(no subject)
Well the past week has pretty much sucked. I've just been really upset about everything, and my mom being a total heartless bitch to me. And the whole thing with her being married now, and telling me that my dad doesn't love me and that he should be replaced with Michael. I know I only see my dad once every few months, and he yells at me when I do for no reason, but I think he loves me. At least I hope so. And then the whole drama with Rufus and Jessica. I couldn't take much more of it, and I went to the doctor on tuesday. He said I have viral bronchitis, so he gave me an inhaler.It turns out I don't have insomnia. I have an overactive brian, so thats why I cannot fall asleep at night, and why I am always anxious and anticipating every second of my day. I'm taking some pills for my anxiety, and after taking them, I never knew how wonderful it felt to not have anxiety. I've had it pretty much 24/7 since I was really young. So now I can concentrate better, and I'm a lot happier. and I don't care about things that I normally would. The pills are only temporary though. Lilly said I fell asleep within 2 minutes last night. Thats a world record for me! Normally,it makes me 2-4 hours to fall asleep, depending what time it is and how tired I am.I don't want to become dependent on the pills, I want to learn coping skills I guess. Then last night it was supposed to be an all girls night, but Rachel and Kat really wanted Corey to come. So I just said okay, whatever. So lilly rachel kat corey and I went to the Promenade and hung out. But then we bumped into some of Corey's friends, one that I absolutely hate. He's such an asshole. SO we were completely cussing each other out. Then kat ended up ditching lilly, Rachel and me for Corey and his lame ass friends. I talked over with Kat about it, and we're fine now. It just sort of ruined the night. Then these stupid 12 year olds wouldn't stop following Lilly and I, god it was so annoying. It's like, go back to chucky cheese and leave us alone! Then all these asshole guys were hitting on us and I was just getting really really pissed off, I don't know why. I'm not usually like that.Anyway my friends were telling me a bunch of things that Rufus said, and a bunch of things he lied to me about. But then even more disappointing,I found out that I can't trust my friends either. They had lied to me too. So right now there isn't one person in the world that I trust. And Thursday night, Rufus did a horrible thing that I know I will never forgive him for. He knew that in the past my best friend ended up ODing on pills, and it was because I wasn't there to talk to her. He knew that my ex boyfriend committed suicide shortly after we broke up. He knew that one of my ex boyfriends started up drugs after I broke up with him. He knew that one of my ex bf's cut himself after I broke up with him, and I got back together with him in fear he would create more problems for himself. And he ended up being a fake user who I still cannot stand. And I know I shouldn't, but I blame myself for all those things that happened to them. And I have such bottled up guilt over those things that happened to them in the past... and he still decided to cut himself three times because I wouldn't go to a fucking dance with him. Then he threatened to kill himself, and I was frightened to death. I was hysterically crying because all those other times I didn't take them seriously. So I took him seriously, and said that I'd do whatever he wanted and go to Beau ball with him. So he said he wanted to go with Beau ball with me, and he seemed a lot more rational. So I felt a lot better, but then he turned it around and said, "You know what, I dont wanna go with you to beau ball anymore." That means he said did to make me feel guilty and manipulate me, so that I would say I would go with him. and then he said he didn't want to go with me, as if he was the one who broke up with me. He did the whole thing to have power over me, and he has the whole time that I've know him. Well you know what, it's going to stop here. How could someone be so heartless to do that to someone, knowing their past? I will never forgive him for that. I'm trying to stay his friend right now, but it's very very hard. But I'm still going to Beau ball tonight with a bunch of friends and hopefully I'll have an okay time. I'm at my grandpas and I have the house to myself, So I'm just gonna go lay in the sun for a bit. Later.