Dear God,
Please help me in my time of need.
We have done so much to look for work in this house. Our family needs to have the things to take care of ourselves and sadly, in this day and age, that requires money. We don't want commodities. I would gladly give up the internet and this stupid 42" TV, my games, all my systems... just so that I can say my debts are justly paid and my family is cared for. I don't pray at all to any God. But I am beginning to unravel underneath all the pain and pressure of doing things 'right', and caring for everyone.
I don't like the things I think or feel when I unravel like this.
I don't like the person I become when I start to lash out because I feel lost and helpless and so very, very alone.
I don't feel any connection to most of the people in the courtyard where I live. They are gossip-y, bitter, penny-pinching old women. The ones who sit outside are the ones that gossip, and some of their children are horrible. But all I want is for my son to play with Cooper, the little one from across the courtyard who has sleep Apnea - around ten months. He's a really nice baby, he doesn't do as much as Aidyn because of his health problems but he's a joyful little one who doesn't know anything like how he should be crawling and whatnot by now. He used to have seizures where he would stop breathing when he was much younger. Now it only happens maybe once or twice a night, at which times the mother has to wake him up and make him startle so he'll breathe again. He has a thing on his foot that reads oxygen in his blood through infrared or something, and it beeps when it seems like it is low.
I feel like a lot of shit has gone on in my life, and instead of feeling stronger for it, I just feel frantic... and each time things go well, we get sloppy, and we hit yet another low - and this time I don't want to fuck up at all. I can't afford to fuck up. I can't afford to be kicked out of yet another place - and now with Aidyn becoming mobile, it's like a race against time to find work and pay our bills.
I'm so fucking scared sometimes. Kirby has to hold me at night and comfort me. I can't breathe when I cry - I cry differently than I used to, too. Now, whenever I cry, I feel like I'm drowning. I hyperventilate. And Kir has to rub my back and tell me it's okay and with my next breath, I'm wailing again. I have to do it in a pillow so as not to upset Aidyn. But he can always tell when I'm in one of my moods. This, also, makes me kind of sad. Why can't I just be happy - if not for me then for my own son's sake?
I will find a job next. Something to work during the daytime. Kir will be working nights, and that will be rough rough shit. But if he trains himself and he can make it, then it will be okay... I'll get him started on drinkin' coffee to get him through. It'll be great.
Sorry for being so long-winded about so many things. I figure I do not write in my LJ as often, since I have a leatherbound journal that I keep. I had so much to write about, I thought I typed faster and more accurately. So here I go.
Hope you enjoyed my random rantings, God.
We have done so much to look for work in this house. Our family needs to have the things to take care of ourselves and sadly, in this day and age, that requires money. We don't want commodities. I would gladly give up the internet and this stupid 42" TV, my games, all my systems... just so that I can say my debts are justly paid and my family is cared for. I don't pray at all to any God. But I am beginning to unravel underneath all the pain and pressure of doing things 'right', and caring for everyone.
I don't like the things I think or feel when I unravel like this.
I don't like the person I become when I start to lash out because I feel lost and helpless and so very, very alone.
I don't feel any connection to most of the people in the courtyard where I live. They are gossip-y, bitter, penny-pinching old women. The ones who sit outside are the ones that gossip, and some of their children are horrible. But all I want is for my son to play with Cooper, the little one from across the courtyard who has sleep Apnea - around ten months. He's a really nice baby, he doesn't do as much as Aidyn because of his health problems but he's a joyful little one who doesn't know anything like how he should be crawling and whatnot by now. He used to have seizures where he would stop breathing when he was much younger. Now it only happens maybe once or twice a night, at which times the mother has to wake him up and make him startle so he'll breathe again. He has a thing on his foot that reads oxygen in his blood through infrared or something, and it beeps when it seems like it is low.
I feel like a lot of shit has gone on in my life, and instead of feeling stronger for it, I just feel frantic... and each time things go well, we get sloppy, and we hit yet another low - and this time I don't want to fuck up at all. I can't afford to fuck up. I can't afford to be kicked out of yet another place - and now with Aidyn becoming mobile, it's like a race against time to find work and pay our bills.
I'm so fucking scared sometimes. Kirby has to hold me at night and comfort me. I can't breathe when I cry - I cry differently than I used to, too. Now, whenever I cry, I feel like I'm drowning. I hyperventilate. And Kir has to rub my back and tell me it's okay and with my next breath, I'm wailing again. I have to do it in a pillow so as not to upset Aidyn. But he can always tell when I'm in one of my moods. This, also, makes me kind of sad. Why can't I just be happy - if not for me then for my own son's sake?
I will find a job next. Something to work during the daytime. Kir will be working nights, and that will be rough rough shit. But if he trains himself and he can make it, then it will be okay... I'll get him started on drinkin' coffee to get him through. It'll be great.
Sorry for being so long-winded about so many things. I figure I do not write in my LJ as often, since I have a leatherbound journal that I keep. I had so much to write about, I thought I typed faster and more accurately. So here I go.
Hope you enjoyed my random rantings, God.