to the love that i thought was...
ya know, i'm so happy to finally be on my own and making a name for myself by myself. i always thought that no matter what my parents would be proud of me and support my every decision, but i guess i was wrong. i was wrong about everything. i say parents but i mean my mother. she will always be my mother and i will always love her as the only mother i've ever known. i'm truly grateful that she raised me and not the mother who birthed me. i'm grateful that i even have a mother, but there are many times where i have wished that she would just step outside of our family and realize that although she thinks she wears the pants in the family and she gets poorly treated because of that, she needs to be a mother as well. i do miss them, i will say it now...i am a little homesick, but only for my dad, dog, house and friends. my mother just does not understand the line as to when to stop being a tyrant. its like she has no love for me but in place its just a paper heart, with no filling full of emotion. i dont know what to think or how to even go about thinking when it comes to the woman i am supposed to call mother. maybe i'm just over reacting but i highly doubt this. i will confess that yes she is the reason i moved away from one of the only homes i've really ever known. i vaguely remeber fayetteville...just the good times and some bad. i hate to be like this and i hate thinking bad about my mother but i have for many many years now and i still do only because everyday she gives me a new reason to thank whatever that i moved and i finally escaped from the hell i lived in. i cant even call it home anymore and yet i still dont feel at home here. i dont really know what to call home. i'm so confused. i can seriously see that one thing runs in her side of the family but it must have skipped her father. my pepa and i had the same souls and spirit. i guess their mother must have passed it down..i can see the resemblence now. i have so much more to say about my mother its just really starting to hurt me to even think about it. i hate this hostility i must have but she brings this upon herself. i have no idea where my father stands with all of this and i honestly dont really care to know. as long as i know that he is proud of me then i guess things will be alright.
i start my new job on wednesday. and friday i'm going to a show to see a local band with a friend. shes really kewl and we like the same music so its going to be fun. we are also going to go shopping for her before we go so it'll be get off work, go shopping, and then rock out to a what i've been told a rockin band. I'M REALLY EXCITED. anyhoo.
i really want to start working out again i think. im starting to feel like a lazy bum becuase when i go to work all i'm going to be doing is sitting in a chair sewing all day, well the first few days i'm sure i wont be because i have no idea how, but you get the point.
now that im done ranting about that and i'm even more calm that what i was...i'm gonna go and enjoy my evening and make more plans so i can become even more at home than i am now.
goodnight everyone.
i start my new job on wednesday. and friday i'm going to a show to see a local band with a friend. shes really kewl and we like the same music so its going to be fun. we are also going to go shopping for her before we go so it'll be get off work, go shopping, and then rock out to a what i've been told a rockin band. I'M REALLY EXCITED. anyhoo.
i really want to start working out again i think. im starting to feel like a lazy bum becuase when i go to work all i'm going to be doing is sitting in a chair sewing all day, well the first few days i'm sure i wont be because i have no idea how, but you get the point.
now that im done ranting about that and i'm even more calm that what i was...i'm gonna go and enjoy my evening and make more plans so i can become even more at home than i am now.
goodnight everyone.