(no subject)
I've been feeling like complete shit lately. Ever since my mom's wedding. I've gotten even more sick... and I've been acting really weird and and doing things I wouldn't normally do. I keep imagining things... and hearing things I feel like I'm going insane. I was looking for my backpack today and I saw it five times in my room but then two seconds later it wasn't there. And I keep hearing really weird ringing noises.. and last night I was washing my clothes in the laundry room ,and since it's right next to the room I'm staying in... it felt sooo completely loud, like I put my ear right to the washer. It's like I can't tell what's real and what i've imagined. I had a couple anxiety attacks yesterday at school it freaked me out. But I wasn't evem stressed at the moment it was strange. It's the weirdest feeling for me though... I forget where I am and everything starts spinning ,and I feel like I'm someone else watching myself. My friend was trying to talk to me, and I could hear her, but I couldn't respond for some reason. I have been a lot less stressed lately at school... just really calm but once I get home I feel like exploding,I hate it so much. And I'm not sleeping at all... it's taking me hours to fall asleep. I guess the doc's right, I do have insomnia. I don't know whats up with me. I told my mom I got drunk at her wedding... I couldn't hold the guilt any longer. But the weird part was, it didn't even phase her. She just starting laughing. I didn't understand what was so funny. And I told her how my friend had a nervous break down from her getting drunk, and that her mom won't even let us hang out alone anymore, and she didn't even care. I hope I don't end up like her... an alcoholic. I never want to become that. Last weekend was really fun, but my mom didn't call me once she didn't even ask me where I was going, I just left the house and I didn't even talk to her before she left for hawaii. I was afraid this would happen if she got married, and it did. I guess I'll just adjust. I'm really happy for Michael and her, and I know she's a little bit occupied with the honeymoon and all the stuff she had to plan for the wedding, but she's been different the past few months. All I've wanted the past two years is freedom, and for my mom to stop being so over-protective. And when I turned fifteen, I got what I wanted. But now she really doesn't care, at all. I guess I should have been careful of what I wished for.I called her to ask for Grandpa's cell phone number, and I started screaming at her all of a sudden for no reason and hung up on her... Hopefully she wont be too mad.I'm supposed to visit my dad this weekend, but I have plans all weekend. On friday I'm hanging out with Rachel, Kat, Bekah, Lilly, maybe Laura, and some other people I'm not sure yet.But yeah then Saturday is beau ball and I'm really excited for that. My grandpa wasn't going to let me go at first, but he has to talk to Rufus's parents, and I can go. I had to get my dress dry cleaned, cuz I got chocolate on it at the wedding lol. Ahh today in health class the whole class period was lecturing on Alcohol... and I just felt so guilty for all the times I've gotten drunk. He was standing right next to me and looking at me, and talked about how teens drink at weddings. I swear to god he knows some how, even my friends said it was weird how he kept mentioning it. A year ago I was a completely different person, straight edge and just now everything is different. I dont have some of the same morals.. I mean some of them needed to be changed because I got older, but some of them I regret changed. I'm just so glad I didn't get a hang over, or throw up or forget anything that happened Saturday night, it was just so fun. It's like the father apart I'm getting from my mom... the closer I'm getting with my sisters. On Saturday we talked for hours about everything... and it's like I'm a replica of Jacki. I found out we both love the ataris and taking back sunday... and saves the day. And we both like the same type of guys(nice guys in bands). Lol right now we're both dating guitarists in a band. Hey, if anyone reading this wants to check out Rufus's website... it's www.geocities.com/slightlysalty69. And ya Jenny and me are talking a lot more now... we use to never exchange more than a few words when we talked for probably 6 years. Ahh I have a fever its 100... so not too bad. HOLY FUCKING SHIT.... Matt just imed me... I'd been wondering why he hasn't called me in 2 months after our date a couple months ago... and that night I went back to his house and hung out with him and a bunch of his friends, but I made him drive me home early because something just felt wrong. And him and his friends broke into four houses and he got sent to juvie the next morning!!! Lol I have such good instincts... if I didn't I would be in Juvie right now.... or scotch taped to a tree with Rufus! haha.. but yeah I know its not funny. He's all upset that I found a guy.. but honestly I wouldn't feel safe hanging out with him anymore, not after that. I'll still be his friend... but no way am I ever going back to his house again. Wow... my ex boyfriends end up being so fucked up... One commited suicide, the other sent to Juvie, and another one completely fake. What kind of fucking guys do I choose from? I have no idea they would do this... and then I find out months later who they really are. Ahh... I wonder who Rufus really is. No one ever is who they seem... even if you get to know them for a really long time, they turn out being someone entirely different. Awww. I'm talking to Rufus, and something we have in common is that we're both the youngest child... and we were both picked on by our older sister or for me... older sisters. When I was a baby my sisters would hold me upside down and start swinging me around, but I never cried for some reason. Ahh.... so many things they did. Lol its sorta funny now... but it sucked when I was a little kid. I wanted to end this entry with the picture of me and my sisters... but angel fire ended my account for no reason! so i tried using shoebox, but its not working grrrr....