(no subject)
well, let's see. it's been quite awhile, and i've realized that most of what i put in here is pretty negative. however, i felt it was time to write about something, and i've been too lazy to work on blogspot. i understand this, so it's easier.
lots has happened.
grandma is dying. i know i'll cry when it happens, but for now i'm coming to terms with it. won't have any grandparents after that. she remembered my birthday this year. that was definitely a bit step. but she called me about 5 times a day for about 3 days in a row to ask for my address. and each time i gave it to her, she had to ask me about 3 times per phone call what it was. so i'm scared. very scared. but i'm sure it will all turn out ok. it's something i've been expecting for about the last year. i'm surprised and happy that she's made it this far. my great aunt had a mini stroke a few days ago. my dad said she's ok though, so hopefully we don't lose her too.
aside from death, but still sad, i was supposed to be in sacramento tonight. i'm currently sitting in my apartment in provo with a teddy bear i won playing skiball at circus circus in reno.
we were on our way to a wgi regional competition--my first as well as my last. i was ecstatic to go to this performance, cos its a once in a lifetime opportunity for me. unfortunately, we were in reno and found out that i-80 was closed at the state line. so we went to a mall to kill some time. we found out that there was a massive car accident--40 car pileup and one fatality. so we had to wait it out. by the time the road had cleared, a snowstorm hit, and the freeway was closed. donner's pass--our road through the sierra nevadas, got hit with 14 feet of snow in 48 hours. yes.....feet of snow. so we were screwed. found out we were turning around and going back to provo. i cried. it's my ageout, and i'll never get this chance again. so i'm devastated.
we went to circus circus for breakfast, and i was crying when i got out of sumer's car. tiffany walked up to me, and i figured she was going to ask if i was ok. that's what sumer did, after all. but no. she told me that she couldn't have me acting like that because the girls were handling it very well, and i would bring them down. and i'm like.....i'm more upset because i'm an ageout. and she wouldn't have it. so i went to the bathroom and cried some more. a couple of the girls tried to give me hugs. i told them to not draw attention to me because i already got in trouble for crying. they thought that that was ridiculous. i was very ticked off after tiffany said that to me. she never even asked if i was ok.
so we left to come home. and i'm pretty sure i cried for half of the car ride. i feel like something's been ripped out of me. if i've ever been dedicated to anything in my life, it's color guard. i've loved it since i was 14, and it's finally coming to an end, and i'm not ready to face it. ::sigh:: nor do i want to. it's been my go-to when everything else doesn't work out. brenden called me after i got home to see how i was holding up. he said he had just gotten off the phone with cory, and that cory said he was really worried about me in particular. so brenden wanted to call just to make sure i was ok. i've definitely cried more today than probably any other occasion (except when i got my heart ripped out that one time or when my grandpa died). ok so maybe not more than any other occasion, but this is definitely up there at the top. :'(
other than that, well, i was pretty interested in this guy aaron. good guy friend of mine. of course, my sister told his roommate, who she likes and now makes out with on occasion. so he knows now. i found out he likes me. and i of course, freaked out. i'm not ready for a relationship at this point. not because i'm not ready to date anyone. i've definitely been ready for that. but because i don't see things going long-term with him. i will never do long distance again. and i'm leaving for the summer for my internship. so i refuse to do this now. and i discovered that i'm terrified of relationships. terrified. yes, i complain that i don't go on dates. but that's just it--those are dates. not a boyfriend. sure, call me a slut for that, but whatever. i don't really care. i'm finally ok with not having any boy running after me. i will be completely fine, and i've got big plans for my future that do NOT involve any boy coming along and ruining these plans. I want to go travel with steph in europe after graduating. I want the freedom to travel and visit old friends without the constraints of a boyfriend or husband. It's time to be a little selfish.
::sigh:: i still wish i was in sacramento right now. we would have kicked butt at that competition too. :'(
lots has happened.
grandma is dying. i know i'll cry when it happens, but for now i'm coming to terms with it. won't have any grandparents after that. she remembered my birthday this year. that was definitely a bit step. but she called me about 5 times a day for about 3 days in a row to ask for my address. and each time i gave it to her, she had to ask me about 3 times per phone call what it was. so i'm scared. very scared. but i'm sure it will all turn out ok. it's something i've been expecting for about the last year. i'm surprised and happy that she's made it this far. my great aunt had a mini stroke a few days ago. my dad said she's ok though, so hopefully we don't lose her too.
aside from death, but still sad, i was supposed to be in sacramento tonight. i'm currently sitting in my apartment in provo with a teddy bear i won playing skiball at circus circus in reno.
we were on our way to a wgi regional competition--my first as well as my last. i was ecstatic to go to this performance, cos its a once in a lifetime opportunity for me. unfortunately, we were in reno and found out that i-80 was closed at the state line. so we went to a mall to kill some time. we found out that there was a massive car accident--40 car pileup and one fatality. so we had to wait it out. by the time the road had cleared, a snowstorm hit, and the freeway was closed. donner's pass--our road through the sierra nevadas, got hit with 14 feet of snow in 48 hours. yes.....feet of snow. so we were screwed. found out we were turning around and going back to provo. i cried. it's my ageout, and i'll never get this chance again. so i'm devastated.
we went to circus circus for breakfast, and i was crying when i got out of sumer's car. tiffany walked up to me, and i figured she was going to ask if i was ok. that's what sumer did, after all. but no. she told me that she couldn't have me acting like that because the girls were handling it very well, and i would bring them down. and i'm like.....i'm more upset because i'm an ageout. and she wouldn't have it. so i went to the bathroom and cried some more. a couple of the girls tried to give me hugs. i told them to not draw attention to me because i already got in trouble for crying. they thought that that was ridiculous. i was very ticked off after tiffany said that to me. she never even asked if i was ok.
so we left to come home. and i'm pretty sure i cried for half of the car ride. i feel like something's been ripped out of me. if i've ever been dedicated to anything in my life, it's color guard. i've loved it since i was 14, and it's finally coming to an end, and i'm not ready to face it. ::sigh:: nor do i want to. it's been my go-to when everything else doesn't work out. brenden called me after i got home to see how i was holding up. he said he had just gotten off the phone with cory, and that cory said he was really worried about me in particular. so brenden wanted to call just to make sure i was ok. i've definitely cried more today than probably any other occasion (except when i got my heart ripped out that one time or when my grandpa died). ok so maybe not more than any other occasion, but this is definitely up there at the top. :'(
other than that, well, i was pretty interested in this guy aaron. good guy friend of mine. of course, my sister told his roommate, who she likes and now makes out with on occasion. so he knows now. i found out he likes me. and i of course, freaked out. i'm not ready for a relationship at this point. not because i'm not ready to date anyone. i've definitely been ready for that. but because i don't see things going long-term with him. i will never do long distance again. and i'm leaving for the summer for my internship. so i refuse to do this now. and i discovered that i'm terrified of relationships. terrified. yes, i complain that i don't go on dates. but that's just it--those are dates. not a boyfriend. sure, call me a slut for that, but whatever. i don't really care. i'm finally ok with not having any boy running after me. i will be completely fine, and i've got big plans for my future that do NOT involve any boy coming along and ruining these plans. I want to go travel with steph in europe after graduating. I want the freedom to travel and visit old friends without the constraints of a boyfriend or husband. It's time to be a little selfish.
::sigh:: i still wish i was in sacramento right now. we would have kicked butt at that competition too. :'(