I'm Just A Girl, so pretty and petite, Don't let me have any rights!
Wow. I am such a girl. I have been so emotional lately, the littlest things get to me. I was talking to Ryan on the phone the other day and I was trying to tell him that no matter what anyone thought, his friends, included, I was going to be me. Whether they thought me to be retarded, I was just going to be me. But instead it turned out to be me calling myself retarded and telling him I was always going to be retarded...and he laughed at me. And usually I would laugh at me too but I got all quiet and upset and embarrassed and I didn't know what to say to him so I hung up on him. I also thought his friends were laughing at me b/c I was on speaker phone. I just got really self-conscious for some reason and for a few minutes, I was the old me. The shy one, the one that doesn't know how to talk to boys, that gets red in the face and fears he thinks something awful of me. The one that is convinced I'm dumb and ugly and shouldn't even be talking to boys in the first place.
So then when I didn't hear from him for the whole next day I was afraid he was mad at me. It's like I reverted to Katherin. The rock with no personality. The one that's so desperate for everyone to like me and not be upset with me. The one who actually cares what people think of me to the point I can't sleep at night.
So today I try to talk to him and he's not very talkative. I asked him questions online and he wouldn't answer. I got annoyed and then convinced myself he was angry with me for being so silly and childish on the phone the night before. Maybe because I am so mad at myself for acting that way I am convinced he shares my feelings. I end up pissing him off by asking more dumb questions and continuously asking him if he was mad at me...so he "paid me back" when I asked him to call me. He bitched at me for being a dumb girl and said he didn't understand what my deal was and hung up on me. I cried. I about lost it on the phone while he was telling me how ridiculous I was being. He's right. I am being ridiculous. And the million dollar question is, WHY?
Is it because I actually do like him and just denying it because I'm afraid of what will happen? Is it because I'm simply a girl and can't control my emotions? I was looking for him to tell me *he*wanted* me to go...and all I got was that he didn't care one way or the other. It was up to me, I'm a big girl and can make my own decisions. What am I looking for? Why did I so desperatly need him to say he *wanted* me there? Why do I get upset when I don't get to talk to him for a day? I don't know. I'm so confused.
I'm gonna go be a girl and get upset because Justin won't answer me now and all I wanted was for him to go swing with me. That's what makes me feel better. Swinging. I haven't done it since Ben and I were together...and Ryan is out dancing on other girls and getting drunk at Lou Als.
Night kids.
Leave me some love. I need it.
So then when I didn't hear from him for the whole next day I was afraid he was mad at me. It's like I reverted to Katherin. The rock with no personality. The one that's so desperate for everyone to like me and not be upset with me. The one who actually cares what people think of me to the point I can't sleep at night.
So today I try to talk to him and he's not very talkative. I asked him questions online and he wouldn't answer. I got annoyed and then convinced myself he was angry with me for being so silly and childish on the phone the night before. Maybe because I am so mad at myself for acting that way I am convinced he shares my feelings. I end up pissing him off by asking more dumb questions and continuously asking him if he was mad at me...so he "paid me back" when I asked him to call me. He bitched at me for being a dumb girl and said he didn't understand what my deal was and hung up on me. I cried. I about lost it on the phone while he was telling me how ridiculous I was being. He's right. I am being ridiculous. And the million dollar question is, WHY?
Is it because I actually do like him and just denying it because I'm afraid of what will happen? Is it because I'm simply a girl and can't control my emotions? I was looking for him to tell me *he*wanted* me to go...and all I got was that he didn't care one way or the other. It was up to me, I'm a big girl and can make my own decisions. What am I looking for? Why did I so desperatly need him to say he *wanted* me there? Why do I get upset when I don't get to talk to him for a day? I don't know. I'm so confused.
I'm gonna go be a girl and get upset because Justin won't answer me now and all I wanted was for him to go swing with me. That's what makes me feel better. Swinging. I haven't done it since Ben and I were together...and Ryan is out dancing on other girls and getting drunk at Lou Als.
Night kids.
Leave me some love. I need it.