E.D. update
Tonight is a low for me, so I figure writing about it might help. [I'm pretty sure I'm bi-polar, what with having suicidal tendencies and suddenly having it all vanish within several hours or so]. Let's see...a lot has changed within the past year. I've lost the person who was most important to me...my ex-boyfriend/ex-best friend. Seriously, this guy was my soul mate. We completed each other's sentences for god's sake. He was the one person I could depend on. And he ruined it. He fucked me over, spread sexual rumors about me all around the school, got involved with drugs, told me he didn't need my 'attention' when I tried to help. What the fuck. We'd only been friends for around two years, but he had helped me through a lot with my e.d, and to hear that he didn't want to be around me hurt me so much. I don't understand how we went from all this...to nothing...especially when we had dated...afterwards...I became convinced that my body was why he suddenly stopped talking to me. Yeah. He just stopped talking to me. I was kinda glad...I hated that he would talk about other girls' bodies, even when he knew I was bulimic. He was changing, and I couldn't do anything to stop him, and he just left.
I started binging and purging like no other. During school, seeing him flirt with all those other girls ON PURPOSE in front me, just ruined me. It got so bad I would wake up at 3 in the morning, just to binge and purge TWICE before school. Then I'd have to walk into the classroom with my throat burning, my face bloated, my eyes red and hurting...ugh. Then, after school...maybe three more times. I stopped caring about homework and everything else that mattered to me. I stopped writing. I stopped drawing. I stopped playing my piano. i stopped running. I just waited for death to come and get me. Four years of struggling and for what? I was convinced I was a failure....that I had an eating disorder but I wasn't even close to being skinny.
But somehow, I got through it. I don't even remember how, or the day I decided that I would turn my life around. Well, I do remember the day I stopped purging....June 12, 2010. I think that's a year later from when my other friend committed suicide. But that's beside the point. Oh. Now I remember. K-Pop...I know that sounds crazy, but the world of K-Pop kept me going. It's such a completely diff. entertainment industry....they have all these variety shows where you can get to know your idols better and whatnot. And the passion and unity those groups have when they dance on stage...I just couldn't let it go. It was enchanting and it was liberation to me from my dreary, fucked up world. SNSD was one of the first girl groups I fell in love with. I loved how there was nine girls in a group, but they had the closest bond I have seen up to date with any girl group. They were all so hilarious and kind and hard-working...it killed me to see that they were attacked by antis for having plastic surgery done or other hateful rumors spread about them. They're still on top now, and I wish them the best in Japan, but they really saved me. So did SHINee...I've come to love SHINee so much. I'm not so crazy I want to marry one of them, but their perseverance and seeing how far they've all come is so inspirational to me. Yeah, it's stupid, but K-Pop saved my life.
Now there really isn't anything to get off my chest. I don't feel so horrible anymore, now that I'm talking about my favorite K-Pop band, haha. But, yeah. In two days, it will have been one month since the day I said, "Fuck you, Bulimia!" and just completely quit purging, cold turkey. I haven't really gained, either...this is amazing for me. I've lost a few lbs, but I'm planning on dieting hardcore once school starts. I'm just so fucking proud I made it here to where I am, and I know that I can reach even higher if I push myself. A few months ago, I was just completely lifeless. Today, I am grateful that I wasn't in the pitiful state I was in for the entire school year....what with my e.d and insomnia and severe depression and whatnot. I'm proud I was able to 'recover' without the use of meds, or without praying to God. That's a huge biggie to me. I never really ever believed in having God support me, [I believe he exists, but I believe he's a fucked up bastard] and I feel so empowered that I was able to regain my sense of identity without resorting to what most people have resorted to.
Anyway. This has been a huge load off my chest.
Sleep tight guys, I love you all.
<3
I started binging and purging like no other. During school, seeing him flirt with all those other girls ON PURPOSE in front me, just ruined me. It got so bad I would wake up at 3 in the morning, just to binge and purge TWICE before school. Then I'd have to walk into the classroom with my throat burning, my face bloated, my eyes red and hurting...ugh. Then, after school...maybe three more times. I stopped caring about homework and everything else that mattered to me. I stopped writing. I stopped drawing. I stopped playing my piano. i stopped running. I just waited for death to come and get me. Four years of struggling and for what? I was convinced I was a failure....that I had an eating disorder but I wasn't even close to being skinny.
But somehow, I got through it. I don't even remember how, or the day I decided that I would turn my life around. Well, I do remember the day I stopped purging....June 12, 2010. I think that's a year later from when my other friend committed suicide. But that's beside the point. Oh. Now I remember. K-Pop...I know that sounds crazy, but the world of K-Pop kept me going. It's such a completely diff. entertainment industry....they have all these variety shows where you can get to know your idols better and whatnot. And the passion and unity those groups have when they dance on stage...I just couldn't let it go. It was enchanting and it was liberation to me from my dreary, fucked up world. SNSD was one of the first girl groups I fell in love with. I loved how there was nine girls in a group, but they had the closest bond I have seen up to date with any girl group. They were all so hilarious and kind and hard-working...it killed me to see that they were attacked by antis for having plastic surgery done or other hateful rumors spread about them. They're still on top now, and I wish them the best in Japan, but they really saved me. So did SHINee...I've come to love SHINee so much. I'm not so crazy I want to marry one of them, but their perseverance and seeing how far they've all come is so inspirational to me. Yeah, it's stupid, but K-Pop saved my life.
Now there really isn't anything to get off my chest. I don't feel so horrible anymore, now that I'm talking about my favorite K-Pop band, haha. But, yeah. In two days, it will have been one month since the day I said, "Fuck you, Bulimia!" and just completely quit purging, cold turkey. I haven't really gained, either...this is amazing for me. I've lost a few lbs, but I'm planning on dieting hardcore once school starts. I'm just so fucking proud I made it here to where I am, and I know that I can reach even higher if I push myself. A few months ago, I was just completely lifeless. Today, I am grateful that I wasn't in the pitiful state I was in for the entire school year....what with my e.d and insomnia and severe depression and whatnot. I'm proud I was able to 'recover' without the use of meds, or without praying to God. That's a huge biggie to me. I never really ever believed in having God support me, [I believe he exists, but I believe he's a fucked up bastard] and I feel so empowered that I was able to regain my sense of identity without resorting to what most people have resorted to.
Anyway. This has been a huge load off my chest.
Sleep tight guys, I love you all.
<3