can't sleep...
the most obvious way i know something is wrong with me is that i can't sleep properly...either i can't fall asleep, i can't stay asleep (in the morning) or a combination of both...the last 6 hours have been a battle in futility, resulting in about 3 hours of very bad sleep...
i get tired sometimes (like right now) of knowing the right thing to do and actually doing the right thing...i've always been a very disciplined person who knows how to stay the course and follow thru on things. but my banging head is indicative of the conflict in my heart. i hate always being right.
yesterday i took the stupid GRE for the second time (last time i took it was 1997 but USC doesn't accept scores more than 5 years old, so i wasted 4 hours of my time and $115) and basically got the same scores as last time (USC minimum for the grad program is 1000, i got 1660 last time...stupid.) that's not what is stressing me out, but i thought i'd write it anyway cuz it's an example of how stupid school can be sometimes...
had a great dinner last night with hannah and her old roomie hoa, the person who introduced me to hannah back in about 1993...i really needed last night, the joy of meeting with our old friend was a good distraction, yet the entire time, i was wearing this mask of happiness...man, i forgot how tough it is to act happy when you're really not...this new underlying sadness is so foreign to me as i've been so happy recently...the unfamiliar empty pit in my stomach, the dull headache, the listlessness and anxiousness...i am actually very appreciative to feel these things in a way, because i know i'm usually much more content in general...it's like i want the pain for a while...but not too much longer cuz i hate being two faced...
hope all my friends who still might read this are doing well...i'm hoping to go to NYC for 10 days in august for a wedding, and hopefully by then i'll be all better...school starts the same time i go to NYC but i can't miss this wedding, i can't miss seeing joo, peter's family (new baby girl!), the metro people, and others...ironed out the details of my next recital (coming in november or december) and yes, it's another big fat program...
i feel like throwing up.
i get tired sometimes (like right now) of knowing the right thing to do and actually doing the right thing...i've always been a very disciplined person who knows how to stay the course and follow thru on things. but my banging head is indicative of the conflict in my heart. i hate always being right.
yesterday i took the stupid GRE for the second time (last time i took it was 1997 but USC doesn't accept scores more than 5 years old, so i wasted 4 hours of my time and $115) and basically got the same scores as last time (USC minimum for the grad program is 1000, i got 1660 last time...stupid.) that's not what is stressing me out, but i thought i'd write it anyway cuz it's an example of how stupid school can be sometimes...
had a great dinner last night with hannah and her old roomie hoa, the person who introduced me to hannah back in about 1993...i really needed last night, the joy of meeting with our old friend was a good distraction, yet the entire time, i was wearing this mask of happiness...man, i forgot how tough it is to act happy when you're really not...this new underlying sadness is so foreign to me as i've been so happy recently...the unfamiliar empty pit in my stomach, the dull headache, the listlessness and anxiousness...i am actually very appreciative to feel these things in a way, because i know i'm usually much more content in general...it's like i want the pain for a while...but not too much longer cuz i hate being two faced...
hope all my friends who still might read this are doing well...i'm hoping to go to NYC for 10 days in august for a wedding, and hopefully by then i'll be all better...school starts the same time i go to NYC but i can't miss this wedding, i can't miss seeing joo, peter's family (new baby girl!), the metro people, and others...ironed out the details of my next recital (coming in november or december) and yes, it's another big fat program...
i feel like throwing up.