Just Breathe
Well, I didn't have a ton of hw tonight, so that rocks. No tennis match. Unfortunately, Kaiser forgot to tell the office so we all stayed after school for the match. Then, of course, Kaiser tells us it's canceled, right after all the buses have left. So I called my mom and she said she'd pick me up in 10 minutes. Ugh, times like that make me wish I could drive and that I had a car. While waiting at the dighton entrance, 3 ghetto troublemakers came in and I got really scared. Those kind of people frighten me, and I didn't want to be stuck all alone in the entrance with those 3 idiots. So I raced to my only haven: the school store. There I hung out with Ally (I hope I spelled that right) and a junior named Sarah. I bought a peanut m&m bag as a thank you, lol. Then, of course, my mom ate them all...
I got home and went on the computer. I typed up like 3 pages of the drama story, studied for vocab, and read a lot of comic books. Oh, and I read "The Chosen". I think that I'm going to bed early today because I'm wicked tired. Match tomorrow (funfunfun) so I need to be all hyped up and ready. I talked with Kaiser and he said that all next week and the week afterwards we are having a match EVERYDAY. Ugh, how will I survive? Not to mention that this means I'm missing the Drama meeting. I hope that even though I am missing it I still get to be musical director. I told Mrs. LaSalle the news and she said to come to her room in the morning and she'll give me all of the stuff. Maybe I am the music director, who knows, or at least she's seriously thinking about it. I mean, before I found out that I had a match everyday, she said she'd schedule the meeting on the day I am free from tennis next week. Mrs. LaSalle can be very nice... lol, everytime I think of her I think of Pat and John doing an impression of her... hehehe...
I felt kind of downish today, so I sang. That always makes me feel better. Also, as strange as this is, I looked in the mirror and realized that it looks better when I tuck my hair behind my ears. For some reason, I always thought keeping my hair not tucked in looked better, but as a looked at it, it only made me seem a bit depressed and emo-ish. So, next time I feel that way, I think I'll untuck my hair and make it fall in front of my sad face.
These days I have been experiencing a mix of feelings. I feel very calm and complacent, not to mention pensive. Too many things to think about and to do. My story beckons me everyday and I already planned that this summer I want to sing for an hour, play piano for an hour, and play guitar (if my dad keeps his word and buys me one and signs me up for lessons) for an hour so I'll be really good for drama and for the talent show. Also, the rest of the time will be dedicated towards writing, reading, and gardening. Oh, and I need to study chemistry. I am so worried about that class next year. Junior year is so important and I don't want to screw it up with one crummy AP chem grade. I mean, there's my goal of High Honors to consider, my goal of the "Athletic Scholarship" award, my rank, my goal of a perfect college and so forth. I don't think that I'm going to Portugal/spain/italy. As much as I want to, I am tied to my simple life of writing, reading, gardening, singing, playing instruments, and studying. When I am out of college (after I travel around the world with Shannon of course) I will rent an apartment and lock myself up in there with 2 siamese cats, one of which will be named Demilo. I continue with my simple life (minus gardening, probably) and go out sometimes to eat and shop. Money will come in from the books I have written. Also, I will hire detectives who will find the boy of my dreams (of course I will know this man and he will know me) and I will "accidentally" run into him and we will fall in love and marry and we'll move to the country where he will work while I look after my children and write, garden, read, study, sing, play guitar and piano until I drop dead. That is what I plan to do with my life. I don't want a mansion or all the money in the world. I want a simple existence. Of course, I will meet with my friends sometimes and we'll go out to eat and discuss the good old days. I just hope that the man I want will love me. I don't want my plans to go awry, but they will. Stupid perfectionist side...
I want a life filled with cats, kids, books (tons and tons of books), a garden, oh and while I'm at it, a sailboat (i love the ocean!). I don't want a life with dogs, TV shows/cable, heights, hate, and loneliness. So, yeah, sorry to go on a tangent there. I've just been thinking a lot and that's some (only a tiny portion, lol) of the e.t.c. (no not et coffed) thats been on my mind lately. Sigh, I think that I'll go meditate right now, or shower, or read, or do next week's vocab. Sometimes I think that I dream to much, that I live too much in my own dreams and worlds that I have built in my mind. I hate reality. It stinks. Why can't the world be like that in my head? A world full of peace, understanding, magic, romance? People tell me to wake up and stop dreaming, but it nourishes me: Quid me nutrit me destruit ... what nourishes me also destroys me. How true. I look upon my lj picture and I see myself... a pensive angel that is innocent, scared, and alone in this horrifying world. She thinks too much and talks too little. Her friend, the raven, is the black side of her mind, telling her that she is not special enough, telling her that she is stupid, telling her that life hates her. Stupid perfectionist raven. Though wars may be fought and the enemy may seem vanquished, the most devious enemies lay in our minds, not out on the battlefield. The highest fences we need to climb are those we've built inside our minds...
A rock in the stream
Time passes by
The people as fish
Swim by a rock in the time-stream
A cold, wet stone
Balancing on the pebbled edge
The stream will push
The stream will carve
Many faucets into this stone
This imperfect, clumsy piece of granite
Worn away
It keeps on dreaming of
Warm places, love, hope, peace
Ignoring the fishes and stream
It sits alone
Forever alone
When least expected
The stream shall move the stone
The stone shall fall and crack open
Its heart reveals a bloody center
Dreams are now gone
Faced with reality
The stone is eradicated
Until, like all dreamers,
It becomes a small, insignificant pebble
On the icy, frigid bottom of
The never-ending stream.
stuck like a rock in the stream of time
I got home and went on the computer. I typed up like 3 pages of the drama story, studied for vocab, and read a lot of comic books. Oh, and I read "The Chosen". I think that I'm going to bed early today because I'm wicked tired. Match tomorrow (funfunfun) so I need to be all hyped up and ready. I talked with Kaiser and he said that all next week and the week afterwards we are having a match EVERYDAY. Ugh, how will I survive? Not to mention that this means I'm missing the Drama meeting. I hope that even though I am missing it I still get to be musical director. I told Mrs. LaSalle the news and she said to come to her room in the morning and she'll give me all of the stuff. Maybe I am the music director, who knows, or at least she's seriously thinking about it. I mean, before I found out that I had a match everyday, she said she'd schedule the meeting on the day I am free from tennis next week. Mrs. LaSalle can be very nice... lol, everytime I think of her I think of Pat and John doing an impression of her... hehehe...
I felt kind of downish today, so I sang. That always makes me feel better. Also, as strange as this is, I looked in the mirror and realized that it looks better when I tuck my hair behind my ears. For some reason, I always thought keeping my hair not tucked in looked better, but as a looked at it, it only made me seem a bit depressed and emo-ish. So, next time I feel that way, I think I'll untuck my hair and make it fall in front of my sad face.
These days I have been experiencing a mix of feelings. I feel very calm and complacent, not to mention pensive. Too many things to think about and to do. My story beckons me everyday and I already planned that this summer I want to sing for an hour, play piano for an hour, and play guitar (if my dad keeps his word and buys me one and signs me up for lessons) for an hour so I'll be really good for drama and for the talent show. Also, the rest of the time will be dedicated towards writing, reading, and gardening. Oh, and I need to study chemistry. I am so worried about that class next year. Junior year is so important and I don't want to screw it up with one crummy AP chem grade. I mean, there's my goal of High Honors to consider, my goal of the "Athletic Scholarship" award, my rank, my goal of a perfect college and so forth. I don't think that I'm going to Portugal/spain/italy. As much as I want to, I am tied to my simple life of writing, reading, gardening, singing, playing instruments, and studying. When I am out of college (after I travel around the world with Shannon of course) I will rent an apartment and lock myself up in there with 2 siamese cats, one of which will be named Demilo. I continue with my simple life (minus gardening, probably) and go out sometimes to eat and shop. Money will come in from the books I have written. Also, I will hire detectives who will find the boy of my dreams (of course I will know this man and he will know me) and I will "accidentally" run into him and we will fall in love and marry and we'll move to the country where he will work while I look after my children and write, garden, read, study, sing, play guitar and piano until I drop dead. That is what I plan to do with my life. I don't want a mansion or all the money in the world. I want a simple existence. Of course, I will meet with my friends sometimes and we'll go out to eat and discuss the good old days. I just hope that the man I want will love me. I don't want my plans to go awry, but they will. Stupid perfectionist side...
I want a life filled with cats, kids, books (tons and tons of books), a garden, oh and while I'm at it, a sailboat (i love the ocean!). I don't want a life with dogs, TV shows/cable, heights, hate, and loneliness. So, yeah, sorry to go on a tangent there. I've just been thinking a lot and that's some (only a tiny portion, lol) of the e.t.c. (no not et coffed) thats been on my mind lately. Sigh, I think that I'll go meditate right now, or shower, or read, or do next week's vocab. Sometimes I think that I dream to much, that I live too much in my own dreams and worlds that I have built in my mind. I hate reality. It stinks. Why can't the world be like that in my head? A world full of peace, understanding, magic, romance? People tell me to wake up and stop dreaming, but it nourishes me: Quid me nutrit me destruit ... what nourishes me also destroys me. How true. I look upon my lj picture and I see myself... a pensive angel that is innocent, scared, and alone in this horrifying world. She thinks too much and talks too little. Her friend, the raven, is the black side of her mind, telling her that she is not special enough, telling her that she is stupid, telling her that life hates her. Stupid perfectionist raven. Though wars may be fought and the enemy may seem vanquished, the most devious enemies lay in our minds, not out on the battlefield. The highest fences we need to climb are those we've built inside our minds...
A rock in the stream
Time passes by
The people as fish
Swim by a rock in the time-stream
A cold, wet stone
Balancing on the pebbled edge
The stream will push
The stream will carve
Many faucets into this stone
This imperfect, clumsy piece of granite
Worn away
It keeps on dreaming of
Warm places, love, hope, peace
Ignoring the fishes and stream
It sits alone
Forever alone
When least expected
The stream shall move the stone
The stone shall fall and crack open
Its heart reveals a bloody center
Dreams are now gone
Faced with reality
The stone is eradicated
Until, like all dreamers,
It becomes a small, insignificant pebble
On the icy, frigid bottom of
The never-ending stream.
stuck like a rock in the stream of time