers almost painfully.

Brian sounded more confident than he felt as he replied soothingly, "It's okay; there's no need for you to worry; I'm here with you, ok? I'm here and I'll always protect you. I meant it when I told you that I love you." He swallowed hard, not liking this conversation at all. A sense of great dread washed over him, but he forced himself to dismiss the feeling.

"I love you, too, Brian; almost too much. Please don't ever forget that. Promise me."

Brian leaned over and nuzzled a damp cheek. "I promise. And the same goes for you. Now please stop crying; you're getting the duvet all wet," he teased him, trying hard to lighten his lover's mood. "Sleep now," he urged. "I'm right here, Sunshine."

When Justin's quiet sobs had ceased and his breath evened out, Brian loosened his grip, but did not let go of the smaller hand. As Justin slept beside him, he allowed his own fear to overtake him as he, too, cried silently. In exhaustion, he turned to pull Justin tighter into his arms before finally falling into a fitful sleep.

The next morning the sun appeared, but despite the warmth it was not able to heat the coldness that permeated the morning. Bright splashes of sunshine peeked through the door and made the room bright with daylight as Brian's eyes fluttered open against the intrusion. Turning his head, he noticed Justin lying on the other side of the bed, still fast asleep. Quietly he rose from the bed and took a quick shower, taking a few minutes to start the coffeemaker.

Creeping back into the bedroom, he observed Justin curled up into a ball, and felt his heart sink for no apparent reason. He tried to shake the gloomy sensation pervading his body, the feeling that had haunted him since last night as he walked closer, needing to pull Justin once more into his arms and never wanting to let him go. Holding Justin closely, he attempted to convince himself that Justin would be okay and would soon be feeling like his typical, animated self. Yes, he was sure that once Justin went to the doctor and took better care of himself that soon he would be back on the road to recovery and would feel normal again. Kissing Justin's hair and inhaling the intriguing scent that he loved, he reluctantly disentangled himself to rise once more from the bed, leaving Justin under the covers. It was still early and he knew Justin needed as much rest as possible.

Deciding that Justin might enjoy some of his favorite, homemade candy made by the shop across town, Brian decided to surprise his lover and hopefully lift his spirits. Kissing Justin tenderly on the forehead, he could barely tear himself away. Stealing a brief kiss from his partner's soft lips, at last he quietly turned to go, leaving a note on the nightstand that read, Good Morning, Sunshine. Don't worry; I will be back soon. Love you. Brian.

An hour later, Justin struggled to rise from the bed, finding the bed empty and wondering where Brian had gone. Shuffling painfully over to the dresser, he picked up the handwritten note that his partner had left him and smiled, putting it carefully back in its place before, feeling bone weary and still exhausted, he turned and headed back to the bed, falling back to sleep within minutes of his head hitting the pillow.

He wasn't sure how long he slept, but at some point he woke up again, this time with pain radiating from his shoulder and with his chest aching terribly. Finding it hard to take a deep breath, he reached for the cordless phone lying next to the bed on the nightstand and punched in Brian's cell number. The phone had barely rung when Brian picked up.

"Good Morning, Sleepyhead," Brian replied cheerfully on the other end. "I see you're finally awake. I should be home soon, and I have a surprise for you…" He peered over at the bag of homemade chocolates nestled inside a small, white box next to the driver's seat and smiled.

Justin's voice when he replied, however, made Brian's blood run cold and sent a chill through his body. He could barely hear what Justin was saying as he struggled to speak.

"I…I love you, Brian." Justin's eyelids grew heavy as the blue eyes closed once more and the phone fell from his hand, clattering to the floor.

"Justin, are you okay?" Brian asked urgently into the phone. But all he received was an eerie silence. "Sunshine? Justin, talk to me!" A feeling of great despair flowed through him. "Justin, listen to me! I will be right there, do you hear me? Hold on!" But it was too late.

Winter

Two years later

Brian couldn't go to the funeral that week, not after having found Justin lifeless and still lying in the bed they shared. He knew that he was dead and that he wasn't coming back; but he still couldn't accept that he wouldn't wake up to find his warm body curled up next to his ever again. Every morning he turned over to look anyway, always finding it empty and cold. He couldn't even cry. It was as if something inside of him was blocking him from revealing any weakness; it was as if he was hoping the door would open at any moment and Justin would come rushing in, smiling at him with that smile that always dazzled and mesmerized him from the very first day they had met. He knew it was a desperate illusion. But if he allowed himself to cry and to mourn, he knew that would mean that he had come to accept his death and he could not accept it; not yet.

He knew it was stupid and overly sentimental to want to hear his voice again one last time, or to pull him desperately into his arms and hug him to his body until it was time to part again. Yes, it was stupid, but it was his last hope. God, he wanted him there so badly. That was the way it should be, right? He just could not say goodbye yet.

It had never crossed his mind that he would lose him; it was a nonexistent fear. Justin was young and healthy. Stupid, stupid cigarettes. Stupid addiction. He knew it had been an almost childlike vow that they would be together forever, but if he had been given the choice between him or Justin having to suffer this affliction, he would have gladly borne it if it meant that Justin could live again.

Sometimes he liked to sit in a corner, alone, and relive the moments they had shared together. That first kiss and sweet exchange in the park, saved like an old picture in his drawer of memories; their first night together and all the other times they had lived. It was a way to keep him alive. It was very painful in a way, but his memories were something that he would have forever and that would never leave him. He wanted more with him, more memories; but he knew that would not happen and he wasn't coming back to create any more of them, so he clung tenaciously to all he could remember of him. His beautiful face, his dazzling smile, his passion, his soft, spun-gold hair, and his love. His love for HIM, even with all his imperfections of which there were many.

The memories were more intense and vivid on rainy days when the moist, dense air came gusting in from the outside; when the sky was a dull, angry gray and looked like a track of tears streaming down against the glass of his apartment. The nights were even colder; they were cold even during the hottest of humid, summer days and the air, heavy and thick, came blowing through the slightly-parted curtains. That feeling of coldness never left him even then.

Try as he might to put everything in order, including his life, it was all a fucking mess inside and out. He refused to remove Justin's favorite, dark-colored coat that still hung behind the hall closet door; the coat that still retained Justin's unique scent. His scruffy shoes were still waiting for their owner on the floor by the bedroom closet. And despite how empty Brian felt as he gazed over at all of Justin's paintings that still hung on the wall, he couldn't bear to remove them.

Most of all, he missed the arms that used to hold him in the dark and listen to his hopes, dreams and even his fears. The pictures in his mind pursued him relentlessly, night and day. He missed everything about Justin and mourned alone, out of everyone's sight. He had never felt so utterly desolate and destroyed. He had tasted the best, he had been loved by the best; and now everything was lifeless and dull. Now, somehow, he had to find a way to go back to living again, to tread a path where there was no middle and no ending, always seeking a beginning that he knew would never compare to the one that he had already lived.

None of the songs he heard on the radio had the same meaning, the same resonance. Movies that he used to enjoy watching had lost all their magic, yet he still sought both. The songs they used to listen to seemed to innately know what he was feeling and what he had lost. They helped to remember him. The movies depicted a happier time with him. Everything that was good in the world reminded him painfully of Justin's goodness.

The blue eyes that used to stare back at him with such curiosity and love created a huge void in his life now. He remembered the special way that Justin had looked at only him. They would look at each other as if they were uncovering each other's souls, and seconds later his lips would twitch into an innocent-looking smile; a smile that told of the many secrets they shared before they came together for yet another kiss. He could almost feel Justin's arms around him now, providing him with the comfort that he so desperately needed. But there would be no more hugs and kisses, and only the emptiness remained as his ever-present, faithful companion.

He knew that no matter how he resumed living, there would always be something missing. He would never be complete. Half of his soul had departed, never to return. He would miss Justin. He would miss him like the sun misses the flower during the cold days of winter. But the sun also kept hope alive, for he knew that the flowers would return again in the early days of spring. The sun was an eternal optimist, a harbinger of hope. Yes, the sun would continue to shine just as it had for millenniums before. But Brian's own sun had lost its luster, because he knew his own spring would never be quite the same.

Among all the stars and boulevards that lit the night sky over the big city, his own light was lost. He had lost one of the touchstones that inexplicably made sense out of his somewhat erratic life, the reason that made him wake up in the morning. The reason that brought a smile to his lips and warmed his heart. Justin was his light, his heart and his everything that gave meaning to his life. Now he had lost all of its certainties and his future path was a big question. The love of his life was gone and not coming back. Never again.

And it hurt. This irreplaceable loss would hurt him the rest of his life. He would never stop questioning why. Why was it that Life would give you what you most desire, only to take away what was most dear to you? He could not understand. He would NEVER understand.

Brian adjusted the collar of his coat closer around his neck, protecting himself from the cold. He lowered himself to kneel in front of the grave as he deposited red tulips on the marble base of the tombstone. Small, gossamer snowflakes, delicate and fragile to the touch much like his heart, fell profusely down to the ground, producing a clean, white blanket of freshly fallen snow. The cold winter could be compared to the cold that he had been feeling in his chest for the past two years. He touched his fingers to his lips and then against the cold, smooth stone, depositing a soft kiss on the silver, script lettering that read: Justin C. Taylor, My Eternal Sunshine. Looking at the small, oval photo attached to the front of the headstone, he brushed his fingers reverently against the beautiful, timeless face before he stood up and headed toward his car.

Final Note:

Please do not hate me. I needed to write this story.
Comments are welcome!