The Sketch Comedy
Me being the completely self-absorbed person that I am, I have decided that I am going to post all of the material that I come up with for my 'Writing Comedy' class. It is a writing intensive class where we learn all of the fundamentals to the different types of comedic writing (i.e. sketch comedy, memoirs, dark humor writing...) and then turn in our product. The second assignment was to write a sketch comedy, sort of like the sort of thing you'd see at Second City, only not as funny because we are amateurs. So here it is:
“A GAY OL’ TIME”
D. Stunkel
9.24.06 (Version #2)
CAST
CHUCK - Teenager
DARREL - Late 20’s
RALPH - 40’s
SUSAN - 40’s
CARLY - 20’s
(A Walgreen’s stock room. CHUCK enters while putting on a name tag and looking around.)
CHUCK
(British accent)
Hi, I’m Chuck.
DARREL
New guy, right?
CHUCK
Yes, that would be me. Ralph up front actually just told me that we need to bring forward some Gerber-
(DARREL interrupts him.)
DARREL
Yeah, don’t listen to what he says, he’s a gay.
CHUCK
Um, excuse me?
DARREL
Yeah, he doesn’t communicate correctly because he likes dudes.
(CHUCK stammers a bit.)
CHUCK
I... I really don’t think that is appropriate.
DARREL
And I don’t think it’s appropriate that he likes to make out with other men and not have the common decency to keep it to himself!
(Pause.)
DARREL
C’mere, I’ll show you around.
(Begins walking down the aisle of boxes.)
DARREL
You ever had any good jobs before this one?
CHUCK
No, not really. I’m a sophomore in high school.
DARREL
Oh, I’ve had my fair amount of jobs in my day. Yeah, I was a peanut factory accountant, talk about tedious, a bullet proof vest tester-
CHUCK
(overlapping)
Shouldn’t we be bringing out these baby foods to Ralph, or-
DARREL
A marathon timer-
(RALPH barges into the stock room.)
RALPH
We need those cans up front today, gentlemen!
DARREL
You got it, chief!
(DARREL gives RALPH the thumbs up. RALPH exits. Without missing a beat DARREL goes back to talking.)
DARREL
But the worst job I ever had was as a janitor at an abortion clinic. Whoof, I mean, that was.. messy, and-
(CHUCK interrupts DARREL.)
CHUCK
DARREL! We need to get those cans out there!
(DARREL rolls his eyes and picks up a PA system mic.)
DARREL
Harris to stock! Harris to stock!
(HARRIS enters the stock room, looking at DARREL. DARREL hands him a tray of baby food.)
DARREL
Here, take these to Gay-Z.
(HARRIS nods and exits. Chuck stands with mouth open.)
CHUCK
Did you just call our mananger G... Gay-Z?
DARREL
Clever, isn’t it? Cause he’s gay, ya know?
CHUCK
I don’t think I want to work in this type of homophobic environment.
DARREL
You’re the homophobe! You are obviously feeling awkward due to the gay man that came into this room earlier!
(CHUCK scoffs at DARREL.)
CHUCK
That is not true!
DARREL
Said the homophobe. Does knowing that I slept with the cashier Susan, wife and mother of four, make you feel awkward too, Chuck?
CHUCK
I don’t care to know these things!
(SUSAN enters.)
SUSAN
Hey guys, I need some paper towels, some lady with a beautiful little baby dropped some Snapple so I told Ralph I’d pick it up.
DARREL
Hey Susan. This is Chuck. He doesn’t like you cause we’ve slept together.
(SUSAN turns to CHUCK and points her finger.)
SUSAN
Listen here, you little shit, I like to get plowed and my husband has a small dick. So fuck you and the horse you rode in on.
DARREL
Come to think of it, I bet you’re setting your judgemental eye on Carly in pharmaceuticals for being into S&M, aren’t you, Chuck?
CHUCK
I am not! I haven’t even met Carly!
DARREL
Well you met Ralph and you hate him for being gay.
(CARLY enters.)
CARLY
Hey guys, do any of you have a cig I can b- ooo, a newbie!
SUSAN
He knows you’re into whips.
CARLY
Fuck.
(CARLY exits. RALPH barges in and begins looking around.)
RALPH
Someone dropped a bottle of lotion and we need to mop it up.
DARREL
Chuck hates you because your gay.
(CHUCK stares at DARREL in disbelief.)
RALPH
Is this true?
CHUCK
No!
DARREL
Just tell him you hate him cause he kisses men.
SUSAN
Yeah, call him a faggot, you know you want to.
CHUCK
No!
DARREL
If you say it then it’s out there and it won’t be awkward anymore.
CHUCK
I’m gay!
(Pause.)
DARREL
Really?
CHUCK
YES!
DARREL
Wanna go out sometime?
Now, if you are actually reading this, give me some feedback if you want. Do you hate it? Do you love it? Funny? Offensive? Stupid as shit? Tom Green is funnier?
Thanks, and I love you all.
Next on the roster: MEMOIR!
“A GAY OL’ TIME”
D. Stunkel
9.24.06 (Version #2)
CAST
CHUCK - Teenager
DARREL - Late 20’s
RALPH - 40’s
SUSAN - 40’s
CARLY - 20’s
(A Walgreen’s stock room. CHUCK enters while putting on a name tag and looking around.)
CHUCK
(British accent)
Hi, I’m Chuck.
DARREL
New guy, right?
CHUCK
Yes, that would be me. Ralph up front actually just told me that we need to bring forward some Gerber-
(DARREL interrupts him.)
DARREL
Yeah, don’t listen to what he says, he’s a gay.
CHUCK
Um, excuse me?
DARREL
Yeah, he doesn’t communicate correctly because he likes dudes.
(CHUCK stammers a bit.)
CHUCK
I... I really don’t think that is appropriate.
DARREL
And I don’t think it’s appropriate that he likes to make out with other men and not have the common decency to keep it to himself!
(Pause.)
DARREL
C’mere, I’ll show you around.
(Begins walking down the aisle of boxes.)
DARREL
You ever had any good jobs before this one?
CHUCK
No, not really. I’m a sophomore in high school.
DARREL
Oh, I’ve had my fair amount of jobs in my day. Yeah, I was a peanut factory accountant, talk about tedious, a bullet proof vest tester-
CHUCK
(overlapping)
Shouldn’t we be bringing out these baby foods to Ralph, or-
DARREL
A marathon timer-
(RALPH barges into the stock room.)
RALPH
We need those cans up front today, gentlemen!
DARREL
You got it, chief!
(DARREL gives RALPH the thumbs up. RALPH exits. Without missing a beat DARREL goes back to talking.)
DARREL
But the worst job I ever had was as a janitor at an abortion clinic. Whoof, I mean, that was.. messy, and-
(CHUCK interrupts DARREL.)
CHUCK
DARREL! We need to get those cans out there!
(DARREL rolls his eyes and picks up a PA system mic.)
DARREL
Harris to stock! Harris to stock!
(HARRIS enters the stock room, looking at DARREL. DARREL hands him a tray of baby food.)
DARREL
Here, take these to Gay-Z.
(HARRIS nods and exits. Chuck stands with mouth open.)
CHUCK
Did you just call our mananger G... Gay-Z?
DARREL
Clever, isn’t it? Cause he’s gay, ya know?
CHUCK
I don’t think I want to work in this type of homophobic environment.
DARREL
You’re the homophobe! You are obviously feeling awkward due to the gay man that came into this room earlier!
(CHUCK scoffs at DARREL.)
CHUCK
That is not true!
DARREL
Said the homophobe. Does knowing that I slept with the cashier Susan, wife and mother of four, make you feel awkward too, Chuck?
CHUCK
I don’t care to know these things!
(SUSAN enters.)
SUSAN
Hey guys, I need some paper towels, some lady with a beautiful little baby dropped some Snapple so I told Ralph I’d pick it up.
DARREL
Hey Susan. This is Chuck. He doesn’t like you cause we’ve slept together.
(SUSAN turns to CHUCK and points her finger.)
SUSAN
Listen here, you little shit, I like to get plowed and my husband has a small dick. So fuck you and the horse you rode in on.
DARREL
Come to think of it, I bet you’re setting your judgemental eye on Carly in pharmaceuticals for being into S&M, aren’t you, Chuck?
CHUCK
I am not! I haven’t even met Carly!
DARREL
Well you met Ralph and you hate him for being gay.
(CARLY enters.)
CARLY
Hey guys, do any of you have a cig I can b- ooo, a newbie!
SUSAN
He knows you’re into whips.
CARLY
Fuck.
(CARLY exits. RALPH barges in and begins looking around.)
RALPH
Someone dropped a bottle of lotion and we need to mop it up.
DARREL
Chuck hates you because your gay.
(CHUCK stares at DARREL in disbelief.)
RALPH
Is this true?
CHUCK
No!
DARREL
Just tell him you hate him cause he kisses men.
SUSAN
Yeah, call him a faggot, you know you want to.
CHUCK
No!
DARREL
If you say it then it’s out there and it won’t be awkward anymore.
CHUCK
I’m gay!
(Pause.)
DARREL
Really?
CHUCK
YES!
DARREL
Wanna go out sometime?
Now, if you are actually reading this, give me some feedback if you want. Do you hate it? Do you love it? Funny? Offensive? Stupid as shit? Tom Green is funnier?
Thanks, and I love you all.
Next on the roster: MEMOIR!