stream of consciousness
just doing a brain dump, don't mind me...
thinking a lot about the surgery, not sure how to approach it. i'm scared and excited and joyous and kind of self-hating at the same time. next appt is oct 2. will probably be put on liquid diet at that time. have lost 13 lbs so far, need to lose about 15-17 more for them to be really happy. course on liquid diet for 6 weeks that shouldn't be hard at all. finally able to move for 30 mins plus without being in extraordinary pain, that was an incredible moment. learning how to bellydance, it's so much fun. livejournal is my pensieve, nich just gave me that one, he's always curious when he hears me typing furiously. i kind of wish he would butt out and just let me get this all down but i know it's in his nature to be worried that something is going on. he's really nosy sometimes. big pain in the butt. =P i love him though, he's been good the last few weeks. today sucked, but he didn't feel well, so we got over it. we cuddled, it was nice.
work is going good, not sure whether to be happy or sad or scared or angry about that. lots of emotions bound up in it. going to be offered a permanent position and I'm not sure if that's a good thing. i like the freedom sort of that i have but at the same time i really want the stability of a pay check and it feels like they're going to promote me too so that will be good but more responsibility and it's already stressful and they've had like 7 people leave since i started there so i'm not sure if i really want to work for a place where they can't keep their employees. i like actually i don't like the job at all. it sucks so bad. it's challenging at times though and that can be fun. projects are awesome. they make me think and even when they're math related and i feel retarded cause i can't do subtraction in my head -yeah, i can't do subtraction in my head- they're still a lot of fun. i love being relied on but at the same time it's scary because i'm always afraid i'm dropping the ball somewhere.
that's like my guild too. second in command now. 15 people in the guild, 30 characters roughly. down again, but i think it's better to have fewer. i like my guildmistress gal, she's such a sweetheart but i worry about her because she cares too much about what other people think of her. she reminds me of me about a couple years ago, before nich and i got married. like everyone else around her affects her so much it'll make her depressed. i still get like that sometimes but seeing someone else going through it is really strange and amazing because i can see the things that trigger me and it helps me fight it. she's gotten better too. i'm hoping to meet her, we're doing a guild meet & greet next year sometime i hope, i am trying to plan it but our numbers keep changing so it's hard to plan around. people are really weird, i don't know why they attack . it's like being in high school again in a way, where people i don't even know give me a dirty look as they walk by and i find out later that it's because someone told them i'd said something about them. all whispers and rumors and shit. really weird how adding a computer and an avatar makes people's effective age drop to about 15.
fascinating though is the way that psychology works. i sit and read people's wow forum posts for like, hours. not the crap ones about youtube vids or whatever, but some on the guild relations forums where people sit and discuss how having a guild is subjecting yourself to ...um...........voluntary slavery, that's it. and it's wrong and the guild leaders are macho chest thumping alpha males and blahhhhh. it's really fascinating. reminds me of tim, really. but in the same way that like, tim was fascinating because you wondered how someone could take point a and point b and arrive at destination like, x. where are the logical leaps?
i'm writing a lot. i like writing, it's a very freeing thing for me. the volume of my work is almost approaching what i wrote in highschool, just in the last year. i'm working on my next vtm character too, my larp chara. she's going to be freaking AWESOME!!!!!!! i have been working up the courage to pull her off and i think, i think, i think and hope i can do it. it's going to be hard, cause she's everything i'm not except kind of physically, and i'll be playing her through the weeks leading up to and after the surgery so i'll be kinda down on energy and stuff and hungry and probably not the most nice person (hungry bitch, yes, that's the word) and so i'm thinking though that that might help cause when i get mad i stop caring if i'm talking too loud or if people are looking at me funny or if i'm fat or whatever. i stop trying to disappear.
it's going to be fucking awesome to be athletic ish again. i'm so looking forward to being able to keep up to people that i care about. my physique is always going to have ass and tits, it's just like that. *lol* i'm always going to have a thick neck and broad shoulders and it kinda sucks but i also am kinda proud of that cause when i have that tiny waist and hopefully nice legs ( i think i have nice legs, i remember having nice legs in highschool, even when they were short) then I don't think people will mind at all looking at me. and i won't mind looking at me. i want to be able to wear a skirt. that's my first goal, when I get to my small size after the surgery, i want to buy a skirt at hot topic. with buckles. and wear it. and have nich take it off. *GRIN* with his teeth. *nodnods*
too much info. i know. but seriously. fucking awesome. it's something i've wanted for years now, since i realized that i felt ugly. i've never looked at myself everyday and gone "eww, fat". i don't see myself that way really. it's like a horrible surprise everytime i notice myself in a mirror or window or something. like, who da fuck replaced me with THAT?! and it'll be freaking awesome to see the me i see in my head in real life finally.
Oh! And my hair is like, really red now. donno how it got that way, haven't colored it, maybe it's from what i'm eating or getting older or something (i've found a couple silvers too) but it's really pretty. a really dark auburn color that just lights up in the sun. i'm starting to love myself, it's really neat. like lifiting up a blanket and suddenly seeing the face that you've known you've waited for all your life, and suddenly realizing it's a mirror.
it's a me i never knew existed, all the years of abuse told me would never exist, and i'm taking hold of her with both hands and hugging her close and wondering why she took so damn long.
heehee...i <3 myself.
fucking cool.
thinking a lot about the surgery, not sure how to approach it. i'm scared and excited and joyous and kind of self-hating at the same time. next appt is oct 2. will probably be put on liquid diet at that time. have lost 13 lbs so far, need to lose about 15-17 more for them to be really happy. course on liquid diet for 6 weeks that shouldn't be hard at all. finally able to move for 30 mins plus without being in extraordinary pain, that was an incredible moment. learning how to bellydance, it's so much fun. livejournal is my pensieve, nich just gave me that one, he's always curious when he hears me typing furiously. i kind of wish he would butt out and just let me get this all down but i know it's in his nature to be worried that something is going on. he's really nosy sometimes. big pain in the butt. =P i love him though, he's been good the last few weeks. today sucked, but he didn't feel well, so we got over it. we cuddled, it was nice.
work is going good, not sure whether to be happy or sad or scared or angry about that. lots of emotions bound up in it. going to be offered a permanent position and I'm not sure if that's a good thing. i like the freedom sort of that i have but at the same time i really want the stability of a pay check and it feels like they're going to promote me too so that will be good but more responsibility and it's already stressful and they've had like 7 people leave since i started there so i'm not sure if i really want to work for a place where they can't keep their employees. i like actually i don't like the job at all. it sucks so bad. it's challenging at times though and that can be fun. projects are awesome. they make me think and even when they're math related and i feel retarded cause i can't do subtraction in my head -yeah, i can't do subtraction in my head- they're still a lot of fun. i love being relied on but at the same time it's scary because i'm always afraid i'm dropping the ball somewhere.
that's like my guild too. second in command now. 15 people in the guild, 30 characters roughly. down again, but i think it's better to have fewer. i like my guildmistress gal, she's such a sweetheart but i worry about her because she cares too much about what other people think of her. she reminds me of me about a couple years ago, before nich and i got married. like everyone else around her affects her so much it'll make her depressed. i still get like that sometimes but seeing someone else going through it is really strange and amazing because i can see the things that trigger me and it helps me fight it. she's gotten better too. i'm hoping to meet her, we're doing a guild meet & greet next year sometime i hope, i am trying to plan it but our numbers keep changing so it's hard to plan around. people are really weird, i don't know why they attack . it's like being in high school again in a way, where people i don't even know give me a dirty look as they walk by and i find out later that it's because someone told them i'd said something about them. all whispers and rumors and shit. really weird how adding a computer and an avatar makes people's effective age drop to about 15.
fascinating though is the way that psychology works. i sit and read people's wow forum posts for like, hours. not the crap ones about youtube vids or whatever, but some on the guild relations forums where people sit and discuss how having a guild is subjecting yourself to ...um...........voluntary slavery, that's it. and it's wrong and the guild leaders are macho chest thumping alpha males and blahhhhh. it's really fascinating. reminds me of tim, really. but in the same way that like, tim was fascinating because you wondered how someone could take point a and point b and arrive at destination like, x. where are the logical leaps?
i'm writing a lot. i like writing, it's a very freeing thing for me. the volume of my work is almost approaching what i wrote in highschool, just in the last year. i'm working on my next vtm character too, my larp chara. she's going to be freaking AWESOME!!!!!!! i have been working up the courage to pull her off and i think, i think, i think and hope i can do it. it's going to be hard, cause she's everything i'm not except kind of physically, and i'll be playing her through the weeks leading up to and after the surgery so i'll be kinda down on energy and stuff and hungry and probably not the most nice person (hungry bitch, yes, that's the word) and so i'm thinking though that that might help cause when i get mad i stop caring if i'm talking too loud or if people are looking at me funny or if i'm fat or whatever. i stop trying to disappear.
it's going to be fucking awesome to be athletic ish again. i'm so looking forward to being able to keep up to people that i care about. my physique is always going to have ass and tits, it's just like that. *lol* i'm always going to have a thick neck and broad shoulders and it kinda sucks but i also am kinda proud of that cause when i have that tiny waist and hopefully nice legs ( i think i have nice legs, i remember having nice legs in highschool, even when they were short) then I don't think people will mind at all looking at me. and i won't mind looking at me. i want to be able to wear a skirt. that's my first goal, when I get to my small size after the surgery, i want to buy a skirt at hot topic. with buckles. and wear it. and have nich take it off. *GRIN* with his teeth. *nodnods*
too much info. i know. but seriously. fucking awesome. it's something i've wanted for years now, since i realized that i felt ugly. i've never looked at myself everyday and gone "eww, fat". i don't see myself that way really. it's like a horrible surprise everytime i notice myself in a mirror or window or something. like, who da fuck replaced me with THAT?! and it'll be freaking awesome to see the me i see in my head in real life finally.
Oh! And my hair is like, really red now. donno how it got that way, haven't colored it, maybe it's from what i'm eating or getting older or something (i've found a couple silvers too) but it's really pretty. a really dark auburn color that just lights up in the sun. i'm starting to love myself, it's really neat. like lifiting up a blanket and suddenly seeing the face that you've known you've waited for all your life, and suddenly realizing it's a mirror.
it's a me i never knew existed, all the years of abuse told me would never exist, and i'm taking hold of her with both hands and hugging her close and wondering why she took so damn long.
heehee...i <3 myself.
fucking cool.